Yes, Olivia aka Miss Monkey Candy aka Ms. Candy Money pushed out a baby girl at 05:28 local time on 11 June 2011. The baby weighed in at 3676 grams (8.1 lbs), and was 51.4 cm long (20.23 in).
Labor took 12 hours, which I’m told is short for a first vaginal birth. That’s counting from the first “I think that was a labor pain maybe.” For some reason she didn’t want to watch Knocked Up. So we watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail and Confessions of a Shopaholic. You can guess which one I chose.
Hard labor, the 10 cm mark, was much shorter. Seemed like forever to me. Now it’s about a week before I, Reverend Loveshade, have my first Father’s Day. Unbelievable.
I don’t know how I feel. Happy, nervous, overjoyed, and scared as hell. And newborn babies? Talk about wet and messy. How can something be so ugly and so beautiful at the same time? Face red and scrunched up with a cone head. That was me. Seriously, I know that’s natural for a newborn, but damn, birth is messy. But it’s a life, a human being that grew from almost nothing. Amazing.
Olivia handled the pain well and used natural methods (and safe natural substances) to reduce it. I couldn’t handle the pain and had to walk out three times. One time Olivia walked with me and held my hand. And Olivia’s sister Amelia who’s only 12 kept reassuring me everything’s fine. Incredibly sweet for them, incredibly pathetic for me. The midwife, thank Goddess for the midwife, we erisened with a Discordian name of Nurse Velvet Hands. E was amazing. I think the girl started studying midwifery with es aunt when age 15 or so and I suspect Velvet could have handled births when Amelia’s age. A complete natural. They said the birth was textbook perfect.
All right, the baby girl’s name. We had asked for suggestions for a name and got several at 23ae.com and by email (firstname.lastname@example.org will no longer work). We narrowed it down, and thought we’d do like Pope Hilde and Fundament did; say our favorites and wait for the girl to touch Mommy’s breast to choose. But the girl didn’t wait for us to start the names, so that didn’t work.
So let’s open the envelop, please: the name goes to Lexena Rae. Lexena was suggested by DrOwl and Minnie Rae by Miley Spears. We actually wanted a unisex name, but Olivia liked the look of Lexena Rae better than Lexena Ray, and anyway “Lex” is unisex. As Miley Ray Cyrus is a Discordian American Princess and Minnie Rae is a Discordian saint (and an ancestor on my Mum’s side), it seemed like a good choice. It’s also a little nod to Corinne Bailey Rae and Jason Rae. Anybody know what Lexena means?
Other names we strongly considered were Alice (my initial first choice), Drew, Dylan, Emma, Erisia, Hilary, Holly, Jamie, Shamin, and Puffle Toes Twinkelton. Well, maybe we weren’t that serious about the last one.
Lexena Rae wouldn’t wait another 9 minutes past 5:28 to be born at 5:37, which is the number of the Discordian Division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild. But we figured 2 +1 = 3 and 8 – 1 = 7, so it still works out.
And yes Amelia the computer whiz did the math. Olivia’s the one who gave birth, but I’m the one who couldn’t think straight. I still can’t.