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6 Comments

  1. John DohNo Gravatar says:

    Unauthorized Press Release from Lex Talionis, Episkopos of the Upside Militia Cabal, dictated during one of his increasingly-rare lucid moments (as transcribed by Dr. Henry Armitage, Arkham Asylum, Miskatonic County, the Dreamlands):

    The Upside Militia Cabal stands in Fragmentary Discordian Solidarity with Professor Zero, and all of our Beloved and Behated Erisian Siblings of the Joshua Norton Cabal, the Order of St. Carlin, the John Dillinger Died For You Society, the Only A Ride Foundation, the Parasomnial Order of Bayeaux, the Panther Moderns, the Clergy and Faithful of the Church of the Subgenius, the Sacred Harlots of Route 66, the Citizens & Officials of Rutland, VT, the Cognitive Dissidents, Gold & Appel Ultd, Agony A-Gogo, the Order of the Infinite Loop, the Temple of Mortal Sins, etc etc.

    We, too, have had enough of the Big Government Libertarians and Establishment Radicals of the Tea Party! They have intolerably infringed upon our Personal Libertines, tried to deprive us of our very Civil Rants, spouting madness and nonsense and conspiracy, as though they’re trying to make US look sane by comparison!

    HAH, say I! We are beyond the mere madness of fact-impervious, fox-fur earmuffs! We are above the trifling insanity of tilting at long-lost windmills! We scoff at the pathetic psychosis of Murder for Baby Jesus! We giggle and point at your puny little Birther Conspiracy! (Although, we do have to say, if you’re going to do all these things, they -are- funnier when you wear a beer-stained Nascar T-shirt.)

    We Are Madness, children, and before your soft gooey brains had even congealed into antennae for the Alien Presence of YHVH-1, we were battling the Reptoids of Planet Vulcan, we were collaborating with dolphins to destroy Nazi zombies, we were making household names of those whose mere mention still makes you shudder. Every time you lose your keys, it was us! Every time you bang your elbow, it was all a part of our plan! The ATM won’t take your pin number? How do you know we didn’t do that? That crazy-looking chick you keep spotting out of the crowd, she’s one of us. The Starbucks barista with the nose ring, he’s my boyfriend — and he dosed your Venti Mocha. The bald dude next to you at the Tea Party rally, that’s me! And I’m recording EVERYTHING YOU SAY!

    Love and Kisses and 23 Skidoos,

    Inmate #51117

    • How is Lex Talionis doing now anyway? I haven’t seen him since the meeting at Andy’s house in aught 5. Back then he was the principal of Retaliation Academy. He was the one who taught me what spanking really meant. Or was that smacking?

      • John DohNo Gravatar says:

        Oh, you know Lex, always trying to get the last word. He has his good days and bad days. He was disillusioned with the “softball tactics” of the Retaliation Academy, and left to found the Cabal… but we’ve been a terrible disappointment to him, and so he lost himself in the opium dens of the East for a while, before turning up in Arkham for some kind of tomfoolery.

  2. DrOwlNo Gravatar says:

    Keep your Skidoos in your own pocket, mine have fallen out and run of down the road to another door.

  3. ‘You can’t catch us, because very few of us know each other.’ That’s the true basis of “us Discordians must stick apart.” If someone’s caught, they can’t rat on their fellow conspirators if they don’t know who they are, where they are, or what they’re up to.

    But of course most self-proclaimed Discordians don’t fit what Professor Zero describes. I don’t; I’m too obvious. Everybody knows I’m strange. People like me are a cover, a smoke screen, a banging alarm that draws attention away from the others working quietly in the shadows or under florescent lights sitting behind the desk in the corporate office. But I do know a teacher, and a gospel singer, and a cop…..

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