What’s a Sigil?
Sigils are magic spells encoded into MS Paint. At the height of orgasm, or when you’re all tweaked out on meth, your brain is particularly open to suggestion. (that’s why you keep calling those 900 numbers in the back of the magazine) So if you stare at the sigil while you fap or watch late night aerobics videos, the message encoded into the sigil will enter your brain and start micromanaging your nervous-system-homonculous like a playground bully, and suddenly you will be like CAPTAIN PLANET and not a pasty-ass namby-pamby spag who’s all like ehhh ehhhh stop twisting my arm Cramulus ehhh I deserve a turn at the water fountain too. That’s scientifically proven: If you masturbate just right, you will unleash the power of The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. Then you’ll smoke a cigarette and say to yourself “I just fucked the universe.”
I’ll get us started!
Effect: this sigil will make you think that cartoon characters from the 1980s are real, and they might be, you know, a romantic option.
edit: 19 minutes! new record!
Effect: This one makes you want to kill the president
Effect: This one makes you think you ARE the president.
Critical Safety Tip: Do not combine the last two sigils.
Effect: This one makes you question your sexuality, apparently.
Effect: No fap necessary. You are now sexually attracted to World War II.
Cramulus’ Zero Sum Diet Sigil!
Effect: You will simultaneously gain and lose weight at a rate of 23 pounds per minute.
Effect: your natural reactions to shock porn and breakfast cereal are switched.
Effect: The Ghost of Mark Twain will climb into bed with you and gently stroke your moustache.
Effect: Jesus christ I’m going to throw all the food in my fucking refrigerator at these god damn bats
Effect: You will understand that All is One and the True Self, the Higher Self, is a pulsing sphere of Light Energy which plays Christmas Songs when you Open the Card
This one’s from Elite Kaos Wizard Triple Zero:
FAP BONUS: Seventy days of extra good luck when trying to pick the shortest line at some checkout or other. Will start somewhere between now and your next birthday. Note that this sigil just implies you’ll have good luck, no guarantees your line will actually be shortest. Overcast, 37% possibility of rain.
FAP CURSE: If you cum while looking at the monkey, your line might be shortest, but the cashier will consistently fuck something up when it’s your turn, have to call the store manager and enter the wrong price or drop your shit, causing you to spend twice as much time checking out even though you got to your turn really quickly.
Effect: If the target creature fails a Will saving throw, its Intelligence and Charisma scores each drop to 1. Then you can freely run your sweaty hands all over its hit points.
Effect: You will be able to send spam e-mails with your mind.
Flaw: the spam e-mails must be in the chiller font