Archive of entries posted on February 2013
It was a quiet Sunday morning. Peaceful, even. The monk Nopants sat down in front of a perfectly golden brown waffle, fork and knife in hand, a serene smile on his face. Suddenly, there was a loud obnoxious yodeling noise from the other room. Nopants gritted his teeth. The yodeling got louder. Nopants tried to ignore it as his grip tightened on his fork and knife. Apparently Golden Rod was walking around the monastery, practicing his thunder-yodels. Bung Fu The Fool sensed that Nopants was about to flip his shit and said, “Let me handle this.” Bung Fu jumped out from behind a bush and surprised Golden Rod. “Hey you fuckstick! Master Nopants is trying to eat his fucking waffle in peace and you keep bunging it up with your asshole yodeling.” Golden Rod was full of it this morning. He hissed back: “Listen you sycophantic douche canoe, I am an enlightened master so I can do whatever I fucking want. I’m sick of your fascist tyrant authoritarian facist whining like ehh ehh none of us would know what to do if you didn’t crack the ass whip up all of our asses all the time, so listen up: If I want to yodel, I can do it. If I want to keep my fucking PISS IN A JAR, I can do that too. And if I want to bust my throat by yodeling so hard MY EYEBALLS BULGE OUT MY SKULL, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY BECAUSE THESE EYES ARE MADE FOR BULGING AND THAT’S JUST WHAT THEY’LL DO—-" Bung Fu said, “I’m just saying—”, but Golden Rod cut him off “—AND ONE OF THESE DAYS I’M GONNA BULGE ALL OVER YOU.” That was it for Bung Fu, he hated being yelled at and even more, he hated Nancy Sinatra. He sneered and made a stupid face and shouted back in a sarcastic tone, “OHH I DIDN’T REALIZE THAT BEING AN ENLIGHTENED MASTER MEANS HAVING NO FUCKING REGARD FOR ANYBODY ELSE AND SPAGGING AROUND THE MONASTERY GOING EHH EHH LOOK AT HOW GREAT MY YODELING IS, GIVE ME A YODELING AWARD MADE OF PISS SO I CAN KEEP IT IN A JAR AND WALK AROUND LIKE I’M BETTER THAN EVERYBODY EXCEPT I ACTUALLY HAVE A PISS JAR ON MY PERSON AND I WANT TO SHOW IT TO EVERYBODY LIKE THEY’RE PICTURES OF MY UGLY BABY AND NOBODY GIVES A FUCK BUT I KEEP SHOWING THEM OFF GOING OOOH LOOK AT HOW CUTE MY BABY IS ISN’T HE PRECIOUS HE’S THE CUTEST BABY IN THE WORLD — EXCEPT PEOPLE REALLY THINK YOUR GODDAMN BABY LOOKS LIKE AN OLD MONSTER TRUCK TIRE THAT JUST ROLLED THROUGH A SHITSTACK OF ROADKILL WITH SHIT COMING OUT OF IT AND THEN STOPPED IN A PUDDLE OF COLD DOG JIZZ. WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT AWFUL BABY HAS HIS FATHER’S EYES, THEY’RE REALLY SAYING HE LOOKS LIKE A SMEGGY PSYCHOPATH WITH BUTTHOLES WHERE HIS EYES SHOULD BE AND THEY’RE SHITTING, CONSTANTLY SHITTING.” “I don’t understand,” said Golden Rod. “I’M SAYING PUT A DIAPER ON THAT BABY’S FACE, ASS TURBAN.” Golden Rod punched out a lamp and shouted, “YOUR PATHETIC ATTEMPTS TO OFFEND ME HAVE BACKFIRED AND NOW I’M HORNY AS FUCK SO I’M GOING TO CALL UP YOUR MOTHER, WHOM I HAVE ON SPEED DIAL, AND TELL HER TO ORDER A PIZZA PIE BECAUSE I’M COMING OVER AND I’M GONNA FUCK HER IN THE FAT ASS, THEN EAT THE WHOLE PIZZA IN FRONT OF HER WHILE SHE CRIES AND IF SHE ASKS FOR PIZZA I’M GONNA SAY NO BITCH, YOU’VE HAD MORE THAN ENOUGH GODDAMN PIZZA ALREADY.” Bung Fu tore off his shirt and shouted “ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A SPAG NAMED GOLDEN ROD WHO WAS ON HIS WAY TO THE BIG CITY TO MAKE HIS FORTUNE, BUT SUDDENLY HE GOT ELBOW DROPPED,” and with that, Bung Fu leapt onto Golden Rod, elbows first. They began to fight and roll around and scream crap at each other. Nopants sighed.