Being the Sixth Such Manifesto of Discordia
That We Know Of
We do not adhere to any other copies of any other Discordian Manifesto either preceding, receding, or proceeding this document, especially not the one penned by Prince Mu-Chao while on an acid trip.
In fact, we do not adhere to any other document, written or otherwise. We adhere to ourselves and only ourselves, and some forms of glue. Screw the lot of you with your pernicious rules and regulations.
This is not a joke disguised as a manifesto and contrariwise, it is not a manifesto disguised as a joke. This is slam-bang guerilla ontology disguised as a jumble of letters and spaces, but not entirely.
The secret knowledge that this undocument will impart may or may not protect you from various Lovecraftian beasties and cabbages and the insolent THEY. We make no guarantees to its veracity, quality or immorality. We are only its humble authors.
Trip Five, or the POEE Baptismal Rite, is hereby decreed to be right in some sense, etc etc. ad infinitum. Which is part of the problem.
They don’t want you to read this. We tried to get it published in the New York Times, but THEY laughed at us and refused. Who do you have to bomb to get your manifesto printed in the New York Times?
THEY try to convince you that nonsense is a waste of time. THEY try to convince you that the Snark never existed. THEY try to tell you that meaninglessness is meaningless. You know better, don’t you?
THEY cannot believe that anybody would spend time producing something and not want to make a quick buck off of it. As far as THEY are concerned, KopyLeft is a nonsensical notion that would be dangerous to the economy if it ever caught on.
THEY try to convince you that there IS an economy. THEY try to convince you that money is real. THEY try to convince you that the majority should rule, even when the majority is wrong. THEY try to convince you that you are merely cannon fodder for politicians you didn’t even vote for.
THEY say there is no greenhouse effect. THEY say there is no such thing as magic. They say there is one god and He is White. If you don’t like that idea, THEY tell you that your only other choice is Science. THEY don’t dare mention the crazy bitch that actually runs this place. But you know better, don’t you?
Our catma is the Pentabarf, our church is a bowling alley, and our Goddess is Eris.
Eris is a mean bitch you do not want to meet. She is not a metaphor for impersonal forces. She is not a metaphor for impersonal forces. She is not a metaphor for impersonal forces. She is not a metaphor for impersonal forces. She is not a metaphor for impersonal forces. She creates chaos personally and on purpose, and does so because she is loopy.
BUT, when one embraces chaos as much as one does order and realizes that either one is just as useful and necessary as the other one and stops ordering chaos every time it is encountered, that person has what is called an EPIPHANY.
Epiphanies of this kind are translated to humans through their Pineal Gland. This is also known as the Pipeline to Eris.
Like any pipeline, it can get clogged naturally or by terrorists (i.e. – people who threaten to use force to get you to do things). In order to keep this pipeline clean, it is essential that you DO NOT EAT HOT DOG BUNS!
It cannot be stressed with mere capital letters or italics just how important this is to your well-being or sanity…
I’m… I’m sorry. I can’t go on. These ludicrous rants and raves have just… just… been done too much. They are no longer amusing to me. We have not reinvented ourselves as Discordians and our humor is growing old and stale.
* Insert misery and foreboding here *
We need to decide what it is we are… because I certainly don’t know any valid answer to that except for “ourselves”, and that sounds kind of new-age clichÃ©…
REINVENT YOURSELVES IN YOUR OWN IMAGE.
Or don’t. See if I care.