Ambrose Bierce Misattributions

I was reading Don Barthelme’s Not-Knowing and in it, he mentions offhand how when he used to work at a newspaper, they would often make up quotes and attribute them to Ambrose Bierce.

My idea is that we do this, and start by making up realistic ones (like “Enlightenment: The extremely short period between being sober and drunk.” – Ambrose Bierce) and spread them around the web… then start getting weirder and weirder (like “Om Om Padme Om… Om Om Padme Om… Oh! Oh! Paddle me! Oh!” – Ambrose Bierce).

I would suggest we do it for someone else, but Ambrose Bierce is perfect… who has read anything of his except for the Devil’s Dictionary?

I first suggested this in the Yahoo Group Discordia and everyone went apeshit attributing everything to Ambrose Bierce including flames… Here are a couple of examples from there:

“Fnord: It’s not just a word, it’s a way of life.” – Ambrose Bierce
“Do You Yahoo!? Yahoo! Auctions – buy the things you want at great prices” – Ambrose Bierce
“Here’s my idea: leave me the fuck alone!” – Ambrose Bierce
“Like my therapist isn’t ass-raping me enough as it is…” – Ambrose Bierce
“Save your barcodes!” – Ambrose Bierce

And on and on and on… soon it morphed and Klyf started attributing quotes to Alfred Hitchcock and Troma, and Helga quoted H.P. Lovecraft as saying, “The only purpose for exercise is so that you can run faster while the Elder Gods are chasing you, and provide less artery-clogging fat in their diets, which really pisses them off.”

Of course, many of these were too silly to be taken seriously… but you never know. People take the Roman Catholic Pope seriously EVERY SINGLE DAY, so a couple of these quotes just HAVE to break through.

If we can get even one false quote attributed to a person for all eternity, it will be worth it. If nothing else, this should give you ideas for other Mindfucks.

If you notice, our Random Quote Generator has quite a few quotes attributed to Ambrose Bierce… the catch is, some of them are real.

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