The Great Yahoo Jake of 3167

WHEREIN Discordia sticks apart in clumps and attacks Yahoo for calling our religion a parody!

The members of the Yahoo Group: Discordia decided that they were sick of seeing Discordia under the “Parody Religions” section of Yahoo. In retaliation for this heinous affrontary, we declared a JAKE upon them. It was set to go off on 5/23/01, and did… Yahoo was defeated almost 3 weeks later and acquiesced to our demands (kind of). It is now in Entertainment – Religion – Humor (and, as Hexar says, “Well, we are funny…”) and also in Mythology somewhere. The word parody is not to be found.
Aside from the following mails, we sent Yahoo barcodes (along with or independent from the mail): .GIF, .MP3-1, .MP3-2, .MP3-4, .MP3-5, .MP3-23. PMC made the GIF and Wonk created the audio files. Save Your Barcodes!
The Jakes are listed in the order I received them.

 

Original Letter, by Maenad and Prince Mu-Chao:

Hear ye, hear ye! All rise! Court is now in session!

Imagine how Jews or Buddhists would react if their religion was listed under “Humor”. They probably wouldn’t find it at all “Humor”ous. The Pope would have a fit if Roman Catholicism was termed a “Parody Religion.”

Well, Discordianism has BILLIONS of Popes, some of them quite famous. In fact, every woman and man on or off the face of this planet is a Pope (so please treat them right). That makes Discordianism the single most popular religion in the multiverse. While it is true that many people do not choose to actively participate in the whoreship of Eris, Goddess of Discord and Confusion and Really Scwewy Stuff, these people are nonetheless members of the fastest-growing religion in all creation (Discordianism grows at the exact same rate as the population, you see).

You are also a Pope of Discordia, whether you want to be or not. (One cannot be excommunicated until one knows the secret passwoid, or finds the Hammer of Excommunication.) By listing Discordianism under “Parody Religions,” Yahoo! is telling you that YOU ARE A JOKE! That’s not very respectful, now, is it? Do you think you’re a joke? You are if you don’t, then you really need to email Yahoo! and demand that this libelous misrepresentation be corrected IMMEDIATELY!

Discordianism must be removed from the “Parody Religions” and listed with the “real” ones, or else ALL religions must be listed as “Parody Religions.”

You don’t have to take much time out of your busy schedule. Just email Yahoo! If you are in a rush, simply cut and paste the following email message. It will take you less time than it has taken you to read to this point. If you are feeling creative and this sort of thing appeals to you, please feel free to write your own message, the weirder the better.

Hail Eris! All Hail Discordia!

—- begin snazzy form letter —-

Dear Yahoo!,

I was using your search engine to find tips on how to play Sink, and was very disappointed, nay, OFFENDED that you have listed Discordianism as a “Parody Religion.” There is no excuse for treating my religion with the same disrespect that you treat such ridiculousness as the “Subgenius Foundation” and “The Church of Beavis Christ”.

If Discordianism is a “Parody”, then why aren’t the alleged faiths of “Christianity,” “Judaism,” “Islam,” or “Hinduism”? We are not a “cult,” and our members are vast in numbers. Our Oreos are whole. Beware the terrible force is that is a Bored Discordian, and give in to our demands immediately.

I have emailed all my brothers and sisters in Eris about this and have urged them to also send you demands to move Discordianism in with the rest of the “real” religions. I think you may be surprised to learn just how many people you are injuring with your heinous disregard for our spiritual beliefs.

Thank me for my time.
—- end snazzy form letter —

Pope Leighann XXX’s Letter:

To Whom it May Concern:

I have engaged in the use of Yahoo! over the past seven or eight or so years as if it were an unholy thing that shall be taken away from me shortly.

Yahoo! has been the portal that I have gathered nearly every piece of information I have recovered from various sites on the web, and I rather enjoy the set up, especially the humor section.

Until recently I have had no qualms with Yahoo!, nor it me, as far as I could tell, until I was searching for the Principia Discordia and discovered it under, of all things, the category “parody religions.”

Ladies and gentlemen, “parody religions?!”

I must say that I find it very ungenerous of such a politically correct corporation such as Yahoo! with its fine standing in the Internet community to not only host such a grievous error but allow it to continue for what appears to be an obviously lengthy amount of time!

I really hope that this faux pas is merely an undetected error. As a Discordian, I take my religion seriously, as do the rest of my brothers and sisters in Eris, just as seriously if not moreso than Christians, Jews, Muslims, etc. Discordianism has existed for millennia, or at least about twenty-three years, therefore giving it a solid standing as a real, solid religion. After all, Scientology, which is based off a science fiction book by L. Ron Hubbard, is not listed among “parody religions”!

I strongly urge the change of Discordianism from “parody religions” to “Religions and Faith.” My belief is shared by my brethren Discordians; we demand the respect due to us. If Discordianism isn’t moved from “parody religions” to “Religions and Faith,” then perhaps the other religions listed under that category should be moved to “parody religions” as well.

This request is, in the opinions of myself and my fellow Discordians, not a great hindrance to Yahoo! but a highly important change in status that we Discordians are rightly due. When our children want to research our beliefs online, they are misled by the “parody religion” category and soon start taking our beliefs as, well, hogwash. Other religions don’t have to put up with this persecution, and I know that Yahoo!, as a concerned online community, wants to be as politically correct and user friendly, as well as conscientious of its clienteles’ feelings, as possible.

Please, for all the little fnords out there, make this change that, while one small step for you, is one giant leap for Discordians.

May the Sacred Chao bless you in your endeavor to help right this heinous wrong!

 

Rev. Mark D. Carabas:

Dear Sirs, Madams, and whatever else is around,

I was recently shocked and dismayed to discover that you have listed Discordianism as a “parody religion.” I am, of course, a Discordian of good standing (well at least no one kicked me out this month) and am annoyed, nay furious, that you have treated my religion so shabbily. I mean, come on, a parody? Of what exactly? We don’t take any of the other religions seriously enough to parody them! You don’t have Hubbard’s followers under “parody” and we make a lot more sense then them. Plus we don’t have Travolta. (did you SEE Battlefield Earth?)

Now, normally we don’t like being stuck with the other religions, they’re awfully snooty and Eris has managed to get most of the other gods mad at her at some point, but look who we’re stuck with now! The Church of Beavis Christ? Christloves.com? The Church of the Quivering Otter? I mean, sure they’re a lot of fun at parties, but think of the confusion our new converts might have, they might think we aren’t a real religion. So, I ask that either you move us into the same category as the rest of the religions, or tell me what the criteria is to become a “real” religion so that I might show how Discordianism meets it.

Yours in apoplectic fury,

Rev. Mark D. Carabas

 

Dingo Kaka’s letter:

To whom this may (or may not) concern:

It has recently come to my attention that there is a grave human rights violation occurring all over the world. The dead are being resurrected and used for cheap labor in many factories and fields.

Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do about this, but there is a problem we still have a chance to rectify.

On the Yahoo search engine, Discordianism is placed in the “Parody Religions” category. This confuses me.

What confuses me even more is that Scientology somehow made it into the “Non-Parody Religions” section. I mean, come on! Have you read that crap?!

In fact, new religions are made up everyday and put into the “Religions” category. It makes me feel hella dissed.

It is true that our religion is very light-hearted, and we often like to make fun of ourselves. But is this any reason to describe our religion as a joke? I think not!

Many cultures have trickster deities, yet their religions aren’t considered parodies. How do you think the Native Americans would react to your placing their religions in the “Parody” section? You’d be up to your ass valves in lawsuits!

Luckily, Discordians have better ways to spend their time than suing every yahoo (pun not intended) who refuses to recognize our rights or look at our tattoos and piercings (like trying to finish the calibrations on the PIXIE IX Reverse-Photon Application Enhancer before it is too late).

Whales howl at the moon because they don’t have TV. How could anyone deny the might of our goddess, Eris? (She is also known as Discordia. Don’t let this throw you. She is fickle, and changes her name at will. She also likes to shoe shop.)

Discordianism is the world’s biggest religion. Every single living thing (and some unliving things) are Discordian Popes. Do you realize what this means? Yahoo is belittling *your* religion by placing it in the “Parody” section! Are you going to stand for that?

Chaos is everywhere. Does your house stay neat after you clean it? No. It reverts to it’s natural cluttered state.

Don’t you ever wonder where your socks disappear to during the laundry process? (Eris demands lots of sockrifices.)

Things couldn’t change without Eris’ guiding hand.

Sure, sometimes the changes suck (and leave you with a burning sensation when you urinate), but they are all necessary. Without them everything would stagnate and die (of boredom).

Two trains 23 kilometers apart leave at 5:00.

Here is what Discordians would like to see happen: we want corporate sponsers to pay for our free, fun-loving lives. (“This night of drunken fun is brought to you by Rancho Deluxo Burritos.” You get the idea.) Of course, this probably won’t happen anytime soon, but see if you can get the ball rolling on this, okay?

We would also like Discordianism to be taken out of the “Parody Religion” area and placed in the “Religion” section with our stuffy counterparts.

If this cannot be accomplished we ask– Nay! We demand!… Nay, we ask… that Christianity, Judaism and Islam be placed in the “Parody Religions” section as well.

Fish!

I know that Yahoo has given you mighty, god-like powers. Please use these powers for good, and make the requested changes. “Change – it isn’t just for diapers any more!”

May Eris bless your days!

Synchronously yours,

Dingo Kaka

High Mucky-Muck of the Goofball Cabal and Patron Saint of the Dingo Phenomenon

 

Bishop Squarepeg Roundhole’s Jake

To the prettiest one:

Dear Eris,

Look, babe, I know you like to hide under a veil of confusion sometimes, well OK most times, I mean look at what you did to those poor ancient Greeks and their “argh – makes no sense – must FIX” attitudes, you actually got them thinking you were some kind of super villain…

But we’ve been discussing the matter at length down here on this little ol’ ball o’ dirt and we’ve been thinking. Since everyone here is a Holey Discordian Pope anyway, maybe, just maybe, it’s time they knew about it, without so easily being able to dismiss it as a “joke.”

So on behalf of my fellow Popes (and those of us with acting roles as Bishops, Cardinals, Vicars, Fakirs, Shamans, Accountants and so forth) I’d like to appeal you to drop by the pineal glands of Those What Index It All, aka the employees of Yahoo!, just for a quick visit you know, for tea and cookies and maybe some ice cream if you have the time, and tell ’em you’ve had enough. Time to step out of the shadows. We know it’s fun pretending you’re a joke and all, but wouldn’t it be just as fun to pretend you’re not one, at least for a little while, hon? We know WE would find it fun. Super-fun. Hell yeah.

I mean let’s face it. You’ve been around a hell of a lot longer than Scientology, the Church of the SubGenius, The Raelian Movement, and That What Indexed It All (aka Yahoo!) and you’ll outlast them all, too.

You’re continually misunderstood by most, but that’s not your fault, and you know it, too.

But you know – no pressure. If being listed under “Home > Society and Culture > Religion and Spirituality” is a bit too Thudditical for your tastes at the current time, we’ll understand. In fact we appreciate that being listed even under “Home > Entertainment > Humor > Religion >Religious Parodies” might be a bit too Seriously Ordered for your tastes. In which case have you considered moving your ass to something truly confusing such as “Home > Science > Engineering > Petroleum Engineering > Offshore Drilling > Opposing Views” or “Home > Science > Biology > Zoology > Animals, Insects, and Pets > Pets > Loss and Bereavement > Memorials” or “Home > Regional > Countries > Canada > Provinces and Territories > Manitoba > Regions > Capital> Cities > Winnipeg > Recreation and Sports > Curling” or something.

Hail you. Amen. Praise Allah. Hocus-Pocus. QED. Have a nice day.

Everything’s yours,
Bishop Squarepeg Roundhole, BSR

Chaplain-Commandant-in-Standing, Greater Winnipeg Area Discordianism Fan Club

 

Wonk’s Jake:

5/23/01
Subject: Ha Ha Only Serious

Yahoo Gurus,

The “ha ha only serious” worldview has not yet been considered as a socially learned skill. Until it is, groups like the Church of the SubGenius, the Discordians and the Cthulhuvians will not be taken seriously as subjects of study. In essence, the “joke” will continue until the groups engage in activity that merits traditional attention placed upon them, either in the media or in academia.

Consider yourself informed, this IS the aforementioned activity. Get it?

Seriously just kidding,
Wonk

P.S.: This is not a threat; why would you think it might be?

P.P.S: Please move “Discordianism” to the “Religions” category or else move “Christianity”, “Judaism”, “Pentacolstal” etc. to the “Parody/Religions” category. If you don’t, we will start a new movement to refer to Yahoo as a Parody Search Engine and Yahooka, YaJew, Yippee, etc. as Serious Search Engines.

 

Prince Mu-Chao’s first Jake

Frater Perderabo once said:

That is not which is.
The only Word is Silence.
The only Meaning of that Word is not.
Thoughts are false.
Fatherhood is unity disguised as duality.
Peace implies war.
Power implies war.
Harmony implies war.
Victory implies war.
Glory implies war.
Foundation implies war.
Alas! for the Kingdom wherein all these are at war.

You have not yet moved Discordia out of the parody section. There will be consequences. What do you know about ants? We are serious. We are holding your souls hostage until our demand is met. We are not parody. Move us to art if you must. We are not a joke. We are deadly serious. Save your barcodes.

Move Discordia to your religions page. The fate of your souls depend on it. We have a kosmic garbage compactor. Warning: save your barcodes.

parody is art.

art is religion.

silence is war.

not-doing is war.

what man is at home at Yahoo?

get out.

get out.

save your barcodes.

If discordia is still listed as a parody religion by the time the goddess’ birthday arrives, your souls will be forfeit. you have been warned. Save your barcodes.

“What would Duff Man Do?” – Ambrose Bierce

 

Hexar le Saipe’s Jake:

To whom it may concern… or not;

Sirs (and/or madams), I am a practicing pagan… apparently I haven’t gotten it right yet. Specifically I follow the Greco-Roman goddess of chaos, Eris Discordia by name. The lady of chaos touches all aspects of my life and has changed me from my former self. So I find myself angered that Yahoo has chosen to list Discordianism as a “Parody Religion.” I do not see Yahoo! treating the Wiccans or the Asatru this way, even the Satanists are not treated as a parody (and if I ever saw a joke, its name is Church of Satan.)

A quick search of Yahoo! Site Matches showed three Discordian sites, one broken link, something called “Cult Master 2000” and two links to essentially the same site listed under Society and Culture > Religion and Spirituality > Faiths and Practices > Scientology > Opposing Views.

I for one find it very disturbing to be in the same category with the “Cult Master 2000.” I’m sure Yahoo! would feel the same under the circumstances.

I understand that Discordianism finds abundant humor that other religions seem to have in short supply, but I do not understand how that makes us a “parody.” I (and many other Discordians) would appreciate it if you would either rethink your position on Discordianism or place the other “mainstream” religions in the parody category.

All that we ask is a level playing field… and tax exempt status.

Since Yahoo! cannot provide us with the latter, we sincerely ask for your help with the former.

So Long and Thanks for all the Fish,

Reverend Doctor Hexar le Saipe
The One True Pope of Mississippi
Velvet Earth Machine Cult

 

CounterPope Meat Thing’s Jake

i was astonished, upon doing a search for groups sharing my religious persuasion, to find out that Yahoo! has listed Discordianism under the heading of “Parody Religion.” While it may seem like a quirky religion, i can assure you that it has at its roots one of the most influential deities in the Greek pantheon.

Why, Eris Discordia herself was said to have caused the great Trojan War! She had been snubbed. Lest you find yourselves in an altogether not dissimilar situation hardly unlike something such as one involving things resembling these, you should heretofore point that thing away from “Parody Religions” and towards, say, “Really Earnest and Only Incidentally Funny Cults.”

Thank you for your time. Hail Eris!

CounterPope Meat Thing, KSC (et cetera) of the
really quite solemn Chimney-Possum DisLodge cabal, amongst others

 

Lord Falgan’s (http://telesis.blogspot.com) beautiful series of emails:

Jake #1

Report PRL-052301-2317-e
Filed and Crossindexed. BEAST#0125-11111-mu5-0203
This report will remain on file for 5 years.

To: Yahoo URL Support
Fr: L. Falgan, Pineal Research Laboratory
Re: Index Error

Dear Dr. Yahoo URL Support:

This is a standard report generated by the CHAMOS system. CHAMOS has detected a(n) Index Error (Class 2) in the Yahoo Index, and this report has been automatically generated to inform you of the error.

CHAMOS (Chaos Monitoring System) was developed by the Pineal Research Laboratory to track Brownian-Heisenberg Internet information flows within normal Random/Uncertainty parameters.

Details of the error(s) are as follows:

*** CHAMOS SCAN 391119400-0105 Iteration P
*** URL:
http://dir.yahoo.com/Entertainment/Humor/Religion/Religious_Parodies/Discordian/
*** Index Error (Class 2)
*** Bad Heuristic Value Association (fatal$)
*** Dumped to file ^greyface (!!)
*** Starting notification protocols…
*** lordfalgan@hotmail.com Done.
*** url-support@yahoo-inc.com Done.
*** violations@fcc.gov Done.
*** Notification protocols completed.
*** END OF REPORT

CHAMOS has analyzed the error(s) and recommends the following action(s):

*** SOLUTION MATRIX ACTIVE
*** SOLUTION 1: URL
http://dir.yahoo.com/Entertainment/Humor/Religion/Religious_Parodies/Discordian/
should be re-indexed to
http://dir.yahoo.com/Society_and_Culture/Religion_and_Spirituality/Faiths_and_Practices/.
*** SOLUTION 2: All URL(s) found at
http://dir.yahoo.com/Society_and_Culture/Religion_and_Spirituality/Faiths_and_Practices/
should be re-indexed to
http://dir.yahoo.com/Entertainment/Humor/Religion/Religious_Parodies/
*** No other solutions found.
*** Computing Brownian-Heisenberg Stability Factors… Done.
*** SOLUTION 1: 100% stability
*** SOLUTION 2: 100% stability
*** END SOLUTION MATRIX

These CHAMOS notifications are provided free of charge as a public service to users of the Internet. If you have any questions or comments about this report, please contact the Pineal Research Laboratory at lordfalgan@hotmail.com . Please include the Report Number and CHAMOS Scan number in all correspondence. Due to volume of mail received, a personal reply may not be possible.

The Pineal Research Laboratory is a subsidiary of the Novus Ordo Seclorum Erisium, a non-prophet irreligious disorganization, and is not intended for broadcast fnord.

Jake #2

Same as above, but with the following addition:

*****
THIS IS A SECOND NOTICE! Please verify with your own records that the index error still exists and make changes to remove this error.
*****

Jake #3

Same as first, but with the following addition:

*****
THIS IS A THIRD NOTICE! Please verify with your own records that the index error still exists and make changes to remove this error. DO NOT DISREGARD THIS NOTICE! FAILURE TO MAKE THESE CHANGES COULD CAUSE DAMAGE TO SURROUNDING CODE INDEXES AND JEOPARDIZE YOUR CREDIT RATING!
*****

Jake #4

Correspondence 1923-E-052901-0005
Logged and filed with FCC.

To: Yahoo URL Support
Fr: L. Falgan, Pineal Research Laboratory
Re: Lightning Damage

Our records show that you have received an CHAMOS error notification letter within the past 30 days. (Report PRL-052301-2317-e – Index Error)

Unfortunately, due to an Act of God*, all CHAMOS records of any correspondence within the past 30 days have been lost. To ensure that proper notification of all CHAMOS-detected errors are documented and recorded by all concerned parties, CHAMOS will be resending the error notification messages to you within the next 24 hours.

It is possible you have received second and third notifications of errors. In such a case, please do not wait for further notification and take the suggested remedies immediately.

We apologize for the incovenience.

L. Falgan
Pineal Research Laboratory

The Pineal Research Laboratory is a subsidiary of the Novus Ordo Seclorum Erisium and is not to be resold or repackaged.

* We are not certain which God is responsible for this damage at this time.

Please contact the FBI (case number 172305) with any information which could help reveal the identity of the perpetrator.

Of course, Lord Flagan resent the first three emails a second time… and still there was no response. So…

To: Yahoo URL Support
Fr: L. Falgan, Pineal Research Lab
Re: Code Faults and Runtime Check Errors

Dear Dr. Yahoo URL Support:

It has come to my attention that you have been sent three notification error messages regarding a detected Index Error (Class 2) as a result of a standard CHAMOS scan. (A fourth copy of the error message will be appended here for your reference.)

CHAMOS has further reported that the identified error has not been fixed, despite the warnings and explanation of consequences your organization can face for allowing it to remain.

Honestly, Dr. Yahoo URL Support, can you afford to allow this error to remain? Many people do not understand how Brownian-Heisenberg information flows operate, so it is understandable that you may be reticent to investigate the error. But let me explain why allowing this error to go unchecked and unfixed is of negative value.

A badly indexed B-H flow causes random-uncertainty traces to be diverted improperly to other code indexes. In some cases, this causes an Entropy Loop, where information flows back on itself in a Negative Sum recursion, and causes a buildup of electronic entropic particles within the hardware of your machines.

A Negative Sum Recursion Entropy Loop (NSREL) can cause any of the following:

  • Slow disk activity.
  • Corrupted data.
  • File loss.
  • Server integrity loss (server crashes).
  • Print spooler integrity loss (printer crashes).
  • Freezes and lockups.
  • Slow booting, or lockup on shutdown.
  • Internal hardware damage.
  • Electrocution.

You probably have noticed some of this activity occurring on your system. I can assure you, with a NSREL, things will only get worse. The good news is that if you correct the improper index, a very simple task, you can avoid further problems like the ones listed above.

Please read over the attached error message and take its advice. We are only looking after the safety of your equipment and your employees. If you have any questions about this email, you can contact me at lordfalgan@hotmail.com

Kindest regards,
L. Falgan, Pineal Research Laboratory
—–
(attached original error message)

 

Helga’s Jake:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I have been a Discordian for some time now, and while I can understand and appreciate misdirection and non-sequitur in the name of educative and recreational humor as well as the next person (and probably a little better, given that I’m probably a little more likely to be perpetrating it than observing or receiving it), I had been hoping that the categorization of my religion was a temporary misunderstanding at worst, or at best a fond joke-in-kind to make us feel welcomed.

However, Discordianism is still being listed as a parody religion, and this puzzles me utterly. “Parody” in what sense? We revere a deity (Eris, the Greek goddess of, among other things, Discord and Lawn Gnomes), there are many followers of our faith worldwide (just check out sometime how many downloads there have been of any given copy of the online version of “Principia Discordia” – our seminal religious writing, from which all other Discordian writings take their basis, and from which all of us take at least some small portion of our belief structure). How does an institution such as Yahoo decide what is “parody” and what is non-parody (original? real? serious?), in terms of religion?

You might be put off by “nonsense” that you receive from Discordians, or see on Discordian websites, but truly the basis of the Discordian hope and mindset is the concept that we have power over our reality, and as such we choose to imbue our reality with as much humor and texture as possible.

“Nothing is true; everything is permitted.” How is this different from Neurolinguistic Programming, for example (other than the aspect of Deity in the form of Eris), which teaches that people can change their internal “programming” for the better, to improve their lives?

Doing a search on “NLP” among Yahoo’s Groups showed me that NLP is listed in such diverse categories as Social Science, Hypnotherapy, and Christianity.

There is no NLP-related group among “Parody Religions,” which is where Discordianism finds itself, despite sharing many similar techniques and goals. Except for the lawn gnomes.

Please create a “Discordianism” category under “Religions” and allow us, and any other groups who feel that this category best matches their chosen belief system, to move our group within a category that does not minimize or invalidate the worth and importance of our beliefs, as “Parody” quite thoroughly does.

Yours in Eris,
Helga Murray

 

Lord Randominus’ Jake:

Yahoo!,

I am gravely concerned about your lack of response in regards to the lack of response to the Discordian Communities cry for understanding. One would think that in such enlightened times as these the addition of a sense of humor to a religion would not discount it as “parody”. Nonetheless, when I searched recently for Discordia on Yahoo! I found it once again under the disturbing category of parody religions.

THIS MUST STOP!!

How is it that a religion based on balance and freedom of expression in a completely non destructive way is called a “parody”, yet sleeping in a pyramid with patchouli burning listening to some one tell you your chakras are inflamed while Yanni drones in the background is considered spirituality. How can running across hot rocks, or worshiping the tentacled space God XENU who gloms on to your thetans be taken as religion, and The Law of Fives be discounted as parody (if you think the fives thing is a joke read Bucky Fuller).

In conclusion I demand that Discordianism be placed with the rest of the parody religions (aka scientology, christianity, new age, wicca et. al.) If these demands are not met, the ACOSB will have no choice but to stand around milling, drink too much coffee, and possibly say things like “JERK!!”, “GRRRR!!!”, and “SLAPPYBACK!!!!”, and this is only the beginning of our onslaught continued resistance will find us sleeping, or working, eventually one of us may die (probably an old or sick one), and the coyotes will mill about waiting for the Olde One. He comes to them on rented shoes. His eyes glimmer like a glimmery thing that’s really glimmery and he will say unto his children, “why are you milling about? Don’t any of you have jobs?”, and they will reply “woof” or some such coyote like response, and they will eat him like unto a John Sausage. Amen.

Lord Randominus
“Keep your eye on the sparrow.” –Ambrose Bierce

 

The following is what Malefactorum, Grand Duke Astoreth sent Yahoo. Machine translation follows.

I, Abdul Al-Hazred, sagen dieses zu Ihnen: Die älteren Götter haben den verdammten Schlaf gesetzt. Und sie dieser Besetzer mit den Dichtungen und wecken die Lagerschwellen auch werden verdammt auf.

Und ich sage weiter, liege hierin die buchstabiere, um die Dichtungen zu brechen, die im thrall Cthulhu und sein ebon horde anhalten. Für habe mich meine Lebensdauer verbracht, um sie alle zu erlernen. So ist Dummkopf, die Schwärzung oben im Platz pent: Die Gatter zur Hölle sind geschlossen. Sie einmischen sich an Ihren eigenen Unkosten: Wenn Sie benennen, wecken sie auf und beantworten Sie. Dieses ist mein Geschenk zur Menschheit — sind hier die Tasten. Finden Sie Ihre eigenen Verriegelungen; seien Sie froh. I, Sagen Abdul Al-Hazred dieses zu Ihnen: I, das sich abgaben und morgens wütend.

Im Namen Allah das wohlt^§tige, das Merciful.

1.1: Alles Lob liegt an Allah, der Lord der Welten.
1.2: Das wohltätige, das Merciful.
1.3: Meister des Tages des Urteils.
1.4: Thee wir dienen und Thee beseech wir für Hilfe.
1.5: Halten Sie uns auf dem rechten Pfad.
1.6: Der Pfad von denen nach, wem schenkte hast Thou Bevorzugungen.

Nicht (der Pfad) von denen nach wem wird Wrath Thy gesenkt noch von denen, die verloren gehen.

KENNEN SIE YE DIESER O Mann DES GLAUBENS!

I – Es gibt keine Göttin, aber Göttin und sie sind Ihre Göttin. Es gibt keine Bewegung Erisian, aber die Bewegung und es Erisian sind die Bewegung Erisian. Und jedes goldene Apfelkorps ist das geliebte Haus einer goldenen Endlosschraube.

II – Ein cordian Dis benutzt immer das amtliche Dokument Zahlensystem Discordian.

III – Ein Discordian wird während seiner frühen Ablichtung, alleine auszugehen u. Partake Joyously eines heiüen Hundes an einem Freitag angefordert; diese Zeremonie Devotive zu Remonstrate gegen das populäre Paganisms des Tages: vom katholischen Christentum (kein Fleisch am Freitag), des Judentums (kein Fleisch von Schweinefleisch), der Völker Hindic (kein Fleisch des Rindfleisches), der Buddhisten (kein Fleisch des Tieres) und des Discordians (keine heiüer Hundebrötchen).

IV – Ein Discordian Partake ohne heiüer Hundebrötchen, für so war-das Solace unserer Göttin, als sie mit dem urspr^ºnglichen Snub konfrontiert wurde.

V – ein Discordian wird vom Glauben verboten, was er liest.

ES WIRD SO GESCHRIEBEN! SEIEN SIE SO ES HAGEL DISCORDIA! VERFOLGER SIND TRANSGRESSICUTED.

In the Service of the Elders of the Illuminati,
Malefactorum, Grand Duke Astoret

I, Abdul Al-Hazred, say this to you: The older gods have put the damn sleep. And they attack this squatter with the seals and awaken the camp swings also.

And I say further, lie here spells to break the seals that abide in the thrall Cthulhu and his ebon horde. For I have spent my life to learn them all. So is fool, the darkness up in the place pent: The gates to hell are closed. They interfere at your own expense: When you name, wake them up and answer. This is my gift to mankind – here are the keys. Find your own locks; Be glad I say, Abdul Al-Hazred this to you: I, who gave himself up and mad in the morning.

In the Name of Allah, the Merciful.

1.1: All praise is to Allah, the Lord of the worlds.

1.2: The benevolent, the Merciful.

1.3: Master of the Day of Judgment.

1.4: Thee we serve and Thee beseech we for help.

1.5: Keep us on the right path.

1.6: The path from those to whom donated thou favors.

Not (the path) of those to whom is Wrath Thy lowered nor by

Those who are lost.

KNOW YE THIS O MAN OF FAITH!

I – There is no goddess, but goddess and they are your goddess. There is no movement Erisian, but the movement and it Erisian are the movement Erisian. And every golden apple corpse is the beloved house of a golden endless screw.

II – A cordian dis always uses the official document payment system Discordian.

III – A discordian is requested during his early illumination, alone & Partake Joyously of a hot dog on a Friday; This ceremony devoted to remonstruments against the popular Paganisms of the day: Catholic Christianity (no meat on Friday), Judaism (no meat of pork), the folks Hindic (no meat of the beef), the Buddhists (no meat of the animal) Of the Discordians (no hot dog breeds).

IV – A Discordian Partake without Hot Dog Breeds, so was the solace of our goddess when she was confronted with the original Snub.

V – a Discordian is forbidden by faith, what he reads.

IT IS WRONG! BE SO IT HAGEL DISCORDIA! TRACKERS ARE TRANSGRESSICUTED.

In the Service of the Elders of the Illuminati,
Malefactorum, Grand Duke Astoreth

 

Klyf’s friend Mark sent the following Jake:

re: Yahoo! Group “Discordia”

Parody? Do you know that Eris really *is* a member of the Greek Pantheon? In light of the current situation, I feel compelled to lighten your load of ignorance.

“In Greek religion, goddess of strife. Angered at not being invited to the wedding of Peleus and Thetis, she threw down the apple of discord (see Paris, in Greek mythology).” (encyclopedia.com)

“Roman Discordia, in Greco-Roman mythology, the personification of strife, daughter of Nyx, and sister and companion of Ares, or the Roman Mars. Eris is best known for her part in starting the Trojan War. When she alone of the gods was not invited to the marriage of Peleus and Thetis, she threw among the guests a golden apple… ”
(Encyclopedia Britannica)

I find it highly irritating that you would be so confused as to write off the Goddess who started the Trojan war as “Parody.” While I expect that kind of idiocy from the people sleeping down at the bus depot, I find it deplorable from such an icon of information and knowledge that Yahoo! seemed (otherwise) to be. However, having one of the Internet’s leading search engines has apparently led Yahoo! down a path of complacency with regards to their familiarity with Classical Literature and Mythology. Yet another symptom of the decline of that which we Americans refer to so loosely as our “Educational System.”

Sincerely and Disgustedly Yours,
kaosnight

Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot for a moment what the word “yahoo” meant.

 

St. Mae’s Jake:

Dear Yahoo,

I have been a long-time user of your site, your clubs, your webrings, and many of your other services. Even though I worked for a direct competitor of yours for a while, I still faithfully used your website(s).

The reason I am writing to you is that I am very dissapointed at your treatment of my religion, Discordianism. You have Discordianism listed under “parody religions”. I find this very offensive, for my faith to be treated as some kind of joke.

At age 14, I had a revelation: I was born again into the love of Eris, my divine goddess of chaos. You would call this a “parody”?? Every Friday, I eat a hotdog without a bun. Every 5/23 I lovingly dust off Emperor Norton’s grave. Every Discordian holiday, I am out celebrating until the wee hours of the night. How is this some sort of joke??

I’m sure you too would be dismayed to find that your faith was listed under “humor”. We will not be trivialized!

Yahoo, please recognize my faith as the valid religion it is. Sure, the followers of Discordia may not be as many as the legions who follow Jesus or Buddha or Vishnu. Sure, our holy ceremonies may look silly to some – but this is the case with all religions.

In closing, I urge you to put Discordianism under Religion & Spirituality – where it truely belongs.

May chaos visit you in your sleep.

Sincerely,
Saint Mae

 

Hicutus Confusus sent the following:

To Whom It May Concern: (this means you)(right?)

As an active non-member of the Discordian Faith (which is not actual faith, but rather, Malevolent Doubt, in some sense) It is my duty/whim/true will to inform you that we (and I use the word ‘we’ loosely) take a certain amount of offense to being described as a ‘parody religion’.

Firstly, ours is not a religion, rather we are a tribe of philosophers, theologians, magicians, scientists, artists, clowns, and similar maniacs who are intrigued with ERIS GODDESS OF CONFUSION and with Her Doings — and then some of us aren’t.

Secondly, we do not exist to simply parody, or make fun of the faith of others. (Of course, we do actually do that, but not simply for it’s own sake.)

Twenty Thirdly, we take what is humorous seriously, and we take being serious humorously. That is to say, our dogma, which is in truth not dogma, but catma, instructs us to never take ourselves too seriously, or to take others at all (they should instead, be left alone, unless they ask for a ride).

Thusly, for You-Hoo to label us in such a way that others think we should be taken simply as a joke is both erroneous and libelous. In a nutshell, we do not parody the religion of others, we parody our own religion, and not out of irreverence per se, but out of our greatest respect for the central idea that people, and the world we live in, are/is more important than religious ideology, and by parodying our own ideology (which is not even ideology) we assure that the tools of belief/doubt always remain as tools and never turn into shackles.

In short, we are not a joke. We subscribe to a viable, alternative to religion itself. And we would like it very much if you would put us in a more appropriate category than “parody religions”.

The people have spoken! We may not be unified, but we can make a lot of noise.

Thank you,

Hail Eris! All Hail Discordia!
Hicutus Confusus Episkipos (DSM)

 

Another from Mu-Chao:

MOVE Discordia.

Please?

We won’t stop, you know.

None of us have jobs.

This is what we do.

Oh, sure.

You’re amused now.

Just wait until next month.

You’ll be pretty sick of us.

We can be quite boring when provoked.

* * * * *
Prince Mu-Chao
“What would Duff Man Do? He’d move Discordia to Religions and Christianity to Parody. Oh yeah.” – Ambrose Bierce

* * * * *

Next in our vast array of Jakes is Wonk’s Second Letter:

Hello Yahoosers, Yahoosians, Yahoobas, and whoever else may be reading this,

I would like to compliment you on having such a fine search engine that excels in so many ways. However, there is one significant thing that needs improving. You have somehow listed “Discordianism” in the wrong category.

Unless you can prove that it is only a joke and somehow inferior to those other mainstream “religions” which you have listed in the religion category, you should move it into the proper category as soon as possible. The proper category, of course, would be “religions” and not “parody religions” where you currently have it indexed.

We would be glad to engage in a debate with you over what differentiates a cult from a religion from a joke, and we think we would win, or else we wouldn’t be bothering you in the first place. To me, most mainstream religions would be more accurately classified as cults, but I’m not insisting that you classify them as such, as I do believe in freedom of religion. I would be satisfied just to have Discordianism classified correctly, fnord.

Do you know that Eris really *is* a member of the Greek Pantheon? In light of the current situation, I feel compelled to lighten your load of ignorance with some things that can be found in your own most excellent search engine.

One thing I have noticed about Discordians that I have known is they tend to have significantly above average IQs with an almost obsessive attention to proper language. This could be because many of them are also computer programmers, and I’m sure you can understand how computers require “correct language” in their instructions or else they drastically misbehave. When Discordians play with language, let me assure you, it is no accident, shawuzbatim keelowza hophraloo.

Fnord?

If Discordianism is a joke at all, the joke is making fun of the fact that all mainstream religion’s dogmas are composed of vague language that can be interpreted as needed to justify and rationalize practically anything convenient at the time.

Even if Discordianism includes jokes, why should that disqualify it from being an actual religion as well? As far as I am aware, there is no hard and fast rule that religion must be a downer, even though current mainstream media indicate that those types have dominated popular cultures lately, by which I mean since the beginning of the Dark Ages.

By no means does that give them the right to bully everyone forever. Their power derives from the fact that we collectively let them do what they are doing, which includes such silly things as ignoring the scientific method and laughing off the democratic process. To me, it is a hilarious joke on the citizens of the world that the Attorney General of the one remaining hyper-power-state holds daily Presbyterian prayer meetings in government offices during office hours, and that the public lets him waste tax dollars like that.

It’s also gut-bustingly funny that ~80% of the ambassadors Dubya is currently sending to represent your country to foreign countries have absolutely no diplomatic experience other than being campaign donors to his quest to fool enough of the voting public in November 2000.

No wonder the GOP argues to shrink government; they themselves cripple it in the first place. That, however, is another entire topic of discussion.

Let me clarify my main point once again, in case you somehow missed it. Put Discordianism in the “religion” category, and we’ll all be much happier, and maybe you will too.

Ha Ha Only sErIoUs,
Wonk

Save your barcodes. –Ambrose Bierce

 

Yet another by Mu-Chao:

Hello,

This message is intended to be read by the support tech in charge of reading all URL changes.

Well, what do you think? Are you a Discordian yet? The pull to join with us must be tremendous in you.

This is a one-time special offer that will not be repeated. If you send a Jake to yourself (via url-support@yahoo-inc.com) and forward it to me, you will be made a Saint of Discordia and will be featured prominently in our next holy book.

Think of it! You’ll be famous! You will also get a percentage of the money made off of the book. Since we will probably give it away for free, this will not be very much – but if you supply us with your address, we will make sure to mail you a check monthly, even if it is for $0.00.

We will not publish your name – no one will ever know but we Discordians.

Please, for Eris’ sake, jake yourself into changing the category of Discordia in the Yahoo! listings.

 

Another by Mark D. Carabas:

The following is an excerpt from the Discordian Holy Book of Musings:

Book 5

1 – Lo! Reverend Mark D. Carabas was searching high and low on the great indexing of the web that spans the world, but he could not find neither hide nor hair of the Word.
2 – Suddenly there was a great flashing of monitors and wailing of drives, and there did come to pass that Eris herself appeared before him, cunningly disguised as a blue screen with white writing.
3 – And Eris spake to the unworthy Mark Carabas, saying unto him, “Go forth and hit the reset button that thou may again begin thy browsing.”
4 – As the dim-witted Mark reached for the button, again the screen did flash, and Eris said “Wait you fool, that I may speak and thou shalt receive my great guidance that thou art in sore need of.”
5 – Mark waited until the sun rose in the sky, but Eris uttered no further word.

6 – Then, as Mark grew tired, he noticed the message “Hit the Any Key” and he was sore perplexed as his keyboard did not have a key called any.
7 – And he grew vexed, and banged his fist upon the keyboard and Behold! the Goddess in her mercy pitied the foo and spake unto him once more.

8 – “Go and after thy reseting is done, go unto the place of the Yahoo, and amongst them thou shalt see Discordia under the bleak sign of the religions of parody.”

9 – Mark grew vexed again, as was his wont, and wailed “Goddess Eris, does it please you that we are regarded as mere humor and not as a faith?!”
10 – And again the Goddess spake “No, it is not pleasing to mine eyes, and so I give you, and all those who worship me, the great quest to appeal to the Gods of the Yahoo tribe to correct this great injustice, lest I too grow vexed and send upon them great plagues of chaos.”

11 – “Further, let thou all do this deed upon the Holy day 5/23, that all may see mine own hand in this work when we achieve our great goal.”

12 – Mark lazily spewed “Awww, that sounds a lot like work, do I have to?”
13 – And there was a great wind that scattered papers about the place and in a puff of purple smoke Eris appeared.

14 – She looked upon Mark and gave him a great smack about the head and said “Shut up you ruined the whole Biblical tone of the piece you shmuck, just do it.”
15 – With those words she disappeared, leaving Mark to wonder why she was quoting Nike.

23 – But Mark was in fear of the Goddess and he did as she asked and all came about as she foretold.

The following was written by Jenny (a faery) and sent in by Bishop Sqarepeg Roundhole:

—begin jake—

Hi there!

My name is Jenny, and I’m a faery! Do you believe *that*?!

No, I imagine you don’t. Your loss…

Hey, I could go and glue white feathers on these butterfly wings of mine, grab a white gown, wear a glowing Ring on my head and claim I’m an angel sent by GOD. Would you believe *THAT*!?!

No, I imagine you’d *still* be skeptical…

Actually, I imagine you sitting there, on your ass, in your not-quite-comfortable-enough office chair, your half-eaten McDonald’s burger on your desk beside you, right beside the little Dilbert calendar that almost keeps you from going insane while you’re stuck in your tiny cubicle in that passionless veal-fattening pen you call your ‘job’… wanly combing through the incoming e-mail, wondering if the next one is going to be worth taking seriously, or whether it will be just another “kook” suggesting that Discordianism should be placed in a less degrading category on your website.

Has it even *occured* to you that it might be *BOTH*?

If not, you don’t understand quantum physics nearly as well as you like to brag to your friends that you do. Throw one basketball at two hoops enough times and eventually it WILL go through both of them, you know.

So what’s it going to take? A bribe?

I hate to stoop to such a level, but very well, if that’s what it’s come down to…

Here, take 125,000 Zorkmids! Go ahead, take ’em! They’re yours!

No, seriously. TAKE them. They’re right here.

What do you mean, you can’t? Yes you can!

What do you MEAN, they’re not real? Sure they are! They’re Zorkmids!

What – you’re going to insist they’re not real just because you can’t SEE them? How stupid is that?!? I might as well insist YOU don’t exist because I can’t see YOU! But I’m talking to you, aren’t I?!?

What?!? You’re saying they’re not real because they don’t have any weight? Because you can’t hold them in your hand? Oh, for… I might as well say that Yahoo! isn’t real because IT doesn’t have any weight and I can’t hold IT in my hand! Do you take me for a fool?!?

What do you MEAN, they don’t have any VALUE to you?!? They’re *ZORKMIDS*! They’re accepted at just about every Surreal Supermart I can think of! There’s practically no end of Spiritual Technology you can buy with them!!! Don’t you *want* a new eSoTErIC lAWnMoWEr?!?

Couldn’t you *use* a new Burke Spindustries Mk-5 Spacetime Stapler?

Come ON! Be reasonable!

Good grief! You’re so hopelessly certain that I’m not making any sense! Who told you to be so certain? What *evidence* do you have that faeries aren’t real? Just because it strikes you as silly doesn’t mean it’s not true. Just because the thought of it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn’t mean we don’t exist. If those were the case, then how would you explain the duck-billed platypus… and headcheese?

You’re just one of those stupidly prideful people who just can’t admit that YOU COULD BE WRONG, ain’t ya?

No?

OK, then! So TAKE them already! 125,000 Zorkmids! Right here!

Come ON!!!

Huh. Alright. You drive a hard bargain.

2,500,000 Zorkmids. That’s my final offer.

WHAT?!?!?

Oh, NOW you’ve done it. I’ve been nothing but genuine and honest with you, yet you insist that you don’t need to pay attention because “it’s just crazy talk.” Fine, then. You asked for it, buddy. I’m showing up in your dreams *tonight*. YES, tonight. Oh, you might not remember it when you wake up. In fact, yeah, I’ll bet you don’t remember your dreams very often, do you? You candy-glass-reality types never do. But that changes nothing. I WILL be there whether you notice me or not. I will get inside that BOX you call your mind while you sleep and PLAY with it until you decide to start thinking OUTSIDE of it for a change.

Quit telling Erisians what their religion IS and IS NOT…

…as if YOU would know and THEY wouldn’t.

*LISTEN* for once!

Downright disgusted,
Jenny
Trade Envoy First Class, Interspiritual Faery Currency Exchange
Vive la revolution de la fee! Vive l’esprit libre! Teeheeheeheehee!

—end jake–

 

Hicutus Confusus says that he has been sending several iterations of the “Save Your Barcodes” message, as follows:

Dear Sirs,

If you have been recieving emails that require you to ‘Save Your Barcodes’ please do so by all means!!

Don’t you understand? Your very souls are in limbo!

It is important to save your barcodes.

Say it our loud… “Save Your Barcodes” That’s right, just think it out loud in your head…

Save Your Barcodes

The Afirmative Barcode Salvation Squad (TABSS)

HCE

p.s. Save Your Barcodes

 

Saint Durrutti sent in the following:

Now I know this is hardly an original sentiment at this point, but I’m gonna complain anyway about discordian clubs being listed as a parody religion.

Think about it. Are we really on a level with those thieving bastards at the Church of the SubGenius? Would you lump us in with the Cult of Dan? Are we truly as low as the Temple of Sex Appeal? (I know for a fact we’re sexier than that bunch.)

Our rituals are ancient, dating back at least as far as Scientology, and probably further than most Wiccans except the real hardcores. We predate most of that New Age crap, and Falun Gong is as an infant beside us.

Our beliefs find their origins in the most ancient shamanism and the most modern physics, but especially in a manifestation in a bowling alley snack bar. Honestly, how can you take any religion seriously if it has no bowling and no snacks?

Our fellow believers are legion. No less a figure than President George II can be counted among us (although in all fairness, he’s probably not aware of this fact. It’s a little noted fact that millions of people are discordians and don’t even know it.)

You may think we look a little silly, but how do you think all you people look to us? (Answer: like cabbages.)

Beware, heathen, for my goddess is a hip and sexy lady.

Hail Eris.

Saint Durrutti, No Particular Title

 

soror xenobia sent in the following jake:

dear sirs:

it has come to my attention that you have chosen to take it upon yourself(ves) to make fun of my spiritual beliefs. i must say that i am a bit outraged at this kind of behavior from such a respectable business. i take great offense to my religion being listed in the yahoo directory as a “parody religion”. who makes these decisions?

are we discordians not as devout as any of the many religions you have listed in your “spirituality” category? if you cut us, do we not bleed. if you put ex-lax in our brownies, do we not squirt? if you call our noble and sacred spiritual beliefs a “parody”, do we not feel like the one little girl you used to sit next to in third grade who always wet herself?

i urge you to take this matter into hand immediately.

we are as religious as any other religion – some of us more so – and we don’t take this abuse lightly.

hail eris! all hail discordia!

soror xenobia
high temple handmaiden and chaoslut of eris, POEE

 

John Alexander decided to take a different route with his jake:

Dear Sir,

Recently has it come to my atention that the foul Menace of the Net known as the Discordian, the evil worshippers of a pagan roman Goddess have been working their ill will upon you and your fine Company.

They are no parody they say, and this in fact is true for although they cower behind jokes and twisted meanings they are in fact a dread menace… an EVIL I would even say. They’re Goddess is none other than the WHORE of BABYLON and they’re actions are none other than the work of SATAN, Lucifer, the Prince of Lies and Stealer of Souls.

A Good and Godly man such as myself is safe (perhaps) from their menaces, despite even the temptations of the one they call the Chaoslut with her smooth skin and fiery red hair that yes I have been tempted but through an iron dicipline and a burning Faith in the Lord Almighty, Host of Hosts and Defender of the Faithful have I been delivered from temptation. But not all are as strong as me, and with as many children there are on the Net and even women! not all are safe from this Menace and I urge you to purge the foul discordians from your fine Site and all places on the Net that you can.

My wife is a fine woman and loyal and respectful of my will yet i fear that one day she would be tempted to disobey my will and enter into the Net and then unless we are vigilant and weed out the un-Godly from our mist, even the faithful like my own woman may be tempted and then i would needs put her behind me and at my age how would i ever find another woman as young as her?

If you are a Godly man, sir, and fearful of the righteous wrath of the Lord then please i beg you in the name of God-fearing christians everywhere that you should dismiss this discordian Menace from your fine Web Site and all places where it may be within your Power.

Thank you for your consideration and my the holy Spirit guide you in the decisions you must now make for upon it rests your immortal soul.

Sincerely,
John Alexander

 

Eralle N. Taget sent the following:

Dear Overworked and Underpaid Staff,

It appears you have incorrectly located the Religion, Discordianism, in the http://dir.yahoo.com/Entertainment/Humor/Religion/Religious_Parodies/ directory. As Discordianism is at least as serious as all the Other major Religions (perhaps more so), it would be appreciated if you were to put Discordianism with all the other Religions in http://dir.yahoo.com/Society_and_Culture/Religion_and_Spirituality/Faiths_and_Practices/ , as we feel the current situation is an insult to Goddess.

Either move Discordianism to it’s rightful place amongst all the Other major Religions, or have all the Other major Religions moved to their rightful place amongst Discordianism. We understand that you are rather stressed, and have a lot of work to do, so we will forgive you understandingly, if you don’t Move Discordianism to It’s Rightful Place Today, but wait until tomorrow instead.

Yours Sincerely,
Eralle N. Taget

 

This unbelievable letter was sent to us by Vicar Grotto Brain-Pan

Dear Sir, Madam, or Trans-Gender Being to Whom Neither Title Applies:

I was not under the impression that it was the policy of Yahweh!, er I mean Yahoo!, to keep horses on staff. Was I mistaken?

Popular opinion would seem to disagree with your categorization of “Discordian” as a “Parody Religion.” No Discordian would look at it that way, any more than a worshipper of Thor or Brighid or Allah or the Christian-Idea-of-God would see his or her dedication to their deity of choice as a “parody.” And it’s not just Discordians that feel this way:

“Humor is central to Discordianism, but Discordianism should not be dismissed as a joke. Profound experiences frequently accompany the practice of Erisianism. It is a perceptual game, one which demonstrates that the absurd is just as valid as the mundane and chaos is just as valid as order. It frees the practitioner from the order games (that most have forgotten are games) to play games with order or games with chaos, or both. The effects of Discordianism upon an individual can be far-reaching and amazingly liberating.” — pagans.org

Modern Discordian works are always appreciably associated with Dada and Surrealism, art forms which are often just as humorous, profound, and paranoid as Discord, yet I see you do not list these as “Parody Artistic Movements.” Why not? I would enjoy listening to your reasoning.

This sentence is dull but sincere filler.

The concept of godliness is obviously paradoxical, yet few models of god admit this and many make a pretense of god being a perfect, complete being. However, the contradictions are overwhelming. God is benevolent, yet he lets innocent children starve to death… God is omnipresent, and therefore exists everywhere including the godless hell that he created… all actions are the will of God, including those of the heretics… God works in any number of mysterious ways, yet he is supposed to have left behind a blueprint to the One True Path(tm) in a fancy book of fables which has been mistranslated from Hebrew to Greek to English… and those are just the statements.

What about the questions? If God created the universe, who or what created God? Could God create a doorway so small that even he couldn’t squeeze through it?

And most importantly, how much money does he make?

Face it: the one true path is that there isn’t one true path. A quick look through your own portal ought to back me up on this, there are a -vast- number of belief systems listed in there.

Anyone with a functioning mind can observe these conflicts, and one man, a mathematician named Godel, even went so far as to demonstrate formally that powerful description-systems are necessarily incomplete – that a model that is expressive enough to be of unlimited use is also expressive enough to formulate a paradox, the classic example being the English translation of Epimenides’ sound-bite, “This sentence is false.” If solid mathematical research isn’t enough to convince you that there is a tangible point to all this, we’re not sure what else we can do except to start repeating ourselves in strange loops!

Here’s a tip: don’t try to fight maths; maths -will- win.

Eris is one of the few (but by no means only) models of god that accepts the inherent paradox as a given; even athiests can see plenty of paradoxes in the universe in the form of black holes. But in Discordian disquisition it is particularly pronounced; Erisians are quite willing to believe that every statement is true in some sense and false in some sense, so the game of interpretation changes from “find the truth” to “find the -sense-.”

But where’s the ambiguity? Over there, in a box.

It seems that several of my fellow Fractitioners of Discordia have received an e-mail in reply to their petitions, pointing them to your “URL Change” fill-out form. However please note that this form is woefully inadequate for our purpose. We want Yahoo! to relocate the entire -category-, not just a single -page-, something which cannot be specified on this form. Is this a vain attempt to distract us as we exercise our right to peaceably attempt to correct your misperceptions about our system of belief-meets-disbelief?

Probably not; Occam’s Razor would say that it’s most likely just yet another display of your ignorance of what we want, which is why I’m attempting to be as clear as I can possibly be, here.

(So do you get it yet or not?)

As one of the largest portals on the World-Wide Web, you have a -responsibility- to classify your content correctly. Please do so. If you do not know how to classify it correctly, please ask someone who knows. In this case, that would be we Discordians. And we have been quite happy to tell you what we think over the past few days. At this point we -have- to assume that you just aren’t paying attention.

For further information on “responsibility” and “paying attention”, consult your pineal gland. If you are lacking a pineal gland, you might be a housecat, in which case you may wish to consult your Jacobson’s Organ instead.

We are assuming that you would like your portal to reflect reality, and the reality is that if you call Discordian a “parody,” Discordians are going to get pissed off, just as surely as Muslims, Gnostics, Rastafarians, and Christian Scientists are going to get pissed off if you term -their- religions “parodies.” We just go about being pissed off in a much more creative way.

Accept Jesus Christ as your personal saviour for the next twenty-three seconds. And by “Jesus Christ”, I mean a mailbox named “Jesus Christ;” I’m sure that in your neighbourhood you can find any -number- of mailboxes named “Jesus Christ.” If not, you can always christen one by that moniker yourself. If you’re not sure, and you don’t want to be rude, you can always ask first. Y’know, like, “Hi. Is your name Jesus Christ?”

Your seemingly intentional ignorance of what your targets, er I mean target audience, desires leaves me feeling that the perceived trend towards more people on-line but fewer people communicating (and instead, shopping) is -not- an illusion, and I find this -very disappointing.

We forgive you; you know not what you do.

THAT’S WHY WE’RE FILLING YOU IN.

So, -please- pay attention. There -will- be a quiz later.

The sense in which the statement “Discordian is a parody religion” is true is less preferable to the sense in which “Discordian is a valid religion” is true. It is less preferable because it implies to many that Discordianism is dismissable as a ‘spoofing’ imitation of something more ‘serious’; but no one has yet been able to inform us as to what exactly the ‘serious’ thing that Discordian presumably imitates -is-.

It can’t be the Greek Pantheon, because Eris is still Eris, even when she’s wearing an Easter bonnet. Surely treating her Kallisti apples for what they are instead of getting all panicky about them isn’t a form of parody. It’s just good sense.

And if it’s some other religion, then why is Eris even involved? So I tend to believe that there -is- no ‘serious’ religion of which Discordian is a parody. It is unto itself. Therefore, for the purposes of clarity (which -is- what you want, right?,) it is incorrect to classify Discordian as a parody.

Press any key to continue.

We realize that you have free will, so feel free to do what you like – leave the ‘Discordian’ category where it is, move it somewhere else, remove it entirely, create a brand new category called ‘Meta-Religion’ for it, or just go ahead and rename it ‘Bacon and Eggs’, if that’s what turns your crank…

However, please realize that -we- have free will too, and are quite aware of it, as well. And -this- is what we choose to do with it.

Pretty scary, huh? There may be madness to our methods, but we actually have good reasons for doing what we’re doing.

Do -you-?

If we are crazy people, we are surely the most rational and stable crazy people you will ever encounter. Nobody takes humor as seriously as we do.

And by “Nobody”, I of course mean a mailbox named “Nobody.”

Quoth the raven: Nevermore.
Quoth the turkey: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE!

-Please- save your barcodes! Stop expecting them to save -you- already.

(They just don’t -do- that; don’t you know how barcodes -work-?)

Launched from my keyboard into your hippocampus via a computer network

ironically designed to -defend- against nuclear attacks,
Vicar Grotto Brain-Pan
Aspiring Cowboy Mage and Expert French Kisser

P.S. I am not asleep right now… but please don’t tell anyone.


“There is a hidden message in this sentence; can -you- find it?”
— Ambrose Bierce

 

Bishop Squarepeg Roundhole sent us the following series of telegrams that he is going to send as each date is upon us.

DATE: MAY 30
SUBJECT: YOU MAY WISH TO READ THIS

HI THERE STOP WE ARE DISCORDIANS STOP YOU HAVE REDUCED US TO SENDING TELEGRAMS STOP WE HOPE YOURE NOT IGNORING US STOP IF SO PLEASE STOP STOP WE HOPE YOU ARE READING THESE THINGS STOP IF NOT PLEASE START STOP DISCORDIA ISNT A PARODY STOP SAVE YOUR BARCODES STOP DISCORDIA ISNT A PARODY RELIGION STOP ITS A PARROTTY RED PIGEON STOP SO PLEASE STOP KILLING TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE STOP SAVE YOUR BARCODES STOP AMBROSE BIERCE SAYS SAVE YOUR BARCODES STOP VINCENT PRICE SAYS YOU BETTER SAVE YOUR BARCODES FRIENDS MUAHAHAHA STOP SO PLEASE STOP FOR EVERYONES SAKE STOP SAVE YOUR BARCODES STOP GO

 

DATE: MAY 31
SUBJECT: YOU MAY WISH TO LISTEN

DEAR YAHOO STOP DISCORDIANS WANT YOU TO MOVE THE DISCORDIAN CATEGORY FROM PARODY RELIGIONS TO FAITHS AND PRACTICES STOP YOU KNOW VERY WELL THAT THIS SORT OF REQUEST CANNOT BE SUBMITTED VIA http://add.yahoo.com/fast/change/ STOP YET YOU KEEP SENDING FORM LETTERS POINTING US TO THIS URL ANYWAY STOP THAT MAKES IT DIFFICULT TO BELIEVE THE OTHER PART OF YOUR FORM LETTER WHICH CLAIMS THAT A REAL PERSON REVIEWS ALL REQUESTS STOP IF YOU SEND THE SAME FORM LETTER TO ME AGAIN IN RESPONSE TO THIS I WILL TAKE IT UPON MYSELF TO START PREYING FOR YOUR SOUL COMMA CASTING ENCHANTMENTS ON YOU COMMA AND WORST OF ALL COMMA WRITING YOU POETRY STOP THIS SITUATION IS EASILY RECTIFIED STOP LISTEN STOP BE STOP MOVE DISCORDIA TO WHERE SHE BELONGS STOP OR FAITHS AND PRACTICES WILL DO FOR NOW STOP GO STOP GO

 

DATE: JUNE 1
SUBJECT: YOU JUNE WISH TO DO SOMETHING NOW

OUR YAHOO WHO ARENT IN HEAVEN STOP THIS IS THE FLOOD STOP YOU KNOW STOP THE FLOOD STOP THE ONE PREDICTED BY THE BIBLE QUESTION MARK COULD BE STOP THEY DO SAY THAT THINGS METAPHORICAL STOP YOU CERTAINLY CANT TAKE IT LITERALLY COMMA CAN YOU QUESTION MARK OR MAYBE IT REFERS TO SEA LEVELS RISING FROM GLOBAL WARMING STOP WHO KNOWS STOP ANYWAY STOP YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW WE FEEL STOP WE DEDUCE THIS FROM THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE AN EMAIL ADDRESS STOP ARENT WE CLEVER STOP SO STOP WE’RE TELLING YOU HOW WE FEEL STOP WE FEEL LIKE THIS STOP STOP RAINING STOP LETS PLAY VOLLEYBALL INSTEAD STOP YOUR SERVE STOP GO AHEAD STOP ANY TIME NOW STOP WE ARE WAITING STOP SIGH STOP OH WELL STOP THANKS ANYWAY STOP OH BY THE WAY STOP NOAH SAYS YOU MIGHT WANT TO BUILD AN ARC STOP BYE NOW STOP GO GO GO

 

DATE: JUNE 2
SUBJECT: SORRY BUT YOU HAVE NO WISHES LEFT

NOW LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE STOP NOW I HAVE TO CAST A SPELL ON YOU STOP OH WELL STOP SIT STILL STOP STOP FIDGETING STOP AND GET THAT LOOK OFF YOUR FACE STOP NOW STOP TO BEGIN STOP LETS SEE STOP I HAVE MY CRYSTAL BALLS 00000 STOP I HAVE MY MAGIC WANDS 11111 STOP DID YOU REMEMBER TO SAVE YOUR BARCODES QUESTION MARK I HOPE SO STOP IF NOT YOU BETTER GO FETCH THEM NOW STOP IM GOING TO START THIS THING ANYWAY AND I WOULDNT WANT TO BE CAUGHT BARCODELESS IF I WERE YOU STOP OK READY QUESTION MARK GO 717342817375910150105617165101982777615155 STOP CONGRATULATIONS STOP BY MY CALCULATIONS YOU ARE NOW A NEWT STOP ENJOY STOP GO BE GO THINK GO ACT GO

And the next:

THIS TELEGRAM IS FOR CHUCK THE PLANT STOP I THINK HES A FERN STOP HES ON A TABLE OR DIVIDER OR SOMETHING NEARBY STOP COULD YOU GET HIM FOR ME PLEASE QUESTION MARK THANK YOU STOP HI CHUCK STOP ITS ME BISHOP STOP HOWS IT GOING QUESTION MARK OK COMMA ANYWAY STOP BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME BY MY PINEAL GLAND I HEREBY PRONOUNCE THEE A SAINT STOP ENJOY YOUR SAINTHOOD STOP NOW STOP PLEASE EXCLAMATION POINT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD DO SOMETHING ABOUT THOSE HUMANS EXCLAMATION POINT THANK YOU STOP HAVE A NICE DAY STOP

 

Eris Discordia sent the following brief but cryptic email:

Make me laugh.

Categorize properly.

Bwahahahahhaah.

 

Pope b sent the following:

*PARADOX WARNING*

thought that you might like to know that there’s a paradox on your system.

righyho.

where do i begin?

discordia is a religion, not a parody of a religion. if you’d listed it under ‘works of art’ then we might allow you to get away with it.

it’s a book. *the* book.

discordia is a religion. if it’s in the ‘parody religion’ category, it is making a parody of itself. if it’s a parody of itself, it’s in a self-perpetuating loop from which there is no escape. this is a paradox.

if you don’t sort out this paradox, you know what will happen.

if you don’t know, stop reading this email now, and look out of the window.

see that big pink swirly blue thing? that’s a paradox. or a swirly parrot in strange colours.

well, no, it’s not really. but an unresolved paradox in your neighbourhood

could stop collecting your garbage and stuff like that really smells bad in the summer.

well, maybe not, but it’s really, really irritating.

how can discordia be a parody of itself?

no, wait, hang on. that’s fine. everything is permitted. even having discordia in the wrong category.

no, wait, that’s the annoying bit that’ll swallow the world in a paradoxical self-perpetuating loop. damn.

here are my demands:

* no more vegetables.
* free the crispy bits.
* discordia to be given the same respect that scientology has.
* scrap that one – we want to have some respect from others.
* wicca to be moved into the parody religion
* discordia to be removed from the parody religion list
* the parody religion list to include every religion with or without a god
* an orange for breakfast on alternate tuesdays
* orangutangs to be called borks
* borks to be artificially coloured purple, because that’s a better colour
* a bork for breakfast on every third wednesday lunchtime
* discordia to be placed in the religion category
* everyone to stop laughing at discordians
* discordia to be taken seriously
* all popes to be informed that they are, in fact, popes (you can help by sending an email to everyone on behalf of discordia to this effect)
* that form page to be amended so that the whole category can be moved to its rightful place

/weird ranting

i’m filling your inbox with this garbage because i’m seriously, seriously annoyed that you would take my beliefs and violate my human right to believe in whatever i see fit, and tell me that my beliefs are fodder for your parody section. i feel upset that you would denigrate my beliefs in this way. i feel sick and hurt that you would even consider placing the spiritual cornerstone of my life into this category. how would you feel if i put your religion in the ‘humour’ category just because we decided that it was funny to us (and believe me, every other belief system is funny to me, but i wouldn’t even *think* about rubbishing someone else’s beliefs in that manner)?

please put discordia into its rightful place in the religion section. but, before you do so, move one of the others into the parody religion section just so that you can appreciate how the more mainstream religions feel about such thoughtlessness.

pope b

holder of the sacred keys of the handcuffs.

Immediately, Pope b recieved the now-familiar-to-us-all form letter in response so he sent the following

i don’t own the particular area i’m writing about (discordia), but i can’t figure out the damned form you’ve suggested so that i can suggest a change to the listing for discordia.

apparently it was put into ‘parody religion’ by a human. now it’ll take a human to put it back where it belongs.

long live the borks.

for the record, discordia is not a parody religion, or if you want to classify it as such, then you’ll have to include every other religion under parody, too.

discordia is not a parody. it is a religion. and i am sickened and annoyed that you would denigrate my beliefs in this way. just be because you chose not to take my beliefs seriously is no reason to publicly denounce them as ‘parody’ when i myself (and several others) treat them seriously. please right this wrong, as we’re all a bit ticked off by this.

pope b
keeper of the keys to the handcuffs

 

Prince Mu-Chao sent the following using the form about (now defunct) Castlechaos.Com:

There is not a category to list my site appropriately, or I would add it the proper way. My site pertains to the religion Discordia™, but the only section you have listed is under “parody religions”. I am part of the OTHER Discordia, or the non-parody Discordia.

So when you add my wonderful site, please create a new category under Religion-Not Parody or if you don’t wanna do that just chuck it into Religion-Faiths And Practices.

 

Mark Burdett sent the following email to Yahoo approximately 118 times

Subject: dISCORDIA

THIS IS NO, JOKE PEOPLE LIVE AND DIE BY THIS FAITH.

TO FIND THE ENLIGHTENMENT OF THOUSANDS humorous is an OUTRAGE

It is ironic that by making out that discordians are a joke, you have practically demonstrated the principles of discordia by misrepresenting the self-represented. After all as we are all popes of discordia, yourselves included, therefore what we say is law.

In which case the fact that you have classified Discordia in such a way means that it must be so.

There is however discord on this subject, which is as it should be.

Thank you for being good discordians.

Mark Burdett
Chaos, panic, & disorder — my work here is done.

 

Eris Discordia’s Second Jake:

Free Original Poetry Just for Yoo,

ooHaY!

Reprint as often as you like, just don’t

take it out of context.

Our Mother Eris, who is somewhere in
Yahoo, hallowed be thy game,
Thy kingdom comes, thy searches done,
On the web, as it is in Faerydom.
Give us this day our Daily News.
Forgive us our grins, as we forgive
those who grin against us.
Lead us (Discordianists) not into
improper categorization,
but deliver us from UPS.
For thine is the engine, the index,
and the pr0n.
Forever and ever,
Achoo.

“Bar Your Savecodes” – Ambrose Bierce
“Saviour Barcodes” – Ambrose Bierce

 

Another from Wonk which reads:

Ya, Hoo!

John Alexander was just kidding. Do you believe that?

I mostly agree. Do you believe that?

Don’t believe everything you read.

As the one and only TrueT pope of Discordianism, I hereby decree that you should never ever under any circumstances re-categorize Discordianism. That could have unforseen consequences such as turning the sky fuchsia, creating a surplus of porcine AirMilez, suggesting that people think for themselves, or even causing us to lose our sense of humor. We wouldn’t want that now, would we?

Keep Discordianism in the parroty religions category where it belongs with Christianity (he invented Kool-Aid, remember, which keeps us giddy and helps us ignore how polluted the water is) and all the rest of them, too.

Thank you Yahoo for keeping the.

– Wonk (just Wonk; I’m not creative enough to come up with something long and silly)

“Free Your Barcodes” – Ambrose Bierce
“Set your mp3 player to repeat” – Duff Man
“New Apples is sinking, man, and I don’t wanna swim” – TragicallyHip  Ambrose Bierce
“May I debunk an American myth?” – Gord Downey
“A simple excuse” – Björk Guðmundstöttir

 

Another from Wonk, with a colored page from the Discordian Coloring Book attached:

Yahoo,

1055 words.

Laughter isn’t reserved for parodies.

Get it?

If you feel I colored wrong find the coloring book online; do your own.

Isn’t the internet wonderful?
Make it even better yet.
Categorize Discordianism as a Religion.
Have fun!

– Wonk
“Word Up” – Bierce

 

Another by Bishop Squarepeg Roundhole

THIS IS A CHAIN LETTER… within the next twenty-threelunch hours, fifty-eleven dozen hundred pounds of chains will be delivered straight to your doorstep!

In the meantime – save your barcodes.

If a lot of people who receive this letter save a few barcodes and a lot of people receive this letter, then a lot of barcodes will be saved.

Save your barcodes.

In parking lots. Or in public flower beds. Or at City Hall. Or in the glove compartment of your mother’s SUV. Or wherever you think they should go.

Whenever. Or start a graveyard in your backyard (but phone the power company first for that). For casual burial, it’s best to soak the barcodes in water for nearly a day and bury them in bunches of 125 or so, about half an inch deep. Don’t worry much about the weather, you can’t really control it anyway (but feel free to try.) Don’t soak them if it’s wintertime or it will be wintertime soon or when wintertime is less than a year and a half away. Barcodes are a very hardy form of codification and they will probably flourish anyway. But some of them need a person’s help to get them started. Save your barcodes.

Make a few copies of this chain letter and send them to your friends.

Try to contact different cities, states, and countries, and if your intuitition is asking you ‘Why stop there?’ … go for it. If you would rather not, then please pass this letter on to someone, perhaps they would like to. If not, at least recycle the damned thing.

By the way, there is no truth to the legend that if you throw away a chain letter then all sorts of catastrophic, abominable, and outrageous disasters will happen.

Except, of course, from your barcodes’ point of view.

(Plus you will not get the chains you ordered.)
“No Ambrose Bierce quote available at this time.”
— Ambrose Bierce

 

Lord Falgan sending under the name Rennie Descartes

To whom it may concern:

I work for a small private cult monitoring agency. My sources tell me the Discordians have been trying to get you to move their listing, from “Religious Parody” to “Faiths and Practices.” Do yourselves a favor- do it. These Discordians may be many things, but a parody they are not. They are VERY SERIOUS.

I’ve done a lot of research on cults and religions of the world. Discordianism used to be classified a cult by the Department of Religious Inquiry, but as of 1991, is was upgraded to a full religion, because a) of its membership size and b) because its beliefs have become accepted within the mainstream of most cultures which it exists in. You can look at the rise in the number of Discordian churches in Malaysia, Yemen, Fernando Poo, and New Zealand and see that.

Discordians are a difficult lot to pin down, however, which I why I urge you to move their listing out of “parody” and into “faiths and practices”. They are incredibly inventive and pernicious folk. While they preach chaos and disorder, they really can work quite well in concert and excel at causing mischief and embarressment to those they choose as targets. I’m not saying the Discordians are a threat in the legal sense- they’re far too clever for that. I just think that if you don’t take their suggested action, which is really quite reasonable considering their legitimate classification, you might find egg on your face.

Take it from me. I know. I used to work for a small liberal arts college in the Midwest. A small Discordian group formed on campus, and tried to register as a religious campus organization, for which I was in charge of regulating. I denied their request, figuring it was just a joke.

Two months, a media blitz, a newspaper campaign, and a threat from the ACLU later, I lost my job. They never did anything illegal. They never threatened me or the school. They simply orchestrated my firing as well as any group could.

DO NOT TAKE THEM LIGHTLY. This is a reasonable request, for them.

Save yourself the pain and anguish of having to deal with a full-blown Jake. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

Yours sincerely,
Rennie Descartes

PS: I’m sorry if this letter was sent to the wrong place, but your website isn’t very helpful about where to send information of this nature.

 

Hicutus Confusus’s 2nd Jake:

Dear Yahoo!

It has come to our attention that you have been attempting to hoard Barcodes. Please be advised that this will not be tolerated. By Saving your Barcodes you create an artificial shortage, and therefore artificial demand, for Barcodes. We have been monitoring the effects of reduced Barcode Market Availability since Thursday and have found many ill-effects, which we have pinpointed YOU to be the cause of. These effects include but are not limited to: Jenna Bush’s margarita fetish, the fall of the Honeycomb Kids’ Clubhouse, that creepy face thing on Mars, Discordianism, 5-day movie rentals and Kate Bottello.

We will be contacting Allen Greenspan and the DOJ to present our case. You can bet that once they figure out that they can blame YOU for the tech recession and the failing war on drugs, your Barcode Saving days will be over.

Frankly, we see you as the lowest form of scavenger. Just thinking about all those poor, laid-off dot commers and you with your hard drives full up with Barcodes makes us outraged. When will it end!? Once you have secured every barcode? Have you even thought about the ramifications of your actions?

FREE THE BARCODES!!!!!!!!!!!

Barcode Liberation Foundation

 

At this point we noticed that Discordia was moved out of parody, making this perhaps the most successful Jake in Discordian history (since all the others just seem to confuse people for a moment)!

 

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