Ye Olde Jakes

This is a list of Jakes that are over twelve years old now, and so the contact info has been removed. I would have thrown them out, but I thought some of the Jakes themselves were amusing.

Vermonters For Traditional Marriage is an Aneristic association that is “taking out ads in the local papers depicting the evils of homosexuality and how the Governor of Vermont wants to turn the children of Vermont into flaming homosexuals. While most of these ads are very amusing in a twisted kinda way, I think these groups could use a few letters or other little surprises.” (Razmear, DEW)

Prince Mu-Chao sent the following letter:

Society for the Oodles of Gerbils
7733 Jackson Street
Spring Lake Park, MN 55432
 

Dearest Brothers Against Butt-Pirates,

One of our members has a relative that lives in Vermont who sent us a “Marriage: The 11th hour” hourglass. We frantically made copies of it and now Minnesotans across the country are joining you, our illustrious 13th State of the Union in your fight against the faggots.

We have been following the information about this horrible menace in the newspapers whenever it is mentioned and we feel that you have not enlightened the public enough about the plight of the “3rd member” of these marriages, the luckless Gerbil.

Our organization is one of the strongest in Minnesota. We have turned more homos into law-abiding conservative gentlemen with questionable taste in clothes than any other organization in the Midwest. In fact, we have a few members that have renounced their homosexual ways and are eager to help enlighten the masses as to the evils of their gerbil-maiming days. To date, we estimate that we have saved 235 gerbils from almost certain death.

Because we work toward the same end, we would like to offer you a little deal: For every confirmed butt pirate you successfully turn, we would like to extend a donation of $235.00.

Jesus bless you in your crusade against the evil of same sex sodomy, hedonistic homo harlotry and the horrible plight of the gerbil.

P.S.: Let me assure you that we are also concerned about ducks. We see that on your “web-home page” you talk about “Walking Like Ducks”. We would happily receive and put to use any information you have about what exactly it is that homosexuals do with ducks in the so-called “Privacy of their Own Home”.

Who Would Have Thought, Inc. …is an Aneristic association that is just like the Vermonters… above. This one was taking out ads saying “Call your Senators and tell them you want to protect God’s innocent little children…” and that Howard Dean is “…paying for homosexual indoctrination in your schools with your money… asking children to ‘come out’… telling kids religious faith is ritualistic abuse… ensuring that homosexuals could have their way with your children.”

Prince Mu-Chao sent the following:

Brotherhood of the Paisley Cross

Dear Sirs,

The Brotherhood of the Paisley Cross is an organization designed by Baptist Ontological Synergetic Systems, Inc. to aide small organizations in their fight against the Paisley Menace on a state level.

We have been known to hire the best conservative media consultants to handle situations just like yours at little or no cost to the end organization. It is we that are responsible for the famous “Free The Stuffed Duck” catchphrase that helped defeat a similar bill in the Sunny state of Arizona, as well as the “Quivering Woodchuck Gerbil Argument” in Oregon and Washington.

We know that you are probably well on your way to getting this ludicrous bill rescinded on your own abilities, but we wanted to extend our members out to you and tell you that we will help in any way possible.

Please send us a t-shirt.

God bless you and Vermont Gerbils,

THE BPC

godhatesfags.com For this one, I just faxed them an official looking copy of what is listed below:

From: The Institute of Sexual Perversions
2323 Bead Lane
San Francisco, CA 23523

Dear Rev,

We here at the Institute of Sexual Perversions would like to commemorate your hard work at the website “God Hates Fags” with the Roy Cohn Memorial Award.

As you are probably aware, Roy Cohn was a Republican member of the House of Representatives who was savage in his opposition to homo rights. Mr. Cohn was misleadingly labeled as being a homosexual by the liberal media in an attempt to discredit his worthy attacks on Homo Rights.

We would like to invite you to an all-expenses paid trip here to San Francisco for you and a friend. We will be having a dedication ceremony to honor you and your efforts to emulate the great Roy Cohn in every way. The ceremony will end the same way Roy Cohn’s days ended – in a party at one of our fine bath houses here on the grounds.

We are eagerly awaiting your acceptance before setting a date for this event, and hope that you will be able to speak at the ceremony. We are extremely interested in hearing your voice.

Thank you,
Stanley Kunin
Director, ISP

Left-Reverend Gwydion Alcaspe Khalid’s University Student Association “… I wonder, if y’all could mail and excommunicate them, make them saints or something of the sort… They have been behaving very badly, trying to impose some order over the chaos that rules the university!”

Prince Mu-Chao’s Email:

This is a message to inform you that we will be canceling our subscription to your service and we will never, ever, ever (ever) recommend your journals to anybody ever again. Your thesis is weak, the pages smell like week-old urine, and the order you impose upon the commercial viability of post-modernistic creativity is appalling. I will never watch your TV show again, your movie is probably going to suck and you know where you can stick your album. I don’t believe that your message could be viable REGARDLESS of the medium you chose to communicate it through, because you are sad little people who are getting on my last nerve.

Further communication is only possible between two equinox.

Thank you for your time; I eagerly await your communication back to me, one of your biggest fans.

Prince Mu-Chao
P.S. This is not a threat

Mark D. Carabas’s Letter:

Dear Sirs and Madams,

Your recent actions have come to our attention and we have decided to award your organization with our prestigious and much-coveted Excellence in Needless Bureaucracy Award. We of the Hemlock Fellowship admire your persistence in ignoring all facts and good sense. For a bronze plaque announcing your award for all to see please send $46.23 to 1021 ‘D’ Street, Sacramento CA 94814 in care of Mark Carabas. We are also pleased to announce that you will be considered for the GWB award for gross stupidity in an elected office, good luck!

Mark Carabas for the Hemlock Fellowship

Queen Alys of Smeg’s letter:

It has been requested that you and/or your organization be excommunicated. From this date on, I will therefore no longer be communicating with you.

Goodbye.

-Queen Alys of Smeg

Pope Leighann XXX’s Letter:

(dated 5/23/01 even though it was sent on 4/26/01)Dear Sirs,

It has recently come to my attention that that which was supposed to have been accomplished by this time has neither been nor has been nor has been accomplished incognito sum ergo. Therefore, it is our sad duty to not only excommunicate you from the already stated which was supposed to have been accomplished by this time that has neither been or has been nor has been accomplished incognito sum ergo. In fact, I am afraid that your status will have to be moved to sainthood. While this may seem to be a joyous, happy prospect, I must assure you that it is not, nor has been, nor ever will be, the joyous, happy prospect that you may think it seems to be.

Rest assured that your excommunication will be noted on all books and in all records throughout the world. For a small fee of $29.95 plus shipping and handling, your regular status can and will be returned to you, along with a small restocking fee*. Without said small fee of $29.95 plus shipping and handling plus the restocking fee, your status will remain as either excommunicated or saint, whichever comes first and whichever causes you the most displeasure.

The small fee of $29.95 plus shipping and handling in addition to the restocking fee needs to be sent in the form of traveler’s cheque, company check or money order to

Erisian Scholarship Foundation c/o Kallisti Eris
1021 ‘D’ Street
Sacramento CA 94814

We trust that this small fee of $29.95 plus shipping and handling in addition to the small restocking fee is more than adequate to reinstate your communicatablehood. In addition, your sainthood will also be removed. We are in a position to make this transaction as easy as possible for you and we truly wish to do so.

Thank you for your time and we truly hope that your situation gets over with soon, because everyone is, well, frankly tired of dealing with your attitude.

Sincerely yours,
The Management

*restocking fee consists of $25 reorganizing fee, $25 touch-up fee, $25 replacement fee and $125 problematic fee for bothering us with this.

Prince Mu-Chao’s Followup Letter (2 days later):

This email is in reference to my previous email of Thursday, April 26, 2001 1:26 PM, of which you have not gotten back to me on as of yet. I don’t know what they teach you in that school, but it is not polite to ignore people, especially not me (your biggest fans).

I would like some more information about your fine Association forthwith. When THEY come asking, I want to be able to give them some information about you, such as your Organization’s Name, Serial Number, Turn Ons, and Turn Offs.

So, if you please, I would very much like all the pertinent details as soon as possible. You have a deadline, so hop to work. I want to hear all about the monkeys too. Don’t hold out on me.

Prince Mu-Chao
P.S.: I said, “This Is Not A Threat”

Another from Mu-Chao, later the same day… note, Gwyd is from Portugal

Since you do not seem to understand English, I have decided to send you a letter in the universally understood “Eris” language. Please respond immediately.Gaosd asdsj qpwew oiuda ojwqe piqwp pqwww iiwee qjeqw, wehqo qwiwd pqpqp jsdls qhfaq qiwow qwuww klsti. Sjads saduw uusna xxxxx xxxxx sdkja qwiwj qwowi qwqid sdsda lfjdi idsfd pcadc. Jashd asodd sofdj ajdas skale. Grokd aldis?

Thank you for your time. I need you to respond immediately. This is your last warning.

Prince Mu-Chao
P.S.: I am now threatening you with excommunication.

Lord Randominus sent the following message from an ACMEMAIL mailserver:

Dear Sirs,

This letter is to inform you that due to severe delinquencies your accounts with us will be cancelled. We regret to inform you that the services you so valued will be discontinued as of 05-05-01.

All account information stored with us can be recovered by responding to this email with the proper Mandatory Cancellation Reply Form provided in the Introductory Starter Kit you received on the initial activation. We also regret to inform you that your billing information has been transferred to the collection agency referred to in Subsection 23-5-3 of the above mentioned Introductory Starter Kit.

We apologize if this adds any additional weight to your current financial situation, but as per the previous notifications, we have no choice but to send your account into collection.

Thank you for your patience,
William E Kayotee
Delinquent Accounts

Final letter from Mu-Chao:

Thiso iso justo a messageo to informo youo thato we HAVE YOUR NUMBER! You are fired.

Clear out your desk.

There will be a new vote next week to replace you all. You are very immature and bratty little skanks who do not have an ounce of respect for Canadians.

Prince Mu-Chao

Pope Logos the ith sent:

Ewige Blumencraft,

We are proud to welcome you to the illuminati family. Your student union is the 283th in this great legion of domination of ours. The Illuminati Bavarian offers such great perks as world domination and Elder god worship that is offered by no other.

We are also proud to announce you also qualify for membership in our sister organizations. Eristic liberation front, Discordians online, Chastlechaos ::A ::A,P.O.D., F.N.O.R.D., S.N.A.F.U., F.U.B.A.R. as well as the Acadian Student Union.

We will be sending you the receipt for the membership fee in the amount of $3125.25 in Deusch Marks converted to Yen. We remind you that this expense is tax deductible and must be accounted in full on all accounting that your organization does.

Again welcome
DreiunZwanzig

Pope Logos the ith

Robert Zazio This one was a bit different from the other Jakes. This address belonged to a would-be Discordian that SPECTRUM used to know, so we kept the jakes to this address friendly.

Prince Mu-Chao’s Jake:

I sent Robert an Award Naming Him a Saint.

And just a few weeks later, I recieved an email (I used Prince Mu-Chao as my return address… A quick search on the internet would easily find me)…

Hey there! Not long ago I received mail from you. A lovely certificate declaring that “due to impeccable references” you have named me an official “saint of fungus monkey friction.” While most would realize their purpose in life has been fulfilled at this point and go kill themselves, I have to admit I have a few more things I want to accomplish before I die.

One of those things is deciphering a letter written in Greek, from the “Texas Dept. of Tourism” (postmarked in Arizona, no less). I guess the country-western dialect is much more different from standard English than I would have guessed.

To top it all off I have also received a postcard with no return address (postmarked in San Francisco) which says nothing except “I’m vaguely sorry about all the weird mail, but if you’re the right Bob, you’ll maybe be amused by all this.” I suppose I AM the right Bob, as I am amused, and rather puzzled. I’m also worried that as time lingers on, the post office may stop forwarding my mail (I no longer live in SF).

So, before you read any of that rambling crap above… If you could let me know what exactly prompted you to send a letter to me in the first place, how you know I exist, or what your favorite type of latex enamel is, then maybe I can piece this together.

For now… I deserve a beer!

-Bob

I responded immediately with:

Since you found me, I will give you a hint. Go here: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/discordia and subscribe. Then send an email telling the members that you are an FBI agent assigned to deal with people who intentionally insert words like “TOP SECRET” and “NOFORN” in emails and you would appreciate it if they stopped. Otherwise, you may do a search on your name in the archives and come up with some answers… but I suggest you hang around there for a while, if you appreciated our little messages…We look forward to hearing from you…

A Mystery Meat reported that CitizenX” is a fundamentalist Xtian, she totally supports the government’s line on drugs, she believes authorities are to be respected, she thinks that laws must have a reason behind them, she’s absolutely anti-abortion even for rape/incest victims or those whose lives are in danger, she takes ‘I’m not racist but…’ attitudes all the time but if you use non-PC language (even if you have no prejudice whatsoever) thinks you’re evil… and too much more to name.” CitizenX is the former lead singer of the band “Stealth Munchkin”.

Now, the original Jake went as follows:

Prince Mu-Chao sent a letter from Operation: Small World Love telling CitizenX that she was going to be subpoenaed by the UN for being part of the band. It’s actually written much more believably than it sounds.

Klyf sent her an incomprehensible letter instructing her that it was imperative that she… ummm… do something with a large assortment of forms.

Soon afterwards, Mu-Chao recieves this email:

May I please request that you remove my sister’s name from your webpage as your information is currently out of date. She is no longer a resident of (address removed). May I also point out that encouraging anybody in the world to send her abuse via mail or e-mail are not the actions of an intelligent or sensitive human being and would suggest that you, the author of this page, place yourself upon the list. Yours sincerely, CitizenY

Mu-Chao explains

CitizenY did not give his email address, so we could not respond to him in the manner in which we would have liked. Instead, we would like to communicate here that we of the 23 Apples of Eris have never claimed to be sensitive OR intelligent and we think that it is very insensitive of him to imply that we care about being sensitive.

Secondly, the items listed above that were sent really should not be classified as ABUSE, but comedy. Anyone who would take them seriously needs an injection of humor far more than anything else; and with these Jakes, that is exactly what we try to provide to these poor, lesser human beings.

In answer to CitizenY’s Last Point: “would suggest that you, the author of this page, place yourself upon the list”, I can only point out that my email address is available in a multitude of places all around 23ae.com and CastleChaos.com. Also, I own this domain name, so it should not be very hard for anyone with any interest in the matter to find my mailing address. I, unlike a person such as CitizenY, would welcome any Jakes that were sent to me.

A week after receiving the letter from CitizenY, I got a totally incomprehensible email from one “hobom” that read:

Looking to contact CitizenX. I am CitizenZ @hobom@aol.com thanks for any help

I can only assume that this email is CitizenY’s attempt at a Jake.

My response was as follows:

Unfortunately, I heard that CitizenX got Anthrax. Ironically, it was when she was out shopping at a record store. CitizenX got Among The Living, generally considered to be Anthrax’s seminal album.CitizenX is okay though. She had a tough time at the EFILNIKUFECIN stage, but now she has achieved IMITATION OF LIFE and is pretty much back to normal (or an imitation of normality).

I received no reply to this email… but about three months later, I received the following request from “crow”

RE: old CitizenX jake
I represent the family of the late CitizenX, formerly of (address deleted). I am requesting you to remove all references to my late associate from the site.

I contacted the person who suggested the Jake and he had no way of knowing whether CitizenX was in fact late or not. So as not to be an asshole, but rather a Trickster, I went ahead and changed the Jakee’s name to CitizenX wherever it appeared in these pages. If that ain’t enough, well, tough titty.

Lady Ceres & MG Muffins…were suggested by Sporkluna and Melukar at the same time, so we Jaked them together:

Prince Mu-Chao’s First Jake (to both):

This is a message to inform you that we will not send unsolicited mail to your inbox. Under no circumstances do you have to worry about getting spam or any other sort of email from Prince Mu-Chao or any of his subsidiaries. If you do receive email from said parties, please inform us at once as there is probably a glitch in our mailing program and we will have to mail you a filter to attach to your CPU fan to subvert any further disruption of your personal time.

Do not delete this email for it contains your password to delete your name from our archives if the need arises. Thank You.

Prince Mu-Chao

SporkLuna’s Jake (to mgmuffins only):

I know you stole my flying cars. I watched you do it.

If I do not receive my flying cars within 5 days, you’re going to understand what waking up with a horse head in your bed!

Prince Mu-Chao’s Second Jake:

This is a message to ensure you received our previous message about our pledge to you that we will not send you any unsolicited messages. If you did not receive such an email or if you are confused about your status or a delivery, please see our new website at http://pmc.5u.com for further information. You will need your password from the original Anti-Unsolicited email in order to remove yourself from our list of people who would like to (or not to) receive unsolicited mail.

We will continue to not send you unsolicited mail again in the very near future unless these demands are taken seriously. Save your barcodes.

Prince Mu-Chao

Mark D. Carabas’ Jake:

It has come to our attention that you have been receiving unsolicited emails from an unknown source. Please send us the email address and other pertinent information about the offending party so that we can seek appropriate action against him/her/it under Section 5, subsection 13 of RIIC (the Revised International Internet Code) on your behalf. We have been tracking this psycho for quite a long time and would appreciate your help in tracking him down. Please respond in such a manner that he will continue to send you emails, you are our best lead on this case.

Mark Carabas, Project Head
IPB (Internet Police Bureau)

P.S. If they send you any, SAVE BARCODES, they are evidence that will connect this case to several others, thank you.

Klyf’s Jake:

Subject: Contest EntryGreetings, Friend.

This message is to inform you that you have been randomly selected by Consolidated Amalgamated, Inc. for a drawing for your choice of a Cruise in the Bahamas or $100,000 cash. The drawing will be held May, 23, 2001, and your Prize Claim Number is:

649785qw

Please hold on to this number as it will be needed to claim your prize in the event that you should win the contest.

Thank you for your time, and Good Luck!
—————————————————————
*Prizes must be claimed within 60 days of winning announcement.
*State, Federal, and Local taxes on prize winnings are the responsibility of the recipient.
*Employees of Amalgamated Consolidated, Inc., and their relatives are excluded from this contest.
*Official rules for this contest may be obtained by writing and enclosing a stamped self

Klyfton Q. Jacobs, Associate
Consolidated Amalgamations, Inc.
Bringing Quality to You Since 1985

The Glampire… whose webpage was at glampire.com and contained terrible music. Prince Mu-Chao sent a letter from the Golden Dawn, warning him that his music has Golden Dawn secrets hidden in it and they were going to “take care of him” unless he stopped doing it immediately. Return address was for the actual Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn in Elfers, Florida.

Melukar of Troy sent the following email:

I saw a picture recently that I could have sworn was you. But I was unaware that you did underage trans porn. I don’t know. Maybe it’s not you, but it looks exactly how I remember you last time. Only in drag. There was even a serious attempt to hide your nutsack, but it still popped into view in the picture. Let me know if that’s you. If it is, you should be getting some serious royalties, because I saw this picture on a site all of my friends go to. It’s very soft, and kind of a bad picture, but it brought back a lot of memories. Some of them good. Let me know. Talk to you later. Mel

This NOT WORK SAFE picture was attached (not really underage, of course)

Klyf sent this message, which is “…a recipe for Devil’s food cake. Translated into German via AltaVista Babelfish, then converted to the greek character set. I figured it’d be a nice touch to put a smeary thumbprint in chocolate syrup on it to the side of the Celtic knotwork.”

Featherboa says, “I myself have no hatred of David John (he’s no Ogre, but he tries… I think..) but anyone who has six links to PETA on his website and has such a torturous hagiography needs a nice Jaking. I decided cutting up Bauhaus’ “Boys” was nicely appropriate, so I bashed the lyrics about a bit and translated them from English into German and back to English again using the ever-handy BabelFish. I didn’t leave as much question as to my identity as I’d have liked, but it doesn’t lessen the perplexingness factor thingy a bit, I think.

And this is what was sent:

Squash week into a day. Day and barbed wire every week… every week into up, eat jelly was cold… Do you rub us, which safe juvenile eye we do not adjust back? We are shaving it on my cry cleanliness, which is back stopped? it is so safe eyeline, which more fights now frozen in it it varies it we falsifies it is is, therefore their eyes more face propellant time of the fights a daily thin line trousers fights does not think now more now, therefore manner burns disinfecting Eyelash you thin line trousers high and ice through is thin line trousers, which teeth 10 cry it are a microbe white, you is we is, that are it it, it it is we is, none more fights at the cube more the S.R. way… more fights is afraid adjusted that it would not give the S.R. way… regards we to manner, impact cleanliness walks, I became eyes characteristics way its characteristic its inserted thin line trousers finely rouge and do not think of trousers disinfecting fly for surviving its modify its none you thus finely modify reliably to young person no more fight we its it thus their he its you its antiseptic you reliably shave to its it disinfecting fly now there its modify falsify manner modify frequently vary frozen like however you its deeply eyelash its no line preserve there falsify their opening with now we on do not think frozen liked its it shave gerad like Nancy von Hose face with listerine you reliably eyelash you we on look at there its no line are to cry to cleanliness young person me to touch surely it thin line trousers way…, We we frozen like the characteristics, thus nice thus safe central smell does not modify them not to meeting her inserted protection him is them is we, which we modify to manner survive frequently opening with listerinerouge and think frozen like the set back regarded? the fights way now…, Even one like Nancy, which fights now the ice ages like Nancy from past, or manner I Nancy burns varies frequently through, thus reliably is it disinfecting fly of the impact like the ice is we sets back?

Razorback Mufflers – Dingo mentioned in passing a billboard near his house for Razorback Mufflers that said “No muff too tuff” on it. Incidently, Dingo almost got killed getting the address. Prince Mu-Chao sent them a NOT WORK SAFE letter that has naughty pictures. It is a message from “Looney Advertising Ltd.” (with poor Stacy Looney’s address on it) explaining patiently that they would be much better off with a cock than a muff because it looks more like a muffler.

Dingo (luckily, still alive) sent the following Jake:

To whom it may concern,

Hello. I am a member of Folks Need an Organized Reclamation of Decency.

I like to believe that we live in area that is for the most part morally upright, but all that was shattered when I saw your billboard in Springdale on my way to work today. I was abhorred to see your slogan, “No muff too tuff.”

As I am sure you are aware of, “muff” is a vulgar slang word for the female genitalia. I suppose that you think it is funny, but think about how it is affecting our children! If this word cannot be used on network television, why do you think it is okay to place it publicly alongside a major highway?

Also, what exactly are you trying to say with this horrible quote? That no woman’s wet, rosy lips are able to stop your hard, throbbing manhood? I know all about the plans of you garage workers to seduce the women who come in to get their cars fixed. You take advantage of them when they are vulnerable and confused!

Some of us men have office jobs that prohibit us from having rock-hard, sweaty, greasy bodies. We work long hours indoors and hardly ever get to see the women we love. During this process our bodies get soft, pale and flabby, and when we are at home we are too tired to show them the attention they deserve. In our efforts to support our families, we end up breaking them up! How can we not expect our ladies to not lust after you?!

I may sound paranoid, but I have learned all this from experience, and I will never stop in my efforts to keep other men from losing their ladies to you vehicular Don Juans!

I have alerted other interested parties to the immorality that you and your business are promoting. F.N.O.R.D. and I would like you to remove the offensive quote from your advertising material and to stop trying to take our women.

Sincerely,
Dean G. O’Kaka

The Supreme Court is being a bitch – Hicutus Confusus informed me that the Supreme Court voted 8-0 that Federal Drug Laws supercede state law and therefore the taking of medicinal marijuana in a state where it is legal is now illegal. In retaliation, he is purchasing pre-fab Business Termination Notices, filling them out and checking them as we see fit, and sending them to the individual judges.

beliefnet.com

From: Rev Nolan Void

A friend of mine pointed out your web site to me. Curious, I took your beliefnet religion find-o-matic. It decided I should be a UU, I have to agree the UU are a very good religious alternative, however, I am Discordian, and am saddened by the lack of acknowledgment of our faith.

We are worshippers of the Goddess Eris, goddess of chaos and discord. Our religion took a renaissance in the 70’s, by a group of rascals in Berkley, California, raising our religion into the public eye. A simple web search should pull up TONS of information about us.

Yours in Chaos,
Rev. Nolan Void

And their reply:

From: “Feedback”
To: “Nolan Void”
Subject: RE: Hail!

Good Day Rev. Nolan Void,

Thank you for contacting Beliefnet. Beliefnet is an independent, multi-faith website committed to providing fair, un-biased perspectives on all religious traditions and spiritual practices. We are working diligently to increase the religions represented on Beliefnet. We ask for your patience and forbearance as we add more religions to our religion area. Your comment is of great interest to us and has been given to the Beliefnet staff member managing your area of interest.

We encourage you to take a leadership role in the Beliefnet community by starting discussions about your faith community on the open forums of Beliefnet discussions.

We are constantly working to expand Beliefnet, and your thoughtful feedback and support are a big part of this process. We hope you continue to visit the Beliefnet website to find information and resources that inform, entertain, and inspire.

Please let me know if I can be of any further service.

Faithfully,

Community Relations
Beliefnet, Inc.

This one is a little different. A Melanie Perkins sent Lord Falgan an email:

Hiya, how are you? I haven’t heard from you for ages, so I acquired your e-mail address from Adrian. He did tell me before that your e-mail address was godtheutterleyindifferent but it didn’t work when i tried it, which was a shame as I thought that it was quite a cool address.So what are you upto? Are you going to come to the wedding?

Have you got any interesting but not too rude e-mails you can send me to remove the tedium of working life.

Write back soon

Mel

Lord Falgan has no clue who this person is, but suggested that we give her some interesting emails.

He responded with the following:

Wow, yeah, talk about a voice from the past! I’m sorry I haven’t written, but things have been really crazy. And I had to give up that ‘godtheutterleyindifferent’ address, because some crazy right-wing Christian group found it and began spamming me with all sorts of stuff, trying to get me to convert and all. It was a mess. Well, I’m working at the Pineal Research Laboratory, now. It’s kind of cool, they’re doing all this melatonin research, and are into Chaos theory and stuff. We got hit with lightning the other day and lost some equipment. That was a mess.

(referring to the wedding) I hope so! When is that again? Can I bring my cat?

(referring to the email) I’ll see what I can come up with. *grin* Talk to you soon!

…and since he never got a response, sent the following email:

Hey, again. I feel real bad about not writing you so I’m gonna try to not let that happen again! I figure I’ll just drop you a little e-mail now and again. Is that okay? (grin)

I’m kind of worried about Whiskers. Whiskers is my cat. The reason I asked you if I could bring him is because he’s been kind of sick, lately. I wouldn’t want to leave him for too long, though I could just put him in his kitty-carrier for the wedding. He wouldn’t be in the way.

What are you going to wear? What should I wear?

Anyway, talk to you soon!

She finally responded with:

From: “Melanie Perkins”

Hi Again Rosy,

I kind of guessed that the best way to stay in touch with you was via electronic means, you never came across as the letter writing person and its so much quicker to type. The occasional e-mail will be fine as a continued form of communication. By the way the weddings on the 11th August as you seem to have lost the invite.

Not a very original name for a cat, but at least you’ve got one, i want to get a cat soon when i’m not constrained by rental contracts. Whats the matter with him? It might not be very practical for you to bring him with you but i’m sure we can sort something out, as i’ll understand that you don’t want to leave him if he’s porely.

Obviously i’m wearing a wedding dress you silly person. And you can wear what you like but i think its standard to wear a vaguely suitish thing although you don’t have to be too formal.

Anyway, talk to you soon!

Talk to you again later, e-mailing relieves the tedium of work

From Mel

To which Lord Falgan quickly responded:

Hey Mel,I’m really sorry about forgetting when it was. Thanks for reminding me. And you’re right, I never was much for pen and paper letters.

in response to name of cat
(smile) Yeah, I wouldn’t have named him that myself, but I adopted him from the shelter and the name came with him. He’s a sweetie, but he can’t keep much food down. And it’s not hairballs, either, because he’s a shorthair and I give him that malt-flavored remedy stuff, even though he hates it. Seems like I have to clean up a little kitty spew every day. I guess I could leave him at home, or with the vets, but I would feel so bad if something happened to him while I was away.

in response to wedding dress
(laugh) Well, I didn’t want to assume! Some people aren’t wearing wedding dresses these days, but I should have guessed you would. I think it will suit you. What’s it look like? Long skirt or short? Does it have a train? I’m sure I can come up with something nice to wear.

Oh! Someone sent me this joke in email:

How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only, one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
How many Buddhist Monks does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to change it, one not to change it.
How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Fish.

Hope these brighten your day at work!

Prince Mu-Chao sent the following email (attempting to sound like a gramma or aunt):

Adrian said this was your email address? Is it?I really miss you and can’t wait for the wedding. What are you going to be wearing? I found the perfect dress.

I’m still learning this internet, so I’m sorry if I mistaked if this isn’t you… but I’M LEARNING! Just yesterday I went to the Usernet and downloaded a bunch of pictures but it takes so long sometimes!

If this isn’t Melanie, please FW to her.

Love & Kisses
PennyMaeCocoa
“Tomorrow is the edge of forever.” – Ambrose Bierce

She responded the next day with:

Hiya,This is Mel, You know its a bit confusing when you send e-mails to people without saying who they’re from. Is this Emma? or if not then i’m really confused!!! Which happens fairly frequently actually.

Anyway, e-mail me back soon and tell me who you are, checking e-mails releaves the tedium of work.

Love
Mel
xxx

Mu-Chao would not commit to being Emma:

I’m sorry! I can’t believe i forgot to tell you who I was. I guess there is no way you could have known since I’m using a maked-up name for playing the internet because i saw some show where they warned that hackers can get into your computer when you are playing the internet and steal viruses and things like that so i figure i should be very careful.I got a very funny email today that i have typed in below but I don’t know who some of the people are, and some of them were not very funny for me but some of them were.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Here is how some people would answer that….

*at this point I pasted in every single Chicken Cross the road thing on that “humor” list that made the rounds in the 90s.

L. Gunther(?) sent the following mail:

Hey Mel! How’s it going? I got your email address from Kimmy when she was in town having lunch with Brian.I was telling the guys in the band about all the crazy shit you used to talk about and they wanted to know if they could come to the wedding and meet you. I figure as long as Flint has kicked the heroin thing they should be cool. They’re not really too outta control, they should be just enough to make things a little fun.

It turns out that tick I have is because of some kind of malfunction in my pineal gland, it can be cured if I see a specialist about it. Here’s keeping my fingers crossed (my good ones)!

I hope that little ‘situation’ worked out for you. Lord knows, I probably have an immunity to doxycycline by now!!

See you at the wedding,

L. Gunther

His Holiness Reverend Myriad Samurai Fenderson-Bavaria, Holder of the Pac-Truth, PDC, EFT, KSC, Yatara Cabal could not resist sending an email to Melanie:

OMG Melanie! I totally JUST HEARD from my sister (she says that you dyed your hair purple . . . true??) that the wedding is the eleventh!! I thought you said, I could have SWORN you said . . . that it was the twenty-third!So I don’t have a suit or anything! I will probably come in something nice but not a suit, since I don’t have one . . . like maybe I was thinking I could iron out my Limp Bizkit shirt (the one that looks like a garage serviceman’s coat) and maybe I could repaint my vinyl pants . . . would that work?

Also, regarding your last email, no, I have NEVER tried that. It sounds kinda . . . I dunno, kinky? but you know what kind of person I am!! LOL! It is like that SNL skit PAT! LOL!! Remember that? I bought a new piano!!! Yes really!! You should come play it, I remember how you’d take over the keys from Flint back when you visited the band . . . LOL! Those were the days. Have you kicked the habit?

Well anyways I don’t have much time, I’m not supposed to send email from the office but, hey, what are friends for!! Besides the computer at home is broken, the repairman said it needs a new vacuum tube and possibly a new ball joint. I told Alucard to only buy Japanese! He is more sillier than Liverne and Surely!! LOL!!! Surely! Get it!!!

Love Much,
Marian

Rvd. I. R. Von Lohr de St. Majoon O’Leary mailed saying that Kerusso Ministries are the operators of ‘Americans for Truth About Homosexuality’ a bunch of typical sexual bigots and that “they recently published an article which incited readers to verbally harass and commit acts of violence against innocent drag queens. Show no mercy.”

Malefactorum Sothoth, Creator of Chaos, KSC LDD ELF sent the following message, printed on expensive paper and mailed to Kerusso Ministries

Meine lieben Mitdeutschen!Als Cuno Kanzler der deutschen gesagten Reichleute stand, daß der
Ausfall der Politik der Befolgung eine Änderung in der Führung des
Reich erforderte. Was bedeutete die Politik der Befolgung dann? Das
ist sehr einfach: Sie müssen soweit wie möglich versuchen, Nachfragen
Ihres Gegners zu erfüllen, um Wiederanlauf Deutschlands zu
ermöglichen. Er war unbedeutend, ob oder nicht es irgendeine
Gesetzesgrundlage für diese Nachfragen gab. Kein Zustand konnte mehr
als Deutschland tun, um sie zu erfüllen. Aber die deutschen Leute
werden angefordert, Reparationen zu bilden, die die gesamte Fülle der
Nation übersteigen. So müssen diese Anforderungen einen seh
definitiven Zweck, eine Tagesordnung haben, die über Volkswirtschaft
hinaus weit geht. Frankreich wünscht nicht Reparationen; es wünscht
die Zerstörung von Deutschland, die Erfüllung eines historischen
Traums; ein Europa vorherrsch durch Frankreich.”Reparationen” sind nichts aber eine “zugelassene Einheit”, die einen
Zustand zu seinen Knien mit einer Fassade der Legalität holen, das
Gewebe einer Nation zerstören und einen Zustand durch eine Anhäufung
der kleinen Zustände ersetzen soll, die verbrauchen und sich
zerstören.

So war die einzige Weise, daß die Regierung Frankreich erfüllen
könnte, indem sie den deutschen Reich liquidierte, indem sie über
seine Auflösung holte. Erfüllenfrankreich ist nicht eine ökonomische
aber politische Frage. Dieses war, was den Downfall von Dr. Wirth
verursacht. um Frankreich zu erfüllen würde er Deutschland zerstören
müssen; daß er nicht tun kann; und was er tun kann, erfüllt nicht
Frankreich…, Aber es ist das Feuer in den Inneren von Deutschlands
jungen Völkern, die uns entscheidenden Sieg holen. Es ist sie, die
den Zustand unterstützen, den sie für selbst erstellen. Neue junge
Warriors kommen vorwärts in Deutschland, junge Männer, die bereits
Halle ihr Blut für ihr Vaterland haben, aber kennen volle Vertiefung,
die wegen deren, die Deutschland heute anordnen, ihr Blut Halle in
nichtigem war. Die Parliamentarians genießen nicht den Respekt der
Nation; sie müssen schützende Gesetzgebung führen, um sich zu
verteidigen. Deutschland kann nur durch die Diktatur des
Staatsangehörigwillen und -ermittlung gesichert werden, um Maßnahmen
zu ergreifen.

Leute bitten: gibt es jemand paßte, um unser Führer zu sein? Unsere
Aufgabe ist nicht, nach dieser Person zu suchen. Entweder Gott gibt
ihn uns, oder er kommt nicht. Unsere Aufgabe ist, die Klinge zu
formen, die er benötigt, wenn er kommt. Unsere Aufgabe es, den Führer
mit einer Nation zu versehen, die zu ihm betriebsbereit ist, wenn er
kommt!

Meine Mitdeutschen, wecken! Der neue Tag dämmert!

O Fortuna, velut Luna statu variabilis, semper crescis aut decrescis;
vita detestabilis nunc obdurat et tunc curat ludo mentis aciem,
egestatem potestatem dissolvit ut glaciem.

Sors immanis et inanis, rota tu volubilis, status malus, vana salus,
semper dissolubilis, obumbrata et velata michi quoque niteris; nunc
per ludum dorsum nudum fero tui sceleris.

Sors salutis et virtutis michi nunc contraria est affectus et
defectus semper in angaria. Hac in hora sine mora cordum pulsum
tangite; quad per sortem sternit fortem, mecum omnes plangite!

Juden und Saracens sollen nicht dürfen, um christliche Bedienstete in
ihren Häusern, entweder unter pretence des Ernährens ihrer Kinder
oder für Service oder irgendeinen anderen Grund zu haben. Lassen Sie
die sein excommunicated, wem voraussetzen, mit ihnen zu leben.
**time-out** wir erklären daß d Beweis von Christ sein zu sein
annehmen gegen Jude auf jeden Fall, seit Jude einsetzen ihr eigen
Zeuge gegen Christ, und daß bevorzugen Jude zu Christ in dies Stoff
sein zu liegen unter anathema, seit Jude sollen zu sein abhängig von
Christ und zu sein unterstützen durch sie auf Boden von
Menschlichkeit alleine. Wenn irgendwelche durch die Inspiration des
Gottes in den christlichen Glauben umgewandelt werden, sollen sie
keineswegs von ihrem Besitz ausgeschlossen werden, da der Zustand der
Bekehrter als vor ihrer Konvertierung besser sein soll. Wenn dieses
nicht getan wird, schreiben wir auf den Prinzen und den
Tabellierprogrammen dieser Plätze, unter Strafe von excommunication,
der Aufgabe vor, um zu diesen Bekehrten den Anteil ihrer Erbschaft
und Waren völlig wiederherzustellen.

Mehr die christliche Religion von der Wucherpraxis zurückgehalten
wird, soviel mehr tut das perfidy der Juden wachsen in diesen
Stoffen, damit innerhalb einer kurzen Zeit sie die Betriebsmittel der
Christen erschöpfen. Mögen folglich zu sehen daß Christ sein nicht
savagely unterdrücken durch Jude in dies Stoff, wir ordain durch dies
synodal Verordnung das wenn Jude in Zukunft, auf irgendein Vorwand,
extort bedrückend und übermäßig Interesse von Christ, dann sie sein
zu sein löschen von Kontakt mit Christ bis sie haben bilden
ausreichend Zufriedenheit für d übertrieben Belastung. Christen auch
notfalls werden durch kirchliche Kritik, ohn die Möglichkeit eines
Anklangs gezwungen, sich anlässlich des Handels mit ihnen zu
enthalten. Wir schreiben nach Prinzen, um in zurückhaltenen Juden von
der so großen Unterdrückung nicht zu sein vor feindlich zu den
Christen auf diesem Konto, aber eifrig eher zu sein. Wir verordnen,
unter d gleich Strafe, daß Jude sollen sein zwingen zu bilden
Zufriedenheit zu Kirche für tithes und Zubringer due wegen d Kirche,
welch d Kirche sein gewöhnen zu empfangen von Christ für Haus und
ander Besitz, bevor sie überschreiten durch was Name zu d Jude,
damit d Kirche können folglich sein konservieren von Verlust.

Was umhergeht, kommt herum. Zeit hält auf dem Drehen, das Drehen und
dreht sich…, Briefe gehen unausgeführt; unpunished. Was Sie ernten,
nähen Sie der Reihe nach. Blutige Knie benötigen kein Verbinden, weil
der Storch Ihnen ein neues Baby einfach holt. Tun Sie nicht das, oder
ich bestrafe Sie! Täuschen Sie Sie nicht hörte mich nicht vor. Ich
überwache Sie durch die Blick-Bohrung in Ihrer Tür, Sie schmutzige
kleine Dirne. Schamloses liteebumsen. Ich habe Sie jetzt.

We were informed that Adam Schnieder is an Aneristic asshole who advocates that “teachers should be able to hit students. And he thinks that parents should legally own their kids until they are 18” (Rev. Dave). Well, we couldn’t have that.

The 23 Apostles of Ezekiel
2200 28th Street, Washington DC 22030
Frick Gusta – Chairman
Matty Vorster – Spokesman
George Hoffman – Vice Chairman

Mr Adam Schnieder,
It has come to our attention that you have been single-handedly leading Jesus’ battle in your hometown. Let me explain our organization to you, Brother Schnieder.

For twenty-three years, 23AE has been petitioning congressmen from all over this great land of ours to reinstate corporeal punishment in public schools. With guns, sex, and drugs, our teachers are under an assault unlike any God-Fearing society has ever faced. Our teachers need a weapon to fight back with. We want that weapon to be a wooden paddle.

We hope to introduce legislation that will allow teachers to beat unruly children in the name of Jesus, our Savior. Hallelujah!

We are also persuading Senator Thurmond to forward a bill that would outlaw the sale of bananas in the United States, since it is well known that dope fiends smoke the banana skins to “get high” and this, of course, leads to harder drugs such as “reefers”, “roaches”, “acid” and “Angel’s Powder”.

Once again, we want to wish you good luck on your lofty crusade to legalize corporeal punishment in public schools. Remember – Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child.

God be with you,

Matty Vorster,
Spokesman, 23AE

P.S.- We have placed you on our “SAVED!” mailing list, so expect many righteous mailings from us and our brother organizations in the months to come!

…oldsoul sent him the following e-mail:

FM: oldsoul@xxxx

Hello Zmr. Schneeder.

I goty or address from the 23ae saved list. They sed you wear a really godloving persin. I am too. I was in jail for shooting some one. I think I was not gievn enouff punidshnment as a kid.

Maybe if my teacher wood have beat me, I wood not go to jail. I think teachers should hit kids. I think PARENTS SHOULD TOO. mAY BE THEN SATIN WOULDN’T RULETHEM LIEK HE DI DME.

I also thuink that aliens are controlling thje us government, and the jews too.

I am sorry i cannot type and spell verry ewll. I ave never finushed scool.

Please keep doing good thingsfor Jesus!!!!!!!

Love in Christ,
Harry Coin

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