The Sayings Gospel of Eris

An Invisible Something originally posted just the first item below and the responses were all in the comments before the site crashed in 2005. What follows was picked carefully out of the ruins

An Invisible Something
1. Eris said, “A monkey can piss in his own mouth without the other monkeys thinking any less of him.”

Prince Mu-Chao
2. But, yeah, if he drinkith from the yellowish font instead of spitith it out, thou shall know at once that he is an incurable loony.

3. When a monkey has been thus loonified, thou may takist its teeth in one hand and its brains in another and declare a game of Cook-Note Fiberglass. In her glory.

Mostly Holy Foebea
4. So Sayeth the Fnord. A Whoa Man.

6. And it was so written forever more in the Book of Unemployed.

7. And those that came later did scoff the writers, for they could not count properly.

Saint Fayanora
8. And thereupon didst Jesus Christ bemoan his fate, for he saweth the monkey and thoughteth that he had started his LSD habit again.

9. And lo, Jesus didst taketh the pistol, loaded, and hold it to his head. He cried out to the world, “I'M ENDING IT ALL!!!” And didst shoot himself in the head.

10. An hour later, Jesus awoke from his death, finding his head healed. But he felt like he had just downed an entire gallon of 90-proof whiskey.

11. And Shoikin didst look upon everyone with Her eyes so beautiful.

An Invisible Something
12. Eris lamented: “this was supposed to be a random collection of profound Discordian sayings and deeds, as a reference for later scripture or for general uninspiration.”

13. Eris Wept.

14. “Oh yeah,” Eris said, “attribute them to me. Fuckers.”

15. And yay, it was so. And the people did dance in the streets, crying joyously as tears flowed from their eyes in honor of Eris.

16. And Eris laughed.

17. Fickle bitch, ain't she.

Pope Fay
19. Shoikin didst say then, “all forwards you get are fake. There are no boneless chickens being bred by KFC, there ist no child getting money for emails you forward, 'tis all a prank of Shoikin/Eris! I inspire them, and then laugh so hard that the
earth shakes when people take them seriously.”

20. And Jesus didst then speak, too, saying, “When I was young, and the first ever Discordian, I played a prank, pretending to be Gawd. Well, long story short, my little prank, coupled with the fact that I happen to be an immortal, made for the world's longest-running 'urban myth,' called Christianity.”

21. And lo! Jesus wept!

22. Eris then didst say, “But poking people in the eye can be fun!”

23. Malcalypse the Younger's son, George W. Bushwhacker (no relation to George W. Bush), didst readeth the beginning of this scripture, and didst put on monkey pants, and said, “I mock you with my monkey pants!”

24. And Jesus got stoned and drunk. Again.

An Invisible Something
25. Eris said, “I have never said Fnord once.”

Mostly Holy Foebea
32. Eris awoke from her trance of 37 days and nights of dugs and alcohol, not remembering her doings as they were so fare.

An Invisible Something
33. Eris said, “Gandhi had a few good ideas, but he just had to go too far.”

34. Eris said, “Blessed are the pastemakers.”

35. Eris said, “People straddle horses, people straddle camels, people straddle people; rarely do you see a camel straddling a horse.”

36. Eris said, “It's easier for a needle to go through the eye of a camel than for heaven to actually exist.”

37. Pope Fay asked, “Goddess, what do we need less of?” Eris replied, “redundant and redundant things.”

38. Eris said, “Oh, the CAULKING gun. NOW it makes sense.”

39. Eris said, “the surest signs of immaturity are signs of maturity.” Prince Mu-Chao asked, “Eris, what does that mean?” Eris said, “fuck me if I know, but it sounds fucking profound.”

40. Eris said, with regards to the ignorant Greyface, “The hamster's not dead, the wheel was never installed.”

41. Eris said, “The pagan say Jesus was born in a manger. I have it on good authority that 'manger' is French for 'eat'. Therefore, Jesus ate his way out.”

Saint Fayanora
42. And Pope Fay nodded like a cartoon character and said, “Yes, that makes sense. Jesus likes to 'eat out' women, so that makes sense.

43. And the Fnord smiled.

44. Pope Fay didst re-read number 39, and said, after reading Her mind, “You DO know!” and proceeded to fuck the Goddess.

45. And lo! It was good. They smoked pot laced with LSD afterwards.

46. And in their LSD induced crazed, Pope Fay and Eris decided to play Pool.

47. Which sounds like the game with balls and sticks, but is a lot different.

48. For instance, each player has 5 “Boolers” that they try to get in one of the 10 “Obnobbies”

49. Yes, it sounds really stupid, but then again, no one complains about Cribbage.

50. And Eris said “Oh wait…yes they do.”

Pope Fay
50. And it was revealed that Dantopia is strange, and Pope Fay in her drug-induced hays could make no sense of her comments, and so worshipped a purple elephant wearing Huggies.

Herostratus Carroll Coates
51. But lo those Huggies were too tight and the purple elephant became bluer at the second.

52. And Eris said, Oy! (Though she never has, or will be Jewish) (well there was that one time… but… no leave it) “Oy! introduce yerself HCC” And HCC did say, 'I am Herostratus Carroll Coates and I say howdy!” And the elephant suffocated and died.

53. And there was much joy and feasting to be had.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *