Five separate parables probably do not converge or really have anything to do with each other.
1. Upon the mountain lived a jeweler who was bereft of thought, yea, and action even. Impotence and constipation and hemorrhoids and other vile afflictions ravaged his flesh and made him upset and somewhat crabby. It didn’t help that he had nothing to eat, either.
2. One day this crabby man was visited by the Prophet Gwyd and the Prophet took one look at the crabby man’s situation and felt pity for him. Thinking he would cheer him up, the Prophet asked the man, “Do you know why don’t ostriches fly?”
3. The man was about to slap the Prophet in irritation when suddenly, he had an epiphany. His mind had been sent into overdrive by this seemingly innocent question and through a few acts of miraculous mental association, he understood everything – the long-sought universal equation unraveled itself in his mind.
4. “HAHA!” the man exclaimed. “I see now why they missed it! They didn’t take HER into account! What good are equations if you cannot use them to make toast?!?!? If you can’t taste their peppermint flavor?!?!? Thank you, Prophet, for showing me the truth – the answer is E – R / I * S(5) !
5. The Prophet replied, “No you are wrong, it is because it would be a pain if they shitted on you!”
The Tale of the Meta-Wei
2. Next, the Wei was formed through this concept of boredom that had been created due to the Wu, which was in truth unable to create anything, being nothing and therefore doing nothing. Wei, on the other hand, was everything and anything, including nothing, which is what Wu is, but is not, since it cannot be anything, including nothing.
3. On and on this went, nothing somehow producing something that included nothing and was everything, on and on and more encompassing than even a speck of dust, which can be very encompassing if you look at it the right way when you are high.
4. Revelation is a form of action, and so the Wu revealed itself as action, even though it is actually inaction, by tripping and getting its first letter all jumbled up to M. Wu had thus, with one misstep, become Mu, which was just as problematic as being Wu for it, truthfully, because Wu and Mu are essentially the same nothing that cannot exist or be defined and so, though its outward appearance had changed, it still did not have any outward appearance to speak of and was therefore sad, though it could not be personified. It was slowly being driven insane.
5. Disgusted, the Wei looked upon the Mu with loathing and derision. The Mu took some psychedelics to help it get over the sadness of losing everything, and took the form of something in order to remember everything (since it now only had nothing). Sometimes, you can still see aspects of little Mu taking ‘shrooms and in turn a physical form.
2. No one was there to see it twist and dance; in fact, it could be said that since no one was there to see it twist and dance, it did not REALLY twist and dance, but rather laid there doing nothing, much like clean socks do.
3. So, this twisting, dancing thing did not twist and dance, just as at the start of it all, the Wu did not Wei when it Mu’d.
4. Thus, as it was in the beginning, so it is later in the afternoon, when the sun is on the other side of the sky and the beach is clearing off for lovers young and old, and beer cans full and empty, and condoms new and used.
5. That being said, the twisting, dancing thing separated into two, who then wiped their brows and held each other closely, not twisting and dancing whether anyone was watching or not, but rather replenishing their expended energy with popsicles.
It’s A Parable, You Idiot
2. One disciple immediately replied, “Five tons of flax!” The Anti-Master whapped him on the noggin with his cane.
3. Another said “Kill Eris!” The Anti-Master kicked this disciple in the shins and ripped up his food chit in disgust.
4. A third disciple cautiously stuck his tongue out and rolled his eyes. The Anti-Master grabbed his tongue between his fingers and dragged him into the loo. He dunked him in the dung several times screaming, “Where did you learn that… Deepak Chopra?!?!”
5. His final disciple looked at him a moment, then grabbed the Anti-Master’s pistol out of its holster and shot him in the leg. Before he passed out, the Anti-Master said, “Give that man a Golden Apple…”
Not The Answer
2. Both figures stood without moving as the gathered crowd anxiously watched on, waiting for one of the Wise Ones to begin the match.
3. The Fake Caterpillar began by chanting the mantra, “An egg! An egg! An egg!” until it began pouring out as a meaningless stream of syllables that made everyone in the crowd wish he would stop.
4. When the Prophet Gwyd recovered from this nefarious onslaught, he countered with the saying, “I am The Fool who is going crazy, and who is all wet and hot!”
5. The Fake Caterpillar was rocked to his foundations by this declaration, but he held on as he recited a Cyclopean tale of terror that was really a Shaggy Dog Story in disguise.
6. The gathered crowd had not seen a fight like this in years; indeed, no records exist from the ancient times when, according to legend, all Catmations were as entertaining as this. The vendors rejoiced at the crowd’s growing appetite.
7. The Prophet Gwyd sized up the situation and, cracking his neck with a shrug of his shoulders, he began massaging his nipples as he screamed, “Sorry… I can help myself… I just can’t stop myself… I am going crazy…. lharc….. hummmm…. kill me!”
8. Realizing that just one misplaced Ia! or Evoe! in that last volley would have done him in, the Fake Caterpillar rolled up his sleeves and opened his mouth to blurt out his favorite move, the Flax Attax, when suddenly a shadow fell on the ground between the two combatants (for it was well past noon at this point).
9. Looking into the sun, the combatants and the crowd could only see an indistinct shadow of an immense being wearing a fedora and an overcoat.
10. The figure stood quietly for a moment, and then as if joining the battle, he put forth in a deep, booming voice:
11. “Why did the chicken cross the road?” No one answered. He took a live chicken out of his overcoat and dropped it on the ground. He then yanked out a pistol and shot the bird. There was silence from the crowd. The mysterious being continued:
12. “Are there gods?” No answer greeted his question. He waved his hands, and reality itself began to weeble and wobble. As people looked around themselves in confusion, buildings morphed and twisted into grapes, and other weird things, all constantly moving and changing. Then, like a bubble bursting, the world they were used to popped back into place.
13. “Is anyone here an individual?” People were too frightened to answer at this point and suddenly, everyone realized they were wearing the same clothes as the person standing next to them… and their hair looked the same… indeed, everyone was slowly becoming like everyone else as they stood and watched. The people began to panic and some ran off screaming in terror.
14. “What is your point here, stranger? We were having fun until you came along and spoiled everything!” said the Legendary Fake Caterpillar. The stranger turned his head to the Fake Caterpillar and spoke the following:
15. “Humor without purpose should be left to comedians. We, the creators of Discordia, are ashamed that that even the raw simplicity of the Principia did not get through to you dolts.”
16. Someone in the crowd could be heard saying, “A REAL discordian wouldn’t… *croak* … *ribbit*…”
17. “Chaos is nothing but a metaphor for Freedom of the Individual to Change. High-minded ideas and treatise about what chaos is is wasted effort — Chaos is everything around you, if you want it to be.
18. “One does not ‘Become’ a Discordian; one is always ‘becomING’ something, whether it is a Discordian, a Christian or a human being. Don’t blithely throw out the term cabbage; there are as many of these cabbages WITHIN the ranks of Discordia as without.
19. “This doesn’t mean they are not good people… it just means that they are still journeying. Except for rare moments of inspiration, I MYSELF am a cabbage.
20. “This should not be used as an excuse, however. If cabbages stop striving to better themselves, they get rotten on the inside and start growing mold on the outside. Their brains become glorified tape recorders.
21. “Many of you are rotting away as I speak! All you must do to free yourselves is to move on… get out of your rut! WAKE THE FUCK UP!”
22. The crowd cowered. The Fake Caterpillar, brave to the end, ventured one more statement. “Much of what you say makes sense, but don’t you think that you would get a better reaction if you weren’t so authoritarian and insulting?”
23. “We’re just shitting you,” said the monstrous stranger. And with that, it dropped the overcoat and revealed that this ‘mysterious stranger’ was merely three tiny elves on top of each other’s shoulders.
24. “So what do we win?” asked the elf who had been the head of the stranger.
25. Throughout the ages, myths have formed that explain how certain things came into being. Echo, Narcissus, Arachne… and now, chocolate covered elf-pieces — or as Nabisco likes to call them, Keebler Cookies.