Blue Raspberry

Hard research into why raspberry is blue
When it is clearly not blue.

I got to wondering the other day why the raspberry flavor is represented as being blue in all confectionary treats. You never see blood-red or diseased-liver-black raspberry, even though that is the berry’s true color.

So, as with any bothersome question I come up with, I did a little “online research” (which is what I call it when I type a search string into Google, because it sounds so much more important).

You know what I found? Multiple websites claimed that the only reason blue raspberry was invented was because kids like to eat blue things.

Preposterous.

The blue freezy pops are the last to go in our freezer and last time I checked we have two kids in the house. Besides, if all you wanted was a blue-colored treat, any cabbage would figure out that you should make it blueberry or sky flavored.

Through several excessive flights of intellect, I have stumbled upon the real reason that blue is identified with raspberries and, unsurprisingly, it is because of our very own Eris.

After carefully weighing all of the empirical evidence and using my home computer to recalibrate some of the figures once my microwave blew up and made a smurficide scene out of a couple of those previously-mentioned freezy pops that were recruited to help answer this vexing problem, I was able to get accurate calculations.

Note that the calculations resulted in the following:

01000101011100100110100101110011001000000110111101101110011000110110010100100000011000010111001101101011011001010110010000100000010100110110000101101001011011100111010000100000010000100111001001101001011011100110010100100000011101000110111100100000011000110110111101101110011000110110111101100011011101000010000001100001001000000111001001100001011100110111000001100010011001010111001001110010011110010010000001110000011011110111010001101001011011110110111000100000011101000110111100100000011101010111001101100101001000000110000101110011001000000110000100100000011000100110000101110011011001010010000001100110011011110111001000100000011010000110010101110010001000000110111001100101011110000111010000100000011000100110000101110100011000110110100000100000011011110110011000100000010001100110111001101111011100100110010000100000010100110110111101110101011100000010111000100000010101100110010101111000011001010110010000100000011000010111010000100000011000010010000001101100011000010110001101101011001000000110111101100110001000000111001001100001011100110111000001100010011001010111001001110010011010010110010101110011001000000110100101101110001000000100110101101111011011000110010001100001011101100110100101100001001000000110100101101110001000000100011001100101011000100111001001110101011000010111001001111001001011000010000001110011011010000110010100100000011010010110111001110011011101000110010101100001011001000010000001101101011010010111100001100101011001000010000001110100011011110110011101100101011101000110100001100101011100100010000001010111011000010111010001100101011100100010110000100000010010000110100101100111011010000010000001000110011100100111010101100011011101000110111101110011011001010010000001000011011011110111001001101110001000000101001101111001011100100111010101110000001011000010000000110010001001010010000001000110011100100111010101101001011101000010000001001010011101010110100101100011011001010010000000101000011000110110111101101110011101000110000101101001011011100111001100100000011011110110111001100101001000000110111101100110001000000111010001101000011001010010000001100110011011110110110001101100011011110111011101101001011011100110011100111010001000000110000101110000011100000110110001100101001011000010000001100111011100100110000101110000011001010010000001101111011100100010000001110000011001010110000101110010001000000110101001110101011010010110001101100101001000000110011001110010011011110110110100100000011000110110111101101110011000110110010101101110011101000111001001100001011101000110010100101001001011000010000001000011011010010111010001110010011010010110001100100000011000010110111001100100010000001000110011101010110110101100001011100100110100101100011001000000100000101100011011010010110010000100000001010000
101000001110010011011110111011001101001011001000110010100100000011101000110000101110010011101000110111001100101011100110111001100101001001011000010000001101100011001010111001101110011001000000111010001101000011000010110111000100000001100010010111100110001001100000010000001101111011001100010000000110001001001010010000001010011011011110110010001101001011101010110110100100000010000100110010101101110011110100110111101100001011101000110010100100000011000010110111001100100001000000101000001101111011101000110000101110011011100110110100101110101011011010010000001010011011011110111001001100010011000010111010001100101001000000010100001110100011011110010000001110000011100100110010101110011011001010111001001110110011001010010000001100110011100100110010101110011011010000110111001100101011100110111001100101001001011000010000001001110011000010
111010001110101011100100110000101101100001000000110000101101110011001000010000001000001011100100111010001101001011001100110100101100011011010010110000101101100001000000100011001101100011000010111011001101111011100100111001100101100001000000110000101101110011001000010000001000010011011000111010101100101001000000010001100110001001011100010000001000001011011100110010000100000010011000110111100100001001000000100111101110101011101000010000001101111011001100010000001110100011010000110100101110011001000000110001101100001011000110110111101110000011010000110111101101110011110010010000001101111011001100010000001101001011011100110011101110010011001010110010001101001011001010110111001110100011100110010000001110111011000010111001100100000011000110111001001100101011000010111010001100101011001000010000001110100011010000110010100100000010010000
110111101101100011110010010000001010010011000010111001101110000011000100110010101110010011100100111100100100000010000110110111101101110011000110110111101100011011101000110100101101111011011100010111000001101000010100000110100001010010101110110100001100101011011100010000001000101011100100110100101110011001000000111001101100001011101110010000001110100011010000110010100100000011000110110111101101100011011110111001000100000011011110110011000100000011101000110100001100101001000000110001101101111011011100110001101101111011000110111010001101001011011110110111000100000011100110110100001100101001000000111011101100001011100110010000001110101011011100110010001100101011100100111001101110100011000010110111001100100011000010110001001101100011110010010000001110111011001010110000101110010011110010010000001101111011001100010000001110100011010000
110010100100000011101000110000101110011011101000110010100101100001000000110001001110101011101000010000001110100011100100110100101100101011001000010000001101001011101000010000001100001011011100111100101110111011000010111100100101110001000000100000101110011001000000111001101101000011001010010000001110011011101010111001101110000011001010110001101110100011001010110010000101100001000000110100101110100001000000111011101100001011100110010000001101000011011110111001001110010011010010110001001101100011001010010000001100001011011100110010000100000011100110110100001100101001000000111011101100001011110000110010101100100001000000111001101101111011100100110010101101100011110010010000001110000011010010111001101110011011001010110010000101110001000000101001101101000011001010010000001110111011100100110010101110011011101000110110001100101011001000
010000001010011011000010110100101101110011101000010000001000010011100100110100101101110011001010010000001110100011011110010000001110100011010000110010100100000011001110111001001101111011101010110111001100100001000000110000101101110011001000010000001100010011011000110010101110111001000000111001001100001011100110111000001100010011001010111001001110010011010010110010101110011001000000110111101101110001000000110100001100101011100100010000001110011011101000110111101101101011000010110001101101000001000000111010101101110011101000110100101101100001000000111001101101000011001010010000001110011011000110111001001100101011000010110110101100101011001000010000001100110011011110111001000100000011011010110010101110010011000110111100100101110

 

When by chance I ran that through a binary-to-text converter, the following scene was reconstructed:

Eris once asked Saint Brine to concoct a raspberry potion to use as a base for her next batch of Fnord Soup. Vexed at a lack of raspberries in Moldavia in February, she instead mixed together Water, High Fructose Corn Syrup, 2% Fruit Juice (contains one of the following: apple, grape or pear juice from concentrate), Citric and Fumaric Acid (Provide tartness), less than 1/10 of 1% Sodium Benzoate and Potassium Sorbate (to preserve freshness), Natural and Artificial Flavors, and Blue #1. And Lo! Out of this cacophony of ingredients was created the Holy Raspberry Concoction.

When Eris saw the color of the concoction she was understandably leery of the taste, but tried it anyway. As she suspected, it was horrible and she waxed sorely pissed. She wrestled Saint Brine to the ground and blew raspberries on her stomach until she screamed for mercy.

Now, I don’t claim to know who this Saint Brine is or why she has not been mentioned before, and I can’t say whether this proves that Happy Fun Ball made up the Fnord Soup recipe in The Hunting of the Fnord out of thin air, but what I do know is that this empirical study proves yet again that Our Lady is consistently bilked out of not only the credit for countless ideas and inventions, but also the lucrative patent rights.

From now on, whenever a Discordian sees something that was obviously inspired by Eris, whatever the history books or urban legends say, they should not be afraid to stand up and shout down the False Profits that are claiming Our Ladies inventions as their own. Remember our rallying cry… BLUE RASPBERRY!

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