A Chaosmas Carol

Originally posted to 23ae by Ratatosk, Squirrel of Discord.

“Alas, I am lost!” quoth Omar one day.
“I can’t find the road and I can’t find my way.”
“Of course you cannot,” spoke a voice from behind,
“You seek and you seek, but you cannot find.”

Omar turned quick, like a Fleet Footed Freeb,
and Fleet Footed Freebs turn quite quickly indeed!

And what do you think that poor Omar found?
‘Twas a Great Golden Apple sitting there on the ground.
“An Apple?” he said “Why apples can’t talk!”
“For an apple is quiet, like a tree or a rock.”

He then heard a giggle, from near his right ear,
but turning around he saw no one near.
“This cannot be real! This cannot be right!”
“I must be asleep in my bed in the night.”

“You know what is real?” the voice asked in surprise.
“But what if what’s real is more than you realize?”
Omar sat down, right there in the road,
and who should he see but Great Old St. Toad!

“No, no!” said old Omar. “That isn’t O.K.”
“Toads should not walk or dress in that way.”
“Why not?” asked St Toad, with a St. Toady smile.
“Come walk with me, Omar, and talk for awhile.”

So Omar got up and walked with St Toad.
And they walked and they walked, they walked right off the road!
They walked for awhile to some stairs under ground,
then they went down, down, down, down and then down.

To a place where a wizened old gentleman sat.
He looked like he should live somewhere in Tibet!
“Come Hither, Come Hither” said the wizened old man.
“I’m the Great Dealy Lama, please come shake my hand.”

“You mean Dali Lama,” Omar said with a grin.
“But you are not he, I know you’re not him.”
“Of course I am not,” said the man with a snort.
“I am not quite the Dali Lama sort.”

“Eris sent you to visit this place…
but I’m not sure why, from that look on your face.”
“Eris?” said Omar, “I’m afraid I don’t see
why a silly fake goddess would bother with me.”

St. Toad gave a gulp, and a look of pure fear.
“Don’t say she’s a fake… just maybe she’ll hear!
And if she hears you say you don’t think she’s real,
she might turn you into a Hagbardian Eel!”

“Oh yes,” said the guru, “he is very right,
and Hagbardian Eels are a very strange sight.
They have fourteen legs and 3 extra eyes,
and I hear they have wings, but not one of them flies!”

Omar sat down, just sat on the floor.
He thought and he thought and he thought a bit more.
“I don’t think its true, I don’t think its right.
I think I’m asleep and dreaming this night.”

He heard a giggle from somewhere close by,
and then he heard a sound, just like a soft sigh.
But the sigh was a wind that picked him right off the floor,
blew him up the stairs, and right out the door!

It blew him way up in the air and away,
it blew him through the air for most of the day.
And finally, he landed, with a soft gentle thump,
he landed right there, in the great city dump.

And down by his shoe, he heard an “Ahem”.
A very strange roach was staring at him.
“I say , do you mind?” the little roach said.
“Your silly windstorm woke me right out of bed!”

“Well it wasn’t my storm,” Omar said with a groan.
“If I could do that I’d just blow myself home!”
“Oh ho!” said the roach. “Then I know who you are!
I’m known as St. Gulik, and your named Omar!”

“That’s right,” Omar said, “but how could you know?”
“And I don’t think they make saints as small as my toe.”

“Oh Discordian saints, can be any size,
what matters is what you have on the insides.”

“I’m confused”, Omar sighed, “What’s real and what’s not?
Before this strange day, I’d not given it thought.”

“Of course you did not, for your face was all grey,
and your brain was all hunched, because you never play!”
The little roach smiled and said “Follow me,
for I have some stuff that you’d love to see.”

He followed St. Gulik, through a small Nissan trunk
and stood in surprise, for there in that junk…
Was a mansion so great with ceilings so high,
he couldn’t believe it, but boy did he try!

Then a curious thing, the roach on the floor,
grew and he grew and he grew up some more.
And what do you think Omar saw with his eyes?
Why St. Gulik had grown up to full human size!

And he had human ears and eyes and a nose.
He had human arms and fingers and toes.
That roach had become an elderly man.
and this was as much as Omar could stand.

“Ok” said our friend, as he trembled with fright.
“This all must be real and Eris is right!”
St. Gulik smiled and reached out his hand,
saying “I see that you’ve found your pineal gland!”

Omar was stunned as he felt something strange,
there was something just pulsing right there in his brain!
And suddenly there was that sweet laugh once more
And Eris Discordia appeared at the door.

“Oh no! Oh dear! Oh my!” Omar said.
“I’m sorry I didn’t believe what they said!”
“It’s ok,” our dear goddess said with a laugh,
“I wouldn’t believe most of this, only half.”

“You see my dear Omar, the foolish and wise,
are not far apart in Discordian eyes.”
she smiled and said, “But there is one thing yet.
Do you trust me Omar?” and he said “You Bet!”

She took him by the arm and said “Here we go!
and the very next stop will be my home in Limbo!”

So Omar and Eris, went to Limbo for tea.
and wondrous works of Chaos did he see.
Then Omar went home and the end of the day,
content with the thought that he’d found his way.

So someday if you find that you’ve lost your way,
and your brain is all hunched from Greyfaces that day.
Just shake yourself off with a smile and laugh.
But don’t believe this, well maybe just half!

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