1/473,454 of the rules for Cook-Note Fiberglass!
What follows is a page out of the long lost The Book of Text of Document – A Beginner’s Primer to Dins and Shouts of Cook-Note Fiberglass. Although this 800+ page book was regrettably lost one day years ago, this page inexplicably turned up in my pants pocket the other day. I can only assume that more pages will turn up in odd places. If you happen to find one disguised as toilet paper, hiding in a bottle of sarsaparilla, or growing out of your bonsai tree, please be sure to mail it to me and I will post it here for safekeeping.
3.6.002: If the requirements of 3.6.001 are met, the player may at this point declare “Total Annihilation” and walk amongst the pieces, kicking them over and breaking some and generally causing a ruckus as the player sees fit. It shall be graded on a sliding Robigitus Scale (See 2.1.192) by the scorekeeper with the following endpoints: Mercy, Destruction, Style, Random. Bonus points not exceeding 2000 points may be given if the player reproduces convincing Godzilla-like screeches. The points will be reversed and given to the opponent if 1) the player does not destroy at least 50% of it’s own pieces, 2) the player does not wiggle its posterior in an enticing manner as the annihilation is undertaken, or 3) the scorekeeper is generally not amused by the performance.
3.6.002.1: After a “Total Annihilation”, the players must hire a government contractor (played by the scorekeeper, an onlooker or pizza delivery person) to repair the pieces and re-erect them in their proper spots. This must be done without any input from the players, unless of course they bribe the scorekeeper to look the other way. Remember, bribes must be parlayed according to the rules outlined in Section 1.7. If players are caught attempting to influence the government contractor, they will be fined 5,000 points (on top of any bribe fines) and the government contractor should do attempt to do a quarter-assed job instead of their typical half-assed job.
3.6.002.2: “Total Annihilation” may only be called once per game per player, except in cases where the game has lasted longer than the Single Berry Limit (Appendix M-13) but not as long as Rootin’ Tootin’ Time (Appendix M-24), in which case it may be used a second time by the player who did not already annihilate.
3.6.003: If the requirements of 3.6.001 are met and “Total Annihilation” has not been called, the player may call for “Factor” and associate himself with one of his pieces or cards. Once a player has been factored into the game, the only way for it to “Unfactor” is to play one of their Golden Apples. When a player is factored to a piece or card, they must assume the qualities of that piece or card (see Appendix B for current listing of quality and rule mappings). Another benefit of factoring to a piece or card is the ability to remove the factored piece or card from the game – forcing a role switch between the player and the scorekeeper. If a role switch is initialized the former player must “Unfactor” to switch back into the game and return the piece or card back into play.
Beginners Note: Factoring and Removing is a nice way of getting out of a CF match that you are certainly going to lose – the loss goes to the new player, not you. Unfortunately, this tends to piss off the person who gets stuck with the loss, so beware of using it rashly. Also, many players have switched, assigned mega-points to their replacement, then “Unfactored”. This is a risky proposition at best, as no one likes to be used like a two-dollar whore and the Scorekeeper’s handbook clearly outlines a…
Unfortunately, that is it. Again, please keep your eyes peeled for more pages from The Book of Text of Document – I know they are out there somewhere…