It was a quiet Sunday morning. Peaceful, even. The monk Nopants sat down in front of a perfectly golden brown waffle, fork and knife in hand, a serene smile on his face.
Suddenly, there was a loud obnoxious yodeling noise from the other room. Nopants gritted his teeth. The yodeling got louder. Nopants tried to ignore it as his grip tightened on his fork and knife. Apparently Golden Rod was walking around the monastery, practicing his thunder-yodels.
Bung Fu The Fool sensed that Nopants was about to flip his shit and said, “Let me handle this.”
Bung Fu jumped out from behind a bush and surprised Golden Rod. “Hey you fuckstick! Master Nopants is trying to eat his fucking waffle in peace and you keep bunging it up with your asshole yodeling.”
Golden Rod was full of it this morning. He hissed back: “Listen you sycophantic douche canoe, I am an enlightened master so I can do whatever I fucking want. I’m sick of your fascist tyrant authoritarian facist whining like ehh ehh none of us would know what to do if you didn’t crack the ass whip up all of our asses all the time, so listen up: If I want to yodel, I can do it. If I want to keep my fucking PISS IN A JAR, I can do that too. And if I want to bust my throat by yodeling so hard MY EYEBALLS BULGE OUT MY SKULL, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY BECAUSE THESE EYES ARE MADE FOR BULGING AND THAT’S JUST WHAT THEY’LL DO—-"
Bung Fu said, “I’m just saying—”, but Golden Rod cut him off “—AND ONE OF THESE DAYS I’M GONNA BULGE ALL OVER YOU.”
That was it for Bung Fu, he hated being yelled at and even more, he hated Nancy Sinatra. He sneered and made a stupid face and shouted back in a sarcastic tone, “OHH I DIDN’T REALIZE THAT BEING AN ENLIGHTENED MASTER MEANS HAVING NO FUCKING REGARD FOR ANYBODY ELSE AND SPAGGING AROUND THE MONASTERY GOING EHH EHH LOOK AT HOW GREAT MY YODELING IS, GIVE ME A YODELING AWARD MADE OF PISS SO I CAN KEEP IT IN A JAR AND WALK AROUND LIKE I’M BETTER THAN EVERYBODY EXCEPT I ACTUALLY HAVE A PISS JAR ON MY PERSON AND I WANT TO SHOW IT TO EVERYBODY LIKE THEY’RE PICTURES OF MY UGLY BABY AND NOBODY GIVES A FUCK BUT I KEEP SHOWING THEM OFF GOING OOOH LOOK AT HOW CUTE MY BABY IS ISN’T HE PRECIOUS HE’S THE CUTEST BABY IN THE WORLD — EXCEPT PEOPLE REALLY THINK YOUR GODDAMN BABY LOOKS LIKE AN OLD MONSTER TRUCK TIRE THAT JUST ROLLED THROUGH A SHITSTACK OF ROADKILL WITH SHIT COMING OUT OF IT AND THEN STOPPED IN A PUDDLE OF COLD DOG JIZZ. WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT AWFUL BABY HAS HIS FATHER’S EYES, THEY’RE REALLY SAYING HE LOOKS LIKE A SMEGGY PSYCHOPATH WITH BUTTHOLES WHERE HIS EYES SHOULD BE AND THEY’RE SHITTING, CONSTANTLY SHITTING.”
“I don’t understand,” said Golden Rod.
“I’M SAYING PUT A DIAPER ON THAT BABY’S FACE, ASS TURBAN.”
Golden Rod punched out a lamp and shouted, “YOUR PATHETIC ATTEMPTS TO OFFEND ME HAVE BACKFIRED AND NOW I’M HORNY AS FUCK SO I’M GOING TO CALL UP YOUR MOTHER, WHOM I HAVE ON SPEED DIAL, AND TELL HER TO ORDER A PIZZA PIE BECAUSE I’M COMING OVER AND I’M GONNA FUCK HER IN THE FAT ASS, THEN EAT THE WHOLE PIZZA IN FRONT OF HER WHILE SHE CRIES AND IF SHE ASKS FOR PIZZA I’M GONNA SAY NO BITCH, YOU’VE HAD MORE THAN ENOUGH GODDAMN PIZZA ALREADY.”
Bung Fu tore off his shirt and shouted “ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A SPAG NAMED GOLDEN ROD WHO WAS ON HIS WAY TO THE BIG CITY TO MAKE HIS FORTUNE, BUT SUDDENLY HE GOT ELBOW DROPPED,” and with that, Bung Fu leapt onto Golden Rod, elbows first. They began to fight and roll around and scream crap at each other.
Hey cats. 23ae's been quiet while I've been working on other projects, so here's a personal update from the Professor Cramulus. My main creative project is that I am a larp designer, I help manage these big stupid games where adults go camping and pretend to be elves and wizards and shit. It's bananas. But Eris told me there's something important about creating strange parallel universes that you can actually visit. And wearing dumb costumes. I think she said something about that too.
I started a crazy tumblr blog which is crammed up with dumb images - http://cramulus.tumblr.com/
- most of the content is absurd stuff I've collected from the web over the last six or seven years. It was a pleasant suprise to discover there are actually a lot of Discordians on tumblr
I've got a small facebook group
for Discordians which is very low key. In 2013 we're going to leave 2011 behind and switch to a new group
. This isn't meant to be a big thing, just a place to come hang out with other spags and not really sweat things. I mean christ, it's facebook, communication there is dumb as hell by default. I'm trying to do the "Discordian Society" thing on easy mode - no pressure to contribute, no group identity, no consensus. Low drama. Sticking apart. So if the groups seem fluffy and unimportant and that nothing of value will emerge from there, good, that's the point
. It's obligation free for all.
My main Discordian project has been Fractal Cult
. This is a creative-output-focused group of about 20 Discordians. New members welcome. Check out our group blag: http://fractalcult.tumblr.com/
- the kernel idea (the Fractal as the flag for the cosmos) is something that's been kicking around my head for a few years. I am now exploring it in more depth. We also have a nasty recipe for kool aid which I think everybody will love.
The original Trickster Goddess is back. She's been sleeping for a long time, but the discovery of the Planet Eris marks her full force return. Eris isn't the kind of God who rules the world from a mountain like a king. She changes the world by rolling a golden apple into the midst of a party. People's true colors come out when they dive dive for it. Our culture can't stop squabbling for those golden apples. Turn on the news, it's most of what you see. Somewhere, Eris is snickering to herself.
There's a little western Zen parable there. The Buddha says that suffering comes from desire. But if you can enjoy things without being attached to them (and avoid things without fearing them), you won't be as likely to enter batshit feral grabass territory when you see the golden apple. Eris is like a trickster Buddha, rolling apples and watching the show (BTW, I know firsthand that Eris rides bikes with Lao Tzu). And I like that because Buddha isn't a god, he's a symbol that even us shitty mortals can find Nirvana. And Eris is a symbol too. For what, that's up to you.
Discordianism was founded by two stoned teenagers in a bowling alley. Normally, "Hey let's start our own religion dooood" conversations become stupid after about 25 minutes, but this one actually worked and has been going on for over 50 goddamn years
. (If you think about it, this is actually much less silly
than how Mormonism began.)
Listen, truth isn't a contact-high you get by hanging out with wise people. We've been brainwashed by millennia of cultural conditioning to think that holy men are an elite group we don't belong to. But you don't need a designated driver to talk to God (or the Higher Self or whatever you call it) Jesus, Buddha, and the Flying Spaghetti Monster are within all of us. You can be the pope if you want. The fucking pope! Anybody can.
Seriously, we have a cultural bias towards "the wisdom of the ages". People are living their lives based on some rules written by some ancient spags in a desert who didn't even have text messaging on their phones. People treat them as a moral authority even though that culture would have been totally awful to live in. (Unless you like public stonings and dying at 35) We live in a world the ancients couldn't have even imagined. Instead of living in their model, it's often better to think for yourself, or at least use advice from this century.
: The golden apple has a counterpart: the apple no one desires, but fears.
turn on the news, half of it is about squabbling for a golden apple. the other half is about running from the other one
Question for the 23 Apples of Eris (meaning anybody who reads this thing):
Does Eris roll those apples too?
, I think not anymore... that's why we Discordians embrace humor over seriousness.
But then again --- Eris used to be a scowling Greek chick with a dagger concealed in her bosom, so I think maybe she just told Mal and Omar she'd changed her ways so that they'd like her more. Her name is Strife, after all. Her closest relatives are War and Night. So let's not pretend She's all smiles and lulz..
What is this Dark Apple? What does it look like and what should we call it?
Wes Unruh calls it "The Hot Potato"
I think that apple is part of the Sacred Chao too, you just can't see it because it's eclipsed by the golden one. The Golden one is in front because we Discordians prefer humor to seriousness, but The Apple of Strife is in our bag of tricks too.