“My client performs his duties out of respect for human beings and their ability to choose their own fate. The Plaintiff would have you believe that my client is a vindictive and sadistic monster who tortures his wards pitilessly. The Plaintiff spreads these salacious rumors by using an army of ‘interpreters’, shrewdly ensuring himself protection from slander lawsuits.
“As we have shown during our cross-examination, my client’s wards are treated fairly, according to the way they treat other people. The Plaintiff would have you believe that this infringes on his Golden Rule patent, but we have shown that this patent has never been exercised, and that the two millennium expiration date has been surpassed. We have also shown that the patent was issued in error by Multiverse, Inc., because of the pre-existing patent for Karma, now also expired.
“We have proven that The Plaintiff does not prepare Golden Rule Summaries with which to judge individuals as specified in the patent request. We have also called into question His other rules, which are completely ignored on whim when making His own so-called ‘judgments’. The testimony of Mr. Peter declared ‘the cut of their jib’ as the prime factor in all judgment decisions, and freely admitted a complete lack of documentation for all incidents that occurred before E.7636.335.X. year 1983, data which was deleted so that The Plaintiff would have the disk space to install ‘Halo 8′, a computer game of some sort.
“We have shown that this is the 72,342 suit filed against my client by The Plaintiff, and we hope that you will recognize this for the malicious harassment that it is, and award my client his pain and suffering counterclaim, and of course, attorney’s fees.
“We know also that The Plaintiff has offered each of the members of the jury that rule in his favor eternal salvation, but we know that your quality of character would never allow you to accept such a slur on your ethical fortitude. If I was not so confident in your moral standing, I would inform you of the denigrated quality of life inherent in this so-called eternal salvation, and contrast it with the way of life described by our witnesses to help you recognize this offer as a threat, not a boon.
“In summary, The Plaintiff’s claim is invalid for a number of reasons, and His constant attacks on my client’s character and morals is repugnant and beneath Him. We ask you to find for the Defense, and award the full counter-claim requested to send a message to The Plaintiff that this sort of behavior will not be tolerated by right-thinking people.
“Thank you.”
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