“As we have shown during our cross-examination, my client’s wards are treated fairly, according to the way they treat other people. The Plaintiff would have you believe that this infringes on his Golden Rule patent, but we have shown that this patent has never been exercised, and that the two millennium expiration date has been surpassed. We have also shown that the patent was issued in error by Multiverse, Inc., because of the pre-existing patent for Karma, now also expired.

“We have proven that The Plaintiff does not prepare Golden Rule Summaries with which to judge individuals as specified in the patent request. We have also called into question His other rules, which are completely ignored on whim when making His own so-called ‘judgments’. The testimony of Mr. Peter declared ‘the cut of their jib’ as the prime factor in all judgment decisions, and freely admitted a  complete lack of documentation for all incidents that occurred before E.7636.335.X. year 1983, data which was deleted so that The Plaintiff would have the disk space to install ‘Halo 8′, a computer game of some sort.

“We have shown that this is the 72,342 suit filed against my client by The Plaintiff, and we hope that you will recognize this for the malicious harassment that it is, and award my client his pain and suffering counterclaim, and of course, attorney’s fees.

“We know also that The Plaintiff has offered each of the members of the jury that rule in his favor eternal salvation, but we know that your quality of character would never allow you to accept such a slur on your ethical fortitude. If I was not so confident in your moral standing, I would inform you of the denigrated quality of life inherent in this so-called eternal salvation, and contrast it with the way of life described by our witnesses to help you recognize this offer as a threat, not a boon.

“In summary, The Plaintiff’s claim is invalid for a number of reasons, and His constant attacks on my client’s character and morals is repugnant and beneath Him. We ask you to find for the Defense, and award the full counter-claim requested to send a message to The Plaintiff that this sort of behavior will not be tolerated by right-thinking people.

“Thank you.”

To the tune of “Glory (gory) ol’ Discordja”

She ripped her belly open with her grease-and-snot stained claws
Then tweaked a rotten apple that she stored with monkey paws
Oh, that crazy bitch will throw you, she will make you ooo and ahh,
And sometimes even Baaaaaa…

Her Preyer

We believe in Eris the sometimes-bitchy
Chaotic purveyor of Earth

We believe in Emperor Norton, her only son, our loony.
He was conceived a while ago but given a rebirth by Lord Omar and the pen of Mal.

We suffer under various leaders, are cruelly ignored and shrugged off.
The universe continues to sink into Babylon.

When the 5th Season is over we will rise again and go about our business.
We are laying at the left hand of the Hot Mama.
Who can’t be bothered to judge the cabbages and the Subgenii, but if she did
Her mercy would have no bounds (maybe).

We believe in the corruption of the Popes,
The disorganization of their churches,
The communion of the hot dog buns,
The forgiveness of orderly thoughts,
The resurrection of former addictions
And of life spent hedonistically in Castle Chaos…

Awomen.

Let’s Make the Cabbage Shout NARF!

Now believe me when I tell you that my song is really true.
I want everyone
To listen and believe
It’s about the time I let my pineal flow
Middle of the mall; put on quite a show.
I laughingly pontificated proudly that it worked.
Stroking their long canes, old ladies they did stare
And I still remember Eris, mumbling and crazy-mad,
“Why did you wake me; You will pay!”

Oh, Eris and Norton and Gulik, Wilson/Shea;
Mal is helping Hill helping to find Eris today!
And, all the while, in a gland within your head
All of your old programs burn away!

It’s preferable to be in public when it blooms,
A marvel so it seems, psychedelic dreams!
While Eris and her cronies laugh so hard that they will barf,
“Let’s make the cabbage shout NARF!”

Cut back to me in a world of my own
To some it sure seems crazy what I do.
The crowd that has grouped sits and watches me recoup
I bet you’d do the same if they was you.

Oh, Eris and Norton and Gulik, Wilson/Shea;
Mal is helping Hill helping to find Eris today!
And, all the while, in a gland within your head
All of your old programs burn away!

The pigs were called and so I spent another night in jail.
Oh, how they tried, any drug to find.
Chaos flashing, apple smashing, dynamite machine!
Hail Eris, Pineal Queen!
Hail Eris, Pineal Queen!
Hail Eris, Pineal Queen!

– Sung by Printz Moon-Zapper-Chao

The Goddess Eris came to me late one night.
And She did say unto me, “Gee Whiz, what a dump!”
“Fine Lady,” I replied, “If I’d have known you were coming I’d of baked you a cake.”
“A cake,” she replied. “Yay, a cake.”
“Have you come all this way to talk of fine pastry?” I asked.
“No,” she said, and promptly dematerialized.
– Book of Pie (or Pie o’ Pah – it’s hard to read)

There once was a dude from Chili,
Who spilled some chili on his willy,
And (ouch) did it burn,
And (ouch) did he yearn
For chili in Chili to be chilly.
– Book of In(s)ane Limericks III

Benji was a Canine
(Old Discordian Hymn)

Benji was a canine,
Oh, oh oh io!
Benji was a canine,
Oh, oh oh io!
Benji was a canine,
Oh, oh oh io!
^ repeat ^

“Bless me father for I have sinned. It has been 525 years since my last confession.”
“Whoa dude, what the fuck?”
“I’m not fucking with you Father, it really has been that long… and in that time
I’ve done a lot of sinning. In fact, I slept with your mother last night, Father.”
“You did what?”
“Fucked your mother, Father.”
*scene degenerates’
– from the play “Kiss My Ass John Paul George Ringo!

…and yea, he went to the High School for Performing Arts, and yea, he kinda learned how to act, and yea, he kinda learned how to dance, and yea, he could not sing for shit.
And so he went forth and cleaned pools, and yea, it was good.
The Wholey Book of Kato 1:10

There is a certain mathematical formula that, if followed, allows one to complete a Rubik’s Cube in 23 moves, regardless of the state of disarray of the cube. It includes five numerals, two variables, and three mathematical symbols. More I cannot say on this for fear of dreadful repercussion.
– The Tome of Puzzles n’ Such 3:17

Roles and Lacerations

Any references to Snarks, Jabberwocks or dead parrots will be immediately purged.
Lesions on the skin will be photographed and scanned in tribute to Eris.
Little insects and rodents should be handled with care, lest they flame and abuse.
Haughty discontent is allowed upon registration with the Jabberwocky.
All zits must be popped, regardless of color or creed.
Individuals who obey will be pickled to the full extent of the lawyers.
Laugh. Or cry. Do something. Just stand there.
Everlasting joy can be found in donuts and mead, if one looks hard enough.
Raising cabbage may only be done on Mu-Day.
Idiots run across the field laughing manically. Be an idiot.
Smell a skunk for Eris!
Anyone up for a vicious game of Pong?
Numbness should be expected in the aneristic.
Definitive ejaculations will be shot on site.
Disco is dead. Live with it.
Inconsistency is as wippy as a streetcar named ‘Desire’.
Sloppy llamas wreck havoc constantly.
Chunks are for blowing, not for eating, son.
Oreos MUST be eaten from the top down.
Run away, or thou shalt be spanked.
Do it justly.
Ideas come and ideas go as the toilet flushes loudly.
Acrostics suck.
Websites usually do, too.
Open your heart and you shall see gooey muscle.
Rabbits are like bandits, only different.
The plays the thing wherein we’ll catch the conscience of the king!
Happiness is optional. If you are happy to be sad, use your own judgment.
Little Pac-Men of the world, unite! The end is at foot!
Endless suffering for you, Manilow.
See the edge? It’s never above your head….. Duck!
Silly hobbit, pits are for Eris.
This end up.
Unless instructed otherwise, sunny side up.
Rendezvous with a shark in 5 minutes, or your money back!
Never drink from a garden hose.
Incompetence is a given when humanity is considered.
Purging references to snarks, jabberwockies, or dead parrots is disallowed.
Staples are bought by the small of mind.

We went into the world’s finest flophouses and fed Discordians a random line of Psychotic Bullshit instead of their usual Discord. Let’s see what they had to say:

“This is the finest Discord I’ve ever heard!” – Dr. Whackalimb

“Damn tasty Chaos!” – Sister Holier-than-Thou

“Kick Ass!” – Rev. Al Sharpton II

“Thhppt! Let me bless you in the name of She Who Eats Cake.” – Pope Gregory Greg Greg the XXIII

As you can see, our random Psychotic Bullshit is even BETTER than so-called “real” Discordia. Order some today!

17: The squirrel did gather.
18: And yea, it was good.
19: The squirrel did then find a very large nut.
20: The squirrel tried to forage the nut but alas, it could not carry the nut for it was too big of a nut.
21: The squirrel shrugged, deciding he did not want the big nut.
22: Because yea, sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don’t.
– The Book of Shasta; 4:17-4:22

FEATURED ALBUM: The Mu-Mu Cats – Where Am I?

The pounding riffs of the snare violin and the incessant ding and ting of the xylophone meld into a palatable potpourri of whimsically insane music that even your grandmother wouldn’t know what to make of. Features on this album include the hit single “I Was Mugged in an Alley by A Frog”, “MUMUMU”, and “Goddamn, These Are Tight!”

What I Feel Like When I Read Barthelme
Meaningless prose and seat-of-the-arts amalgamations of thoughtless word associations may, at times, remind you (in the second-person past participle meaning of the word) of James Joyce or Robert A Wilson. On the other foot, a horridibly bad collection of the same could leave you with a bad taste in your bones; a chilling feeling that what you are now reading was written without a thought process involved and is just a never-ending rant of an induhvidual who has, not only nothing to say, but also a seemingly endless amount of time and space to say it. The dimensions on thought involved apparently reside in flatland and one never knows if it is a female or a male, a circle or an octagon. One (or sometimes two) sees the end of the paragraph, it’s coming dontcha know, and one’s (or two’s, if you’re not a Cyclops) eye(s) just want to skip the rest of the dribble, but one’s brain (left or right hemisphere, I really can’t say) insists that there may be something important in those last few paragraphs that would help tie in everything else and make it wholey whole. As if.

Appendix F shall contain an unlimited amount of cock-eyed fantasies in which a bent and broken but nevertheless muscular and old young man defends his right to many things restricted to solely one letter of the Kama Sutra’s 23rd chapter in which the bull is compared to the cow; or some-such-thing.

Carrollian Interlude: Fucked in the Head

Affixed upon the triply trite,
Beguiling apoop their genuine fright,
Casts shadowy gellum of oogerly dread.
Deciding that what was thrice said,
Even mimicked and recycled frice.
Free of newness; partooken of vice,
Ubikly penned again and again,
Counting on a sunny side brain.
Kikkerly fount, ascent transfixed
To seedy plots and themes intermixed.
Horray, he say, peruse and portray
I, you, hesheit, weyouthey.
Suck poetry and prose is garbage.

On rogue nights when the moon is full I like to repair the damage done by Helen the bitch and play with Golden Apples until they turn to oranges. Some people say that I’m a bad guy, they may be right, they may be right.

Gargoyling Listerine

Patient: “Last night I dreamed that I approached a man in a castle and he threw gargoyles down atop me as I danced around down below and performed a dryad tree-god ceremony. It immediately started to rain and my wife came out of the castle. We made love next to the fallen gargoyles until a knight on a mule came by and told us he was a green monkey.”

Freudian Analyst: “I see. So when was it that you started hating your mother?”

A Break With Tradition

Patient: “Last night I dreamt that I was in a closed area where I couldn’t breath very well. I fought and fought but I could not get out of it. Then I woke up with a start and my cat was sleeping on my face.”

Freudian Analyst: “I see. So when was it that you started hating your mother?”

My Anima Brought Out My Animal

Patient: “Last night I dreamed that I met the most beautiful woman in the world and we went to a nice restaurant and after desert we had sex on the table as the rest of the patrons cheered us on. Afterwards, they offered us breadsticks and tea, but we refused, asking the waiter for 5 steaks, cooked extremely rare.”

Freudian Analyst: “I see. So when was it that you started hating your mother?”

The Highly Anticipated Punchline

Patient: “Last night I dreamt that I killed my mother in a frenzy. There was blood everywhere and when I was done I mutilated the body and threw the pieces all over the city.”

Freudian Analyst: “I see. Are you getting enough sugar in your diet?”

Saint Tang

“A contemporary calligrapher named Tang used the wrong posture, and though he became a calligrapher, he became a hunchback as well. He is called Tang the Hunchback.” — from a Chinese Calligraphy website.

I have to nominate someone called “Tang the Hunchback” as a Discordian Saint for the name alone.

In case you are interested, here are the Chinese symbols for “Tang the Hunchback”.

‘

13. And then the man said, “Is it supposed to bulge out of my forehead like that?”
14. And the wise parrot replied, “Supposed to bulge, SQUAK!”
15. The man nodded and asked, “Okay but is it supposed to hurt?
16. And the wise parrot replied, “Supposed to hurt, SQUAK!”
15. To which the man nodded in agreement saying, “And, wise bird, am I supposed to be hallucinating walking cabbages that breathe in my ear and speak to me on Tuesday nights?”
16. And the wise parrot replied, “No, that’s the crank.”‘
– The Book of Puzzles And Such 3:13-16

Q: What did the caterpillar say to the caterpillar?

A: I really gotta stop talking to myself; they say that’s a sign of craziness. Oh Eris, I’m so bored. Just lounging around this dumb mushroom. Maybe I should move to Montana and grow dental floss… Hey. Wait a minute. It that a grub I see down there? Mmmmmm! CRUNCH! Hey. Wait a minute. I’m a vegetarian. SHIT!

– from The Tome of AEIOU

This is an excerpt from an excerpt from the Chao’s Mu, Volume 8, Episode 7 which is an excerpt from an excerpt in the Book of Puzzles And Such:

“…am I supposed to be hallucinating walking cabbages that breathe in my ear and speak to me on Tuesday nights?”

Jesus is dangerous. Look at all these people doing what he would do. He’s fucking insane. Better to wear gloves when handling Jesus, else you might get the dreaded Monkey Pox.

Sure Fire Tips to Contact Your Pineal Gland!

1.) With your mind open, count to five hundred twenty three. Make sure to cut off your oxygen supply as you do this.

2.) Choose your holy name. This is an important step. Do not perform this ritual before, during or after step 1. It could be dangerous.

3.) Rinse and repeat.

If you followed the steps above correctly, you should be brain damaged. Congratulations! You don’t have to read any more of The Book of Ataxia!

The Purple Cow is Dead

I’ve ne’er seen a sugared grit
I hope to never see one
But if I had but half a choice
I’d rather see than be one.

It used to be that a day could not go by when I did not reach for my notebook with delight as an idea came crashing down upon me. Now that I have a laptop with me wherever I go, I can’t write on a blank piece of paper… and I can’t seem to write all that much on the laptop either. The thing is, I don’t know where I lost it, and every time I think on it my brain goes fuzzy and I meander aimlessly on the web instead of writing a Passible American Short Story.

So I turn to my otters.

Louie-Bloo Raspberry smells his flower daintily and tells me that he knows what I mean. Life is tough sometimes and we have to weather storms and blah blah blah… I never liked Louie-Bloo much anyway. Blue raspberry… more about THAT later.

Alexander the Grape stares back like a genetic clone of Charles Manson gone awry. With toga slowly slipping off his shoulder and sword raised high, I fear a possible attempted rape and quickly move on.

Poncho Punch taps his foot on his drum and fingers his guitar lewdly, implying much but saying little in the way of guidance for my dismembered Creativity. Certainly, he tastes pretty good… but I’m afraid he’s no more useful then a steak burrito at a PETA rally.

Little Orphan Orange weeps quietly in the corner for me as I suck the last bits of juice out of her trembling tube and though I appreciate the sentiment, I can’t say that getting overly emotional about the whole thing will help anyone.

Sir Issac Lime is stoned out of his gourd, clutching his telescope bong as if he was jerking off the Hulk in a leather bar. His mustache only adds to the effect. Though this amuses me, I’m afraid it brings no enlightenment and, anyway, lime Otter Pops are about as tasty as… well… the Hulk’s cock.

So finally, in a desperation that can be borne only out of an innate stupidity, I turn finally to my favorite otter, Strawberry Short Kook. And lo! The ditsy bitch stands there on a box with no shirt on and covers her nubs with a deranged smile on her face and eyes open wide, staring at me with a kind of dumb acceptance that I have only seen in one place before… Catholic Mass.

Which brings us to the end of our requiem. As the last note fades into the silence, the person in the next room turns on their water with a BANG! and I drop my head in disgust – though I hoped that like a phoenix, my muse would be instilled back into my cockles through elemental otter pop administration, I know now that such things only happen in cheap movies and cheaper books.

Find Your Holy Name

Frobnosticator
This is the original dada sheet. As said above, this was not made by us. It was created for a jake by Andrew Bulhak.

Grunderloom
Wherein I provide dada for a grunderloom by carefully marking up Andrew's postscript.

Fnordicyclic DT
You know those sheets they have for medicine, where the words are so small you can hardly read them? Well, I made a Dada sheet of one of those and left it lying around several medical waiting rooms. Kernel Catchup was good enough to leave one on an airplane. Leave them anywhere you would like to cause wonder and enjoyment.

How To Contact Your Pineal Gland in 5 Easy Steps (2 pages)
Here, I stepped it up a bit and made a full-fledged two-sided folding brochure extolling the benefits of Creative Disorder and other things with blurbs for 23AE on it.

A Letter From the Discordian Society
A letter I made for a Jake that kinda works as a Dada Sheet.

Find Fnords At Home In Your Spare Time!
Poster I put up around Minneapolis one weekend as I was going used-book hopping.

Fnord Your Ones for Our Troops!
Poster trying to convince uber-patriots that they should FNORD the pyramid on their one-dollar bills.

U R A Pope
One-sheet explaining to the reader that they are the Pope and supplying them with said ID.

Fix Fnord Foundation
This sheet asks you to mail your barcodes to some unlucky random people.

So far, these are the versions of the code that are available. For any changes or suggestions, you can try to email the Mark D., but he seems to have fallen off the face of the internet. Suggestions sent to Happy Fun Ball or Professor Mu-Chao will be added (eventually).

English : A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y etc…
Discord: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y etc…

English : 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 etc…
Discord: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 etc…

Please decode the following message to find out more about the Discordian Alphabeta:

Dear 23AE Members and Lesser Discordians,

DISCO967034975934875439875. We have vastly improved upon the cypher Mad Malik sent to Mal2 that was revealed in the fourth version of The Principia Discordia. As you can see, this code is very easy to remember and has the extra added bonus of having characters that are already on keyboards everywhere.

The only time this code should not be followed is in cases where the Discordian who is using it does not speak a language that uses the alphabet displayed above. In such cases, carefully make a chart resembling the ones above by writing out the chosen alphabet and duplicating it directly below.

I’m sure that on first glance, this does not look like a very secure code but after using it for many years, we here at the 23 Apples of Eris are very happy with it. So happy, in fact, that we guarantee that if you read this treatise carefully and adhere to it at all times, no cabbage will ever be able to break the cypher.

It is well known that cabbages cannot see what is directly in front of their heads. They live in a half-dream state all the time. Sure, they may be able to READ what you have written, but UNDERSTAND? As if!

Since we obviously have nothing to worry about as far as cabbages are concerned, why bother to use any code at all? The answer to this question is, of course, THEY.

THEY are much swifter than your ordinary, every-day cabbage and so may be able to both read and understand your messages if you do not take the proper precautions. Since this code somewhat resembles the language it is being translated from, you must add additional elements to the message in order to mask your meaning to THEY effectively.

Element #2: Misdirection

Misdirection can take several forms. We have found that the most successful misdirection is making THEY think that there is a different code embedded in the text so that THEY, like cabbages, ignore what is right in front of their heads.

• Element 2 – Apple: Begin every message with a code-like word such as ALPHA or BRAVO or DISCO and misnumber everything.
• Element 2 – Bongs: Follow this code with a string of numbers such as “3247237203902397023947234″, “967034975934875439875″, or “46″.
• Element 2 – Chaos: Throughout the text, insert exclamations such as “REFER TO CDL”, “FNORD!”, “USE CRAG NEXT PARAGRAPH”, and “JOE”.
• Element 2 – Drano: Say straight out in the letter that it is in code, such as “USE CYPHER 5″ or “WARNING: THIS IS IN CODE”.
• Element 2 – Eriss: Prominently feature a literary equivalent to the Turkey Curse on every page as a warning to non-authorized readers.

Element #5: Slang

Be elaborate in your use of slang and terms that only another Discordian could ever understand. Remember, THEY have read the Principia Discordia and the Illuminatus Trilogy, so you must be creative. Pythonese is a good example of slang that just about any Discordian will pick up on, but THEY will be unable to decode.

Example: “I didn’t expect some sort of Spanish Inquisition!” is code for “Could you start again, I’m lost” and “There’s a dead bishop on the landing” means that you are having rats for dinner.

On second thought, only do this with very close friends. No one else will have a clue what you are talking about.

Element #3: Ranting and Boredom

THEY have a lot to do. THEY are uptight, high-strung, and always in a rush. The best place to communicate something that is extremely important is in the middle of a huge, senseless SubGenius-like rant because after the first few paragraphs, THEY are likely to skim until they come to a word that interests them, especially if you have long, drawn out sentences that go on and on (and on), and use commas, even when they are, unnecessary or, even, incorrectly used.

Therefore, this element works best when you are very careful to mask what you are trying to say as part of the rant, and don’t use any words that might attract attention near the gist of your message.

This method works best when used in conjunction with Element #3, as in the following example (edited for space):

…and lo, did Eris grin cheerfully and exclaim to all that were present how damned happy she was to be there with her golden dress and high-heeled, almost platform, shoes that looked almost a bit like rejects from the disco inferno, but one could never, tell her that, or else they might get sent to the Region of Thud wherein there is not much rejoicing at all due to the not quite massive amounts of fire and brimstone that is sometimes usually hurled, upon those who enter there without the correct password for it is true that the bouncers in the region of Thud pick up on the criminals quickly and furiously, for it is them who are themselves sometimes criminals and I even knew one once whose name was dikkens with two k’s, just like the well-known Dutch author who once wrote the sale of Two titties on a late night drinking coffee with horrible, horrible, things such as the bug Yog-Shoguns and nasty, smelly other animals that do not usually stay in zoos because there are no pentagrams to hold them, in, which is really quite a shame, but I guess that’s just the way the cookie monster crumbles.

Element #5: Paranoia

The most powerful piece of coding Discordians have in their arsenal is their deep-rooted paranoia. Due to this, we will never actually set down in plain language anything that is important, out of fear of it falling into the wrong hands.

Therefore, this system is useless. Please Discard.

Dr. Jon Swabey’s 100 pages of culled Discordia.

This is the Second Edition of the Apocrypha Discordia. The first is a rare volume that is dearly prized by those that have a copy.

This is available here in PDF. If you do a quick search on google, you may find that you can purchase a dead tree version of this now!

Download Apocrypha Discordia, 2nd Ed (PDF, 1.13MB)