or A Very Secret Apple Code
English : A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y etc…
Discord: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y etc…
English : 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 etc…
Discord: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 etc…
Please decode the following message to find out more about the Discordian Alphabeta:
Dear 23AE Members and Lesser Discordians,
DISCO967034975934875439875. We have vastly improved upon the cypher Mad Malik sent to Mal2 that was revealed in the fourth version of The Principia Discordia. As you can see, this code is very easy to remember and has the extra added bonus of having characters that are already on keyboards everywhere.
The only time this code should not be followed is in cases where the Discordian who is using it does not speak a language that uses the alphabet displayed above. In such cases, carefully make a chart resembling the ones above by writing out the chosen alphabet and duplicating it directly below.
I’m sure that on first glance, this does not look like a very secure code but after using it for many years, we here at the 23 Apples of Eris are very happy with it. So happy, in fact, that we guarantee that if you read this treatise carefully and adhere to it at all times, no cabbage will ever be able to break the cypher.
It is well known that cabbages cannot see what is directly in front of their heads. They live in a half-dream state all the time. Sure, they may be able to READ what you have written, but UNDERSTAND? As if!
Since we obviously have nothing to worry about as far as cabbages are concerned, why bother to use any code at all? The answer to this question is, of course, THEY.
THEY are much swifter than your ordinary, every-day cabbage and so may be able to both read and understand your messages if you do not take the proper precautions. Since this code somewhat resembles the language it is being translated from, you must add additional elements to the message in order to mask your meaning to THEY effectively.
Element #2: Misdirection
Misdirection can take several forms. We have found that the most successful misdirection is making THEY think that there is a different code embedded in the text so that THEY, like cabbages, ignore what is right in front of their heads.
- Element 2 – Apple: Begin every message with a code-like word such as ALPHA or BRAVO or DISCO and misnumber everything.
- Element 2 – Bongs: Follow this code with a string of numbers such as “3247237203902397023947234″, “967034975934875439875″, or “46″.
- Element 2 – Chaos: Throughout the text, insert exclamations such as “REFER TO CDL”, “FNORD!”, “USE CRAG NEXT PARAGRAPH”, and “JOE”.
- Element 2 – Drano: Say straight out in the letter that it is in code, such as “USE CYPHER 5″ or “WARNING: THIS IS IN CODE”.
- Element 2 – Eriss: Prominently feature a literary equivalent to the Turkey Curse on every page as a warning to non-authorized readers.
Element #5: Slang
Be elaborate in your use of slang and terms that only another Discordian could ever understand. Remember, THEY have read the Principia Discordia and the Illuminatus Trilogy, so you must be creative. Pythonese is a good example of slang that just about any Discordian will pick up on, but THEY will be unable to decode.
Example: “I didn’t expect some sort of Spanish Inquisition!” is code for “Could you start again, I’m lost” and “There’s a dead bishop on the landing” means that you are having rats for dinner.
On second thought, only do this with very close friends. No one else will have a clue what you are talking about.
Element #3: Ranting and Boredom
THEY have a lot to do. THEY are uptight, high-strung, and always in a rush. The best place to communicate something that is extremely important is in the middle of a huge, senseless SubGenius-like rant because after the first few paragraphs, THEY are likely to skim until they come to a word that interests them, especially if you have long, drawn out sentences that go on and on (and on), and use commas, even when they are, unnecessary or, even, incorrectly used.
Therefore, this element works best when you are very careful to mask what you are trying to say as part of the rant, and don’t use any words that might attract attention near the gist of your message.
This method works best when used in conjunction with Element #3, as in the following example (edited for space):
…and lo, did Eris grin cheerfully and exclaim to all that were present how damned happy she was to be there with her golden dress and high-heeled, almost platform, shoes that looked almost a bit like rejects from the disco inferno, but one could never, tell her that, or else they might get sent to the Region of Thud wherein there is not much rejoicing at all due to the not quite massive amounts of fire and brimstone that is sometimes usually hurled, upon those who enter there without the correct password for it is true that the bouncers in the region of Thud pick up on the criminals quickly and furiously, for it is them who are themselves sometimes criminals and I even knew one once whose name was dikkens with two k’s, just like the well-known Dutch author who once wrote the sale of Two titties on a late night drinking coffee with horrible, horrible, things such as the bug Yog-Shoguns and nasty, smelly other animals that do not usually stay in zoos because there are no pentagrams to hold them, in, which is really quite a shame, but I guess that’s just the way the cookie monster crumbles.
Element #5: Paranoia
The most powerful piece of coding Discordians have in their arsenal is their deep-rooted paranoia. Due to this, we will never actually set down in plain language anything that is important, out of fear of it falling into the wrong hands.
Therefore, this system is useless. Please Discard.
on 
on 