The 23 Apples of Eris

In keeping with several members’ insistence that The Good Reverend stop being so mean and angry, so cynical and sarcastic, I have decided to bow to the will of the people. Bear with me on this, because I’m new to this touchy-feely stuff.

I was reading the news today, and I saw some things that – while not actually upsetting me – gave me pause for thought. It seems our president has been doing things that don’t appear quite correct. Now, I am sure he has our best interests at heart, but these things didn’t seem strictly in line with the US constitution.

I also noticed this morning that people tend to act in a way that does not seem to be the best use of intelligence. Of course, I’m not condemning them, as their version of “intelligence” is just as valid and self-actualizing as mine. Just because they stop for no reason in the middle of the street, doesn’t mean that they don’t have just as much of a right to be on the road as I do, and I heartily apologize if I appeared to imply differently, even for a second.

Everything is great. Things are wonderful.

Or Kill me Say Nice Things To Me.

Note: The Good Reverend’s work is not kopyleft, but may be reproduced unaltered and attributed, unless there’s money involved, in which case either I get my cut, or the Antignano brothers will be paying you a visit. I will feel terribly disempowered.  Capisce?

The Good Reverend feels that he has been more than generous, allowing people to use his internets the way he does…but it seems that some people have been abusing the privilege.

I’m not just talking about hate groups, like Stormfront or The 700 Club. No, The Good Rev has no problem with hate…though the sites above have a very weak hate. A mediocre hate. A puny, narrow hate which pales beside that hate which The Good Reverend feels for you, each and every day.

No, I’m talking about spammers. Now, we’ve ALL received nice letters from people who want to make us rich and increase our penis size…these are annoyances which The Good Rev puts up with, out of sheer inertia. Now, however, the Jesus Freaks have gotten into the act. The Good Rev turned his comp on this evening, and found 12 emails asking if “I have found Jesus”. Naturally, I replied…”No. Was he in that balloon, too?”

After all, all I need after a long day of bending thumbs and issuing threats of grave bodily harm is to hear some fuckwit extolling the virtues of the WIMP Jesus. The “please nail me to a cross Jesus”…as opposed to the three-fisted drinkin’ Jesus…the put his cigar out on your back Jesus…in short, the GODDAMNED MISTER SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON SONOFABITCHINING FIGHTING JESUS.

But, after all, even making fun of Christians and balloon boys pales after about 8 replies…and so I decided to make a stronger statement…so I sent the remaining 4 spammers bad packets. Let’s see if Jesus will heal their computers for them.

Now, none of this should be necessary…you should have been playing nicer on this wonderful toy I gave you. But you couldn’t, could you, Mister Jesus Loves You…Mrs Secular Keep Dobbs Out Of The Classroom…Mister Add 3 Feet To Your Penis…No, and now the fun stops. The gravy train has officially come to a halt.

So, people…grab your shit, and get the hell off of my internets.

Or kill me.

The Good Reverend has decided to shut down the internets, and retire on the millions he’s going to make helping some Nigerian guy. Suckers.

Note: The Good Reverend’s work is not kopyleft, but may be reproduced unaltered and attributed, unless there’s money involved, in which case either I get my cut, or the Antignano brothers will be paying you a visit. Capisce?

Friends, do you ever feel like the world has gone NUTS? That things are spiraling out of control? That the storm has arrived, and everyone around you is arguing about STUPID SHIT that doesn’t matter, while everything burns down?

But then you tell yourself that things can’t possibly be that bad, that it must be YOU and your BAD ATTITUDE. Maybe you’re depressed or something, and everything just LOOKS BAD…

I have some bad news for you.

THINGS REALLY ARE THAT BAD! You’ve just gotten USED to it. Odds are, you have just learned to compartmentalize it, so you don’t have to spend all day thinking about your brain-wrenching degree of debt, or the fact that you – especially those of you under the age of 25 – will spend the rest of your miserable lives paying off a national debt that is now at a magnitude of 13 digits.

Funniest part is, a lifetime of debt is the BEST you can hope for. The alternatives are much, much worse. 5 seconds from now, you could be groaning in pain, trapped in the white-hot wreckage of whatever you were standing in whenever IT happens…whatever IT is. Or maybe you’ll just die of thirst 5 years from now in the Great Kansas Desert.

Yes, the fact is that either way, the post-holocaust nihilism of The Road Warrior may turn out to be idiotically optimistic. You younger types will most likely spend your lives in a cube, PRAYING that a horde of berserk bikers would come along and kill you, because then at least your torment would be over.

None of this is an accident, by the way. This was all done to you ON PURPOSE.

It’s the Conspiracy™, brothers and sisters, the conspiracy of normality. They’re out to take your Slack…your God-given right to FUCK OFF. Oh, they’ll dribble just enough Slack, or more likely false slack your way to keep you alive so that you can work some more…but outright FUN? Hell, no. You’ll learn to work 80 hours a week, for the privilege of doing it again next week.

But the situation isn’t TOTALLY hopeless…because there’s “Bob”. JR “Bob” Dobbs, the living Slackmaster, who has come to RATIONALIZE YOUR SINS. “Bob” is the smiling face of tomorrow. He is the face of progress (even if his pipe smells like rancid shit). He is the cosmic reacharound that the universe OWES you. HE IS THE “CATCHER” IN YOUR DUTCH PR0N!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Or Kill me.

Note: The Good Reverend’s work is not kopyleft, but may be reproduced unaltered and attributed, unless there’s money involved, in which case either I get my cut, or the Antignano brothers will be paying you a visit. Capisce?

Proses are red,
Violence ensues,
Everything’s rotten,
And nothing is true.

Alright, meatsacks, listen up.

How long are you going to put up with this shit? Have you no PRIDE? No SELF RESPECT? Are you going to let monkeys push you around? You gonna let them take away your right to SLACK OFF? Your right to make HORRIBLE JOKES about things that most people won’t even BRING UP? Your right to fun, asshattery, and HUNDREDS OF SEVERED HEADS?

Oh, but you’re just full of excuses, aren’t you? “Oh, I have to wax the cat”, you say, “maybe later”…Well, has it occurred to you that there might not be a “later”? That this is the decade when the fun stopped forever?

That’s right…before you know it, the only sex that will be legal will be sex with other people. And nobody wants that (And “Bob” help you if they catch you with BIG, RED STRAPS in the bedroom. Pervert.).

There’s nowhere you can go where they don’t crawl into your skull…like Guinea Worms on steroids, they burrow into your head through the F-rays put out by your television. Even tinfoil doesn’t help, anymore, and – let’s face it – do you really want it to?

No, because then you’d have to deal with a horrible truth or two…like what happened to JFK and Bobby Kennedy and Captain Kangaroo and that nice old man that used to live down the street. You’d have to realize that, not only was Al Qaida not behind 911, but that 911 never happened because New York City was destroyed in 1955.

Ho ho! You won’t hear THAT on Fox News, will you? No, they’re too busy filling your head with idiotically optimistic, pollyanna bullshit. Happy fantasies about nice guys like Kim Il Sung and his happy fun nukes…when you know, deep down in your gut, that he and all the other nifty psychotics are just window dressing to hide the REAL menace.

But this is all, of course, just more rantings from The Good Rev, who is always joking like this, and who always says one thing while meaning another, just to get cheap kicks out of sounding nutty or cryptic.

And nobody is out to get you. Everything is fine.

Go back to sleep.

Or kill me.

Note: The Good Reverend’s work is not kopyleft, but may be reproduced unaltered and attributed, unless there’s money involved, in which case either I get my cut, or the Antignano brothers will be paying you a visit. Capisce?

You know what gets under my skin? What makes me poop?

It’s that everything seems so goddamn GENERIC now. Even our BAD GUYS, our monsters and criminals and politicians are all vanilla, you know, hollow and plastic. Nixon was a man you could really HATE, for example…as opposed to the grinning bobbleheads we have today.

And the people. Oh, go ahead and get me started on the people. Most of them don’t even know what fucking YEAR it is, anymore…and they don’t CARE, so long as the teevee works and the gas station has gas and the grocery store has food. Indeed, we are kings of creation. Until the power fails…Then, of course, we are simply 2 legged stores of fat for aggressive coyotes.

The People, envisioned by the founders, were self-governing individuals. HAW HAW! What chumps Washington and Jefferson turned out to be, right? The only one who saw what was coming was Franklin, who laughed behind his hand while the rest babbled on about human dignity.

Fuck human dignity. There’s no such animal.

Let me say unto you that terms like “dignity” are MEANINGLESS in a society where you can get ARRESTED for saying the WRONG THING to a POLITICIAN. Let me ALSO say that being a GOOD CITIZEN only works if you live in a GOOD SOCIETY. That’s the essential difference between America and Canada. Canada – as a society – values the individual, and America values the individual’s labor.

How did it get that way? If I have to tell you, you are too stupid to do anything with the information.

How I hate you all.

Or kill me.

Note: The Good Reverend’s work is not kopyleft, but may be reproduced unaltered and attributed, unless there’s money involved, in which case either I get my cut, or the Antignano brothers will be paying you a visit. Capisce?