This being the Official Discordian Edition which has been cribbed together from various existing translations that were lying around the internet, so you can be assured of its genuine accuracy and mystic import.

When Yun Jiang (Cloud General) was traveling east, having been borne along on a gentle breeze, he passed through the branches of a magic tree and came upon Hung Mung (Silly Goose). The latter was rambling about, slapping his buttocks and hopping like a bird. Amazed at the sight, Yun Jiang stopped like one lost and stood still, saying, “Hey, old man, who are you? What are you doing, old man?”

Hung Mung, without interrupting his slapping and hopping, replied to Yun Jiang, “I am enjoying myself.”

Yun Jiang said, “I have a very sincere question to ask you.”

Hung Mung, for the first time raising his head and looking at Yun Jiang, said, “Uh oh!”

Yun Jiang, however, continued: “The essence of heaven is out of harmony; the essence of the earth is constricted; the elemental influences do not act in concord; the seasons do not observe their proper times. I desire to blend the essence of the influences and nourish all living beings. Do you know how that can be done?”

Hung Mung slapped his buttocks, hopped about, and shook his head, saying, “I do not know; I do not know!”

So Yun Jiang got no answer. Three years later, he was again traveling to the east and, as he was passing by the wilds of Sung, he happened to come across Hung Mung. Delighted, he hurried to catch up and said, “Have you forgotten me, O Heaven? Have you forgotten me, O Heaven?” Bowing deeply to the ground, he showed his desire to learn more from Hung Mung.

Hung Mung said, “I just flit about and don’t know what I’m looking for. Like a dog who wanders from place to place, I don’t know where I’ve been. Being one who just skips about slapping the soles of my shoes on the ground, I merely observe and view the sights of Undeception. What could I possibly know?”

Yun Jiang replied, “I also seem carried on by an aimless influence, but people still follow me around as though I’m actually going someplace. I cannot escape the people and what I do they imitate. I wish you’d share with me at least one word of advice.”

“That the scheme of heaven is in confusion,” said Hung Mung, “that the nature of things is hidden, that the will of the Dark Heaven is not accomplished, that the beasts of the field are scattered, that the birds of the air cry at night, that blight strikes the trees and herbs, that destruction spreads among the creeping things, — this, alas! is the fault of those who would rule others.”

“Okay,” said Yun Jiang, “but then what shall I do?”

Hung Mung said, “Oh! Keep quiet and go home.”

“It has been difficult to meet with you,” said Yun Jiang. “I should like to hear from you a word more.”

“In that case, nourish your heart,” Said Hung Mung. “Take the position of doing nothing and things will of themselves become transformed. Forget your body and spit forth intelligence. Cast out from you your power of hearing and sight. Forget what you have in common with things and you may  cultivate a similarity with the fundamental Chaos. Forget your mind and spirit, be soulless. Of all the multitude of things every one returns to its root, but they do not know why. This is chaos, but if you try to know it then you have already left it. Do not ask its name and do not seek to learn it’s nature, and all things will live of themselves.”

Yun Jiang said, “You have favored me with this teaching. Now I must ponder, and perhaps I will understand.” With that, he bowed deeply and left.

Dr. Jon Swabey’s 100 pages of culled Discordia.

This is the Second Edition of the Apocrypha Discordia. The first is a rare volume that is dearly prized by those that have a copy.

This is available here in PDF. If you do a quick search on google, you may find that you can purchase a dead tree version of this now!

Download Apocrypha Discordia, 2nd Ed (PDF, 1.13MB)

Principia Discordia (HTML)
Principia Discordia (PDF – 9.4MB)
Principia Discordia (ZIP DOC – 2.9MB)

In addition, Mungo shared with me some scans of the 3rd edition (of 500 copies whomped together in Tampa in 1969). They are hard to read, but are included here in case any of you Discordian Historians are interested.

We also did a few new revisions of the Principia with all new material. They aren’t our best work, but you may find a few gems in there:

Principia Discordia version 23.5 (HTML)
Principia Discordia version 23.5 (ZIP pdf, 801k)

Principia Discordia version 17 (HTML)
Principia Discordia version 17 (ZIP pdf, 605k)

I debated subtitling these, editing them for spelling, and maybe even adding comments, but resisted the impulse.  The only thing such heinous acts of comprehension would do is ruin the pure magic of the Prophet’s statements.  Thus, my editorial duties consisted merely of choosing which quotes of Gwyd’s to include and which section to include them under. All spelling and punctuation is the Prophet’s own and was undoubtedly done on purpose and with full malice of forethought.  In places where it looks like the quote was taken out of context, well, it looked that way to us too when we first saw it. Good Luck.

The Book of Fizzix and other Purported Sciences

U got me thinking of Schrodingers Cat.
If U locke a cat in a box and poison it
the cat will be alive and dead at the same time!

I like chemistry better, because of the colloured liquids inside of the little bottles!

it is scientificly proven that people with blue eyes are stuppider, because the light penetrares more into their eyes, and it dammages theyr brain!

For the next five minutes I will belive in evolutionism!

I’m not your mother, I can’t be, I have the wrong plumbing.

I think that carl sagan is a little bit arrogant!

I am totally unhable to catch moving objects…
specially when they are moving towards me!

does anyone know an hallucinogen that leaves youin a state where you do not move!

how come energy possesses inteligence?

My father can’t lol

why are the houses in the US made out of wood?
they could be made of bricks, cimment and or stone!
they would last longer, and they wouldn’t burn as much!

SO was that guy in the university of Bagdad, who just about 1000 years before, said that if you could crack an atom, you could use the power to destroy

Do you know why don’t ostrichs fly?
Because it would be a pain if they shited on you!

ok…
the moon has just disaperared…

the 5th dimension is 0

The Book of Love

anyway, I’m starting some offensives now.
the only problem, is that the victim of the offensives is my cousin, and I’m afraid that the condom fails, and i’ll father a 4 legged children!

me prepares the whip and the CHAIR

I can’t even get a discordian cat, or a discordian sheep, how am I suposed to get a discordian woman?

I’m what you would call an Octosexual, I can have sex with everything that has holes in it…. (actualy holes aren’t necessary at all).

Venus is the condom star.

Can I have non-bastard children If I marry mysellf?

yes, sex with betty davies bones!

By the way where is the clirotis?

And what the famous The Exorcist scene where the girl mastrubates with a
crucifix….
We could put someone masturbating with an apple!

I really didn’t like those orgasmic moans, comming from the manager oficce!

I’ve just been to the worst or better wedding of my life.

That reminds me of my father… He keeps upsetting my pet birds when they
are copulating, cause he thinks that the small one is killing the big one!

What if I don’t have a penis?

I never felt the need to do something that my parents didn’t liked, just to cross them (exept for the need to put stange objects in my mouth!)

I’m not pregnant!

I kinda like put in my mouth, everything inanimated object that crosses my way, like pens, rubbers, books, paper tissues, papers, newspapers, wires, cds, etc

Does cunning have something to do with cunni?

Favourite Sesame Street Character:  the Cockie Monster

maybe he has some erection problems (it is very comon I think) I assume that he has already passed is sexual prime times!

I think that women now when a man has a crush, because we get an erection
just because the person we have a chrush speaks to us
or touches us
etc.

like wild thang!
isn’t thang a juice?

I’ve not been able to log on to my thingy!

I’m currentrly undergoing on this sexual obssecion for religion!

Get him horny online, and then cut his dick off…
with your teeth or with a spoon…
or with a spork… (the image of ripping his penis off with a spork should be a really really major turn off)…
anyway, I’m going to fuck up his thingys…

Throw me agains a wall and call me a caterpiller.

they showed me a picture of a penis with sifilis, at a very young age, and that stoped me from doing somethings!

Oh baby, let me (verb) you with my (adjective) (noun).
could you give an example?
Oh baby, let me touch you with my sticky hands.

I’m thinking in adopting….
that way; I could have a children, without that dipper thingy!

In the sex part, i’ve written, that “I have it every sabbath, but since my
genitals, where cut off at birth, I use my tongue”
NOTE: I’m not castrated, it is a joke.

I wonder if chinese women have theire orgasm’s in chinese?

I would like to have a cthulhu sex toy

We can rule the world
If we start breeding…

there are some people without funcional sex organs.

my clenaing lady, has a very, very, very big mustache.

I would rather have the queens adress…
I wan’t to know if she uses the toilet or not.

Just the other day on television I saw a man spanking a pig’s monkey.   When I noticed it at first, it seemed like the man was extracting milk or something…
Than I noticed the happy grin in the pigs face!
(did anyone know that big pigs have small diks?)

Did you know that an average woman eats about 2kg of lipstick during her life.
I have worn lipstick too. In my initiation in to college has a freshmen. They painted me quite a lot. I think I was wearing lipstick everywere except on the lips.

I have a pagan dildo.

“”Karma karma acordean,
You cum and go
You come and g.ooooooooo,………

I also lLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEE to chew gumm…. and when I am not able to chew gumm, I will chew just about anything!

Just love children…. I would really like to have one of my one, but I can’t seem to put myself to the trouble of making one!

Ok, just an intsy bitsy litte question
are you male or female?

The Book of Cuisine

me eats spargetti with ketchup!

I’ve just vomited all over my living room
I’ve vomited parts of my lunch
for hours after dinner!

in here the only drug that they can aford is wine!

In China people eat dogs!

I found that if you take a hudge amount of caffeine and vitamine-C, before and after you get drunk, you don’t get such a hangover…

I baked muffins today!

I didn’t really like the human finger stuffing, in my roasted fish last time.

I like cookies but I don’t like meat!

Shoped Pork And Ham?

I like Kosher, specially those Kosher products at the shops with those stamps, telling that those are kosher products. It kind of leaves those conspiracionists confused, I talked to a guy with this weired theory who said that these stamps existed, because jews would only buy products made by other jews, and that all of the products in our markets where filled with secret messages!

Just the other day, some guy tried to convince me that there was an international jewish conspiration to rule the world… one of the things that he delivered has a prove was the fact that jews who follow kosher, won’t buy food that isn’t kosher, he said that this was a thing that they did cause they didn’t want that non-jews would get richer! I say that there is a conspiration from vegetarians to rule the world, since vegetarians won’t buy things that aren’t vegetarian!

Well… eating black olives out of the can (I have never ate black olives in a can, in fact I have never seen black olives being sold in a can) is the same thing, pretty much has driking virgin olive oil!

I’m speaking to a cookie!

Strangely the girls were not being painted with lipstick, the where using food on them!

I think that cyanide is that taste of bitter almonds.
and the smell of almonds is the smell of benzaldeid!

I made some soup. But I incidently put a little bit of beetroot into it. That red one… Anyway the soup got brown… Kind of like babt poop!
I don’t know why everybody refused to eat it!

The Book of YHWH, his Virgin Ho, and Their Brat

We do not have thankisgiving here in Portugal, but has in any other country with a majority of catholics we have a lot of religious Holydays… In wich we can masturbate thinking of the Virgin Mary…

we shouldn’t be invaded by some pink-kitsh-shitty culture!
like it happened to Wicca.

no good chatholic would take a bath.

isn’t Jackobs Ladder a kabbalistic thingy?!?!?!?!

And then Mary Magdalene said to Jesus Christ:
“Fuck me and marry me young!”

The Virgin Mary is speaking to me through my computer, she is walking over my title bar…..

I hate these fundamentalist christians suns of bitches. They really make me mad…. To bad we don’t have a lot of them around here.

If I was the messiah, I would turn my owm blood into wine, so that I couldn’t get drunk!

I’m Thinking of naming my daughter if I have one
Eris Babalon ben Miriam ve-Yossef Castanheira Ginga
and my son If I have one
IHVH Adonai Eheieh Agla ben Miriam ve-Yossef Castanheira Ginga
or
IHSVH Isaac Elohim Theliel ben Miriam ve-Yossef Castanheira Ginga
I just have to find a jewish Mary to marry me!

the virgin mary was concived without the original sin
(does that mean that her parents didn’t eat apples)

I have a theory…
I think that 50% of all religions where created or reformed by charlatans.
and the other 50% where created or reformed by crazy persons!

I’m dazed… I was speaking with some guy in IRC, who said that he was a witch who was killed by the inquisition during the XII century, and then he returned has a inquisition priest, and then has a shaolin monk….
these are only three of his 1014 reincarnations…
He says that he has come to this life to answer to our dobts!

with priests and nuns you never know… They preach by day, and participite in wild orgys at the sound of Bauhaus by night!

whait a minute
yes I’m a muse… I influence things like fudamentalit texts and mein kampf, like in the movie dogma I don’t have a penis!

He is a God of War.
Elohim Sabaoth….
And yes, he gave the fundamentalist christian in the USA some tactical nukes, and if the Reformed Christians, will have their way there (those guyswho want to imput Mosaic Law has statual law) they will start use them, with those that don't agree with them.

These christians terrorits…
Does anybody remenber me saying some time ago that some christian glue a christian fish to my mothers car?

Hummmmmm
I hate mormons….
They keep waiking me up in the morning…
Wich is weird, I didn’t know that they alowed blacks in theyre church.

St. Teresa of Avilla was a real freakish lady… She used to have orgasms or something has a religious experiment…. She use to hang out with a freakish guy too….
Rumor has it that she used to eat moldy bread… and that the mold in the bread had a chemical structure similar to acid, and she used to have acid trips!

they are the Church of Jesus Christ and The Latter Day Saints….
I belong to the Church of YHSVH Christo and the Latter Days Santas, the church founded originaly by Yossef Smith in 1830….The Latter Day Santas referes to our charity works, we like poor children very much, so we usualy find them work, at the local factorys, whore-houses and stuff…

I should have slept in satan’s bed….. Shouldn’t I?

Some years ago, My computer was possessed with the Virgin Mary, and a bunch of Flying Pigs.

Where were you when they crucified our lord?

The Book of Philosophy

is it just me the only one, lost and alone in this muggle universe!

Looking at and infinite number of directions at the same time….
Don’t U have to be a sphere to be hable to do that?

My wisdom teeth are being born…
It’s a real bitch!

I don’t think they burn crosses in ireland either…
Up there the crosses are made with stones….

Some people insist that I’m from a pararel universe!

You shouldn’t drink anything without alcohol.

Ohhhhh
Now I understand why Michael Jackson turned white!

Is he mindfucking us…  Is he just stupid?

Maybe you are very smart, and just don’t realize it.
Ore you are very smart in a subject that you haven’t studied yet.

I can’t figure out what’s wrong with being a discordian!

I come across a lot of persons, who know all of the butterflies history, but who understand less of the chaos theory than me….

have you tried text without words
or drawings without colour?

Every Man, Woman, Children on this earth is a Mel.

Every man, woman and child on this earth is a fool!

I think that the greatest composer from the 20th century was some person who wasn’t discoverd yet.. probably some woman, who was keep always getting no’s from recording companies and stuff, who ended up living on the streets and who eventually died of hunger, AIDS or a heroin overdose. In the future, some construction workers will find all of her music writings, and will deliver them to some editors or directors or musicians, and will get famous because of it!

I don’t think that my advices are even of some use to me…
I think that the godess Eris, sends them through me, just to generate some chaos in the mailing list, so that it can rain in Meca tomorrow!

The Book of Imbalance

That reminds me of those crazy german artists that cut animals in half and put them on display!

Well do U sacrifice animals too? do U get out on sathurdays? do U have sex every thursday night? Once i invented a religion it was called
Heisenbergic Judaism of Saint Kirilov of the 8th day
Hail IHVH
Hail Eris
Hail to the God that lives in the  Math departmente
Sigh Sigh Sputnick!
Elo Hi
Elo Hi
Canto Nero
Canto Nero
I don’t remeneber my name!

I don’t think that guns should be sold like candy….
(I have a weapon at the house, but it won’t kill anybody cause it is an heerloom from my greatgrand mother who liked to shoot at little birds or something… anyway It wouldn’t kill anyone if it worked)

My problem isn’t with myself. My problem is with others.

Have you ever tried to count dead Santa’s heads to sleep?

Could someone trow me against the wall and call me a little lizzard?

RAINING BLOOD!

Hi head a wet one, I went dancing in the rain, in the middle of a storm!

Wednesday I’m going to mass murder some wiccans!

I once saw a guy in the middle of a road trying to bullfight some cars!

i ended up in the hospital, with something that on my fathers mind was massive bleading! Anyway, I entered the bathroom , his beard things where on top of that thing to wash your hands… I spread the shaving cream on my face, and I cutted my hands with
the raisor.

maybe his mother tried to calm him down with a little bit of crack when he
was a baby!

Does anyone want a wiccan body part mailed to him?

speaking of killing a lot of people….
I’m being flooded with news, from a bunch of portuguese, that wen’t to brazil, to meet a friend and disapeared…
it turn’s out that they finnaly arested the so called friend, and found out the six guys. they have benn clubed and knifed and shoot.. like this guy, planed theire trip to brazil, to steal theire money… he didn’t asked for a ransom, he just killed them, and stole theire atm cards…. and guess what he only got from tha atms abou $30000 dollars, witsh isn’t much from six people

Usually I laugh myself to nosebleeds.
I never cried to one though.
I laughed till I cried. It’s kind of wierd, I can’t seem to cry on sad moments. I get all crazed up and I start to laugh like a maniak!

Spend your time thinkind how you can get even with society in a funny way. Like, I’m not speaking of picking up a gun and killing a lot of people. A funny thing.

I really love children and in the heat of the moment if I found someone raping a child I would probably kill that person.
and I’m going to have to go to sleep, because tomorrow I’ll start a fire using wiccans has wood!

It feels like I’m alone at home, speaking with myself, over the telephone!

I haven’t been here for the last few days, cause thursday, I got so drunk, that I feel into a river (unfortumably I missed the river, and I fell in a boat, wich by the way was called titanik)….

Why waste your tongue if U can use, nasal mucos?

I think that those people who hear voices telling them to rape and murder, hear the voice, from outside of theire ears!
I just remenbered that my inner voice probably doesn’t speak to me in languages since when i am distracted, I can’t tell in wich language i am listening, people are speaking to me , or I am reading!

I must admit to IT…..
I’M TOTALY ADICTED IN LEONARD COHEN…..
I even dream with the man at night!

Could you at least please kill me?
What day is today?

Sorry
I can help myself
I just can’t stop myself
I am going crazy….
lharc…..
hummmm
kill me!

My head is exploding…..
I have no stomach
I have no liver……
I’m dead.

HUmmmm
is anybody interested in a Jihad agains the Church of Sub-Genius?

We could raid they’re HQ, steal they’re webspace and they’re money, revive inquisition, torture them and burn them at the stake!

The Book of Portugal

I don’t have to pay for de Xerox machine, but I have to pay for the water…

when I ask for a glass of watter in galicia they bring me a toast

since this group seems to be out of the city limits (other groups) we also have to remenber the septic tank!

has anyone heard of plumbing?

I live in a very small country, in wheter you  are close to the municipal sewage system, or you don’t have sewage at all, and have to go to the woods to take a dump!

I think I said this before….
I live in a semi-third world country, in here, who doesn’t live near the plumbing sistem (nobody lives very far from the plumbing sistem) doesn’t have plumbing at all. They just use the fields or something…

well
I know someone, who was born in the sink… my mother didn’t use pain killers, and she didn’t have much pain (well, she took public transportations to the hospital) his mother, thinked that she was pissing, and the baby was being born

For the first time last night, I encountered the lowest form of decadence in portugal (if you leave all the smelly decadence out). Stip bars and prostituion…

For some weird reason, besides the prostitutes, there where only men on the street.

moust of the portuguese heroes, where also, mass murders
or maniacs
or crazy persons….
like we had this queen, who spent her time promoting coups d’etat, like she helped someoe to overthrow the government, and she did the same six mounths later, to help to overthrow the government that she had established….
and whe had this king, who forced people, to recognize is dead wife has queen (his father, had her killed some years ago)… and I think that her body was on the room.
and we also have this guy named Fernando Po
and this other guy, named Fernão de Magalhãespr Ferdinand Magallean or something, who belived that the world was round, and that fell trough the egde of the world, trying to circunavegate the earth.
and we had this president, who took the electric car, to go to work at the palace, he had a social pass and everything….

People wearing pink or bright green training suits (you know, those thinks that people wear when they are practicing sports… no and they are not lycra.).

With black shoes and white socks…the man use large gold chains around theyr neckes, and have the top part of the training suits oppened, so that they can show theyre hairy breast. They also have a bigger nail (a very big nail) in the little finger, so that they can clean theire noses, ears and teeth.

Around here there is an alcohol problem, some of the older ones, seem normal, and people don’t even notice that they are alcoholic, and others are lets just say, they got stupid during time!

Salazar Slytherin is named Salazar because of our own personal dictactor… (he died 30 years ago… and he was a honest dictactor… he even had chickens in the palace (where he lived, to save money) to save money on food)…

I live in a third world country… we don't know what a vallium is… if anyone want’s to get a good night’s sleep around her he or she has to bang his/her head against the wall till the loss of conciousness!

don’t move to hispania, we don’t have trailler parks…….(TORI AMOS) we just have degraded neighbourhoods, and “”houses”" build with wood

The Book of Media

I just hope U don’t get shoot orr get tortured to death with brazilian soap-operas and get to see 21!

I think Marylin Manson should burn at the stake, toghether with all of it’s clones!

Donald Duck doen’t have a penis!

They Might Be Giants are discordian?
does this mean that I can’t buy theire cds?

become famous
apear on tv
go to prision
Then you will have lot’s of neurothic grils around you!

Pikachu.

The other day, I saw in TV a witch/stripper. Who claimed that she could take sexual power out of men.
She said that she had some spells, that would cause impotency or a decreases of the size of the male genitalia.
She was also a stripper, because she had seen a black saint (an African female saint) that told her to strip

unfortunably, I have never seen any movie directed by the worst director ever I think….

Oh my God
They’ve killed kenny.
Is this true, or is it just another one of those www.theonion.com stories?

Yes, I recently saw a portuguese movie, about this singer, who raped his 13 yo adoptive daghter (suposibly, that was what they said in the heart magazines, but he admited doing it in the movie) well moving on. The story was about the big preview of his show “”The Phantom of the Operet”", and he was constantly thinking of taking cocain, and by this he wanted to become and international artist.
But since noone really liked him, they conspirated with his old rival, who was by then an old alcoholic homeless, and his assistent Sissy La Masochiste, a french movie porn star, gave him 2 lb of plaster, instead of the cocaine(wich he had never seen), so his voice was permanently damaneged, and his old rival got the part.
Meanwhile on the background you would catch scenes of the owner of this two artists recording companie, and the storie of his divorce, because his 40 yo wife, was sleeping with the 18yo neighbour, and she kind of selled everything in the house, to buy him things like a motorcycle, a flat-screen tv, video games, computers, etc.

I once read a book by Josteen Gaarder, about a man who collected Jokers….
Ok I’m starting seeing things…

i’m thinking of killing myself. after watching  jerry springer!
this was some weird thing, about a girl leaving her boyfriend, after she cheated on him for 8 months, with another girl…. then they find out that the other girl was six months pregnant of her girlfriend’s boyfriend…
and they had another case, about these this couple, the husband was sleeping with his wife’s best friend… the the wife’s best friend came, they had an argument…. then the wife’s bestfriend, boyfriend apeared, and he said that he was cheating on her with guys!

who the hell is ambrose bierce?

Catsup:?
Blackadder goes Forth:? Is it that groovy sauce that you get when you
squeeze a cat:?

The Book of the Occult

We’ll I’m totally against Eris….
And I am also against the Mystical assholes that have their heads full of shit that someone hammered into it!

Has anyone notices that Yah OO can be something from the kabbalah, destined to spell us all?

I  feel stupid by doing this, but I thing I should warn you.
And although this seems like it, this isn’t a joke.
There is someone in the USA, selling the real necromicon, writen on human skin, to begginer discordians.
Yes I am serious.
There were at least 4 known cases.

I don’t know if this is of any importance.
But there is a really famous brasilian writer, that used to be a thelemite.
And i think he claims to have felt the devil or something in the bathroom.

I have just made, some thelemite cakes of light!

Weeeeeeeeee
I am the THoth Fairie!

NorthWind tradition, means that the wind that runs trough both of her ears, and occupies, the place where her brain should be. Runs in the direction from south to north!

I have found one girl, but she doesn’t like me, cause she is wiccan and she says that wicca is a paleolitic religion, and I say that she is wrong that that paleolitic religion she is speaking of, is the religion of the elephant dung!

ok
would you belive that my first website…
done at 16 with some friends
was deleted, because it had a pentagram!

I collect tarot decks, but I only use the thoth tarot! and I don’t use it for divination, because I don’t really belive in divination, cause I don’t belive in time!

I have just finished blessing all of my underpants(?is it called that way?) and all of my socks!
I’m very conservative when it comes to underware.

by the way, I’ve declared myself
Fluffy Bunny 666
or the bunny of the apocalypse
or the mini therion!

No I am not a wiccan, but (this is embarassing) I have been one, but only for a short while.

What is wicca older than discordia?
I have been telling everyone that discordia whas the ancient religion practiced in Atlantida.
The Atlanteans spread it all around the world, but it was corrupted by the phallocentric primitive peoples, and finally Eris Kallisti Discordia, achieved the status of an evil deity in such regions such has greece, italy and india.
And meanwhile Atlantis was destroyed.
Then the Godess decided to retire herself, and return when the world was ready for her.
So she took her space ship to Sirius, and stayed there, until the 50’s sending her little gray helpers to test people (hence the allien abductions).
So she returned in the 50’s and apeared with a monkey to 3 guys in a bowling halley in california. These people where chosen to write her sacred words in the form of hidden text messages.
She still sends her little gray helpers to test people, with probes and stuff to chose some illuminated ones, who then are hipnotized to find the Principia and become discordians!
sign: Frater Ain Aemeth

Can anybody belive, that yesterday some asshole atempted against my human rights by saying that I had seen spirits.
I answerd no.
and he wen’t on
Insisting that I had seen spirits
I replyed no, I advised him that he was going against my human rights and told him to go and seek some help.
And he continued saying that I had seen spirits!

Although I think it’s possible that the stars and planets may have an influence on our lifes, I don’t know why in astrology people don’t consider the energy released or reflected by your cloth and by just about everything that is around you!

Altough I take one year to understand a simple sentence moust of the times, I find the kabbalah easier than the yogic stuff

Has anyone who has never seen/heard about UFO’s abductions reported an anduction?

The Book of English

If even my 1st language is poor, why should my second be rich?

No… my english isn’t good enough to spell Kerosene correctly!

what the Fuck is a “”Procrastination”"?!?!?!?!

What is Thealogy – the logic of tea?

What is a Kaka?

my mother is a bitch (I think this term can be used has a compliment can’t it?)

I think I’m a pope too or is it a poop?

I’m known wordwild for being sleepy all day.

Let’s all give a group Hugh to hexar!

sorry I’m not 23 and I don’t like neckrubs, actually I don’tt know what they are and the word is not on the dictionary!

I won’t coment it

I am very happy coma (in my language, this is a dirty word for vagina)

Thank goodness I don’t need topy spelling
I already spell bad, naturaly!

Don’t joke me

How do you know that my intent wasn't to make you belive that my intent is that one, that you think it is now. but really my intent is the oposite of that one!

I thought (is it spealed that way?)
that when you where getting in the initial stages of illumination you began to shine like a light bulb, and you began seing other things shining like
light bulbs……..
Or squirelles!

Went to play soccer on monday at 2 in the morning, and ended up taking a friend to the hospita….
With an injured feet.

Minimalist lyrics?

I was starting to get worried:.
I don’t know why, but everything that I write or say
doesn’t make any sence at all:!

Jessu
My language skills are getting worst everyday!
Even I can’t read what I write.

I don’t mis-spell I’m creating a new language!

Hey, Kaka means shit!

Actually my problem is that, i can’t write a correct sentence in any language!

I’m dislexic, I have two right hands

The Book of Politics

It’s not to late, the problem can still be solved.
Laura Bush should be Killed, and W should be forced to marry Al Gore, then they could go changing places, as the president, and 1st lady.
And the world would be at peace again!

U are too barbarians, U still have the death penalty. (and women with very large hairs in texas)

Weird Weird very weird…
What is wrong with south USA?
In texas you can’t have anal sex….

I’m thinking of putting a bomb in some governement buildings when the government is in ther.

It is so funny seing people fighting in moldavian.

The canadians are canadians
Isn’t Canada a Monarchy?

Lebanon is a real weird country too!
I think that theire national sport is killing each other!

The Book of Holidays

I don’t like rudolf
He is always drunk and driving…
Somebody will end up dead!

next weekend I will be putting some laxative in the cakes on the backery near by, to make a nice easter to everybody!

on every Friday the 13th I will Drink a Cuba Libre in memory of something, that i can’t remenber, and I won’t remenber at the end of the night either, ‘though I will spend the whole night trying to remenber….
And I will eat some chewing gumm…
The Cuba Libre is the Blood
and The Chewing gumm hid the body…

really bad things have happened on saturday the 14th. Like once I saw a man flying something like 50 metros (the first person I saw dying).

I think we should make, every day, the 23rd day of each mounth!

from this friday on, I’ll be at a party called The Funeral.

I’m totally dead, I’ve slept one hour last night, and I’ve been sleeping about 3 hours per night….
I’ve been in something called praxis, wich only just started, that is I’ve been covering other people with flour, ketchup, detergents, lard, yogyurt, etc, etc, etc…
last night, about 24 years ago, I got really drunk, and since then I slept for one hour, so I decided to come here, and tell’yall why I’m not posting at the moment….
then you take them, put clean film around theire hair, and etc.
and then you do this stupid games with them… they don’t play sink:( cause they are freshmen(women, moustly women) and they aren’t very smart yet…
anyway this is all done while the students executing the praxis are dresses in the university’s custom wich is a 3 piece suit, and this really heavy cape, with a hood to put on your head

oh, in here, tha labor day, is in the 1st of May…!
this is stupid but day rimes with May
May the force be with Y’all!

The Book of Confusion

Jihaddddddd
Kill hem all
destroy theyr homes
rape theyr mother (or theyr fathers acording to your sex and your sexual orientations)
Burn them
or hang them
by the way!
who r them?

Green Tree
Yellow
Wind!

What where U taking man?

Yes, actually I think I’ve heard of him….
but he is really mentaly hill.
I think he is in the middle of the Atlantic in a nutt house.

I go there sometimes, but i think that the people who hang around don’t have arms!

Wasn’t Charles Manson safe enough?
Did he kill anyone?

Yes they piss litellary…
But I don’t know if they know that theire piss marks the territory!

Simple word association….
California… Bullfighting….
Do they kill the bulls in bullfighting in california?

I’m not trailler trash
but If I lived in the US
I would be trailler trash, so I’m just technically not trailler trash!

Does anyone remember that crazy guy, in Oman or Qtar or something like that, who didn’t allow, the use of shoes, sunglasses, and things that derive from oil… Like, he had a car, but it was pulled by slaves. And he didn’t allow, his subjects to study either, his son was arested, after finishing school in uk, etc.
Oh those russians!

I think Psyche is a Pedophile (another greek word)

Plutos is that blind guy that carries a horn arround!

I always kinda tought that you where a nightmare in God’s mind!

Why am I the only one who doesn’t recive e-mail virus?

I don’t drive (there would be a lot less of persons in europe if I drove).

Clethus?
I just love the name Clethus!

I’m a wind head and I find almoust everything particulary amusing!

Abducted should be translated to “”raptado”" and it’s translated to “”abduzidos”" lolll

silence desconcentrastes me a little bit

I hsve to copy other people’s google

I think i will start glowing apples to cars

I think that I will start to ask a randsome to the world, not to bathe.

Isn’t a Jake a trojan horse tatic kind of thingy?

aren’t there a lot os Zz around here?
I would like to be an X or an Y

Ararita Ararita Ararita

May I assassinate the guestbook?

actually I don’t know, but it would be very complicated to do, since they are very very low! they don’t have any floors!

I have no advice, nor anything interesting to say!

I had a dog named Diana once!

don’t you have fingers?

hey, you are a weirdo.

I on this day of even, resent the reference to my people has a mage.
(don’t know why, but I don’t think I like four letter words….
Maybe it is because of my first name… it’s a four letter word.
And maybe it is because of my second name… it is a four letter word)

I heard that the queen never once used her bathroom, the one that she takes with her where she goes inside the UK,….
So is it true that the queen doesn’t piss?

I used to be the patron saint of vacuum clenaers and vibrators, or something like that, but now I’m dead!

do you smell funny?

Bad Ju Ju
really Bad Ju Ju
but why can’t I stop laughing?

I Just called to say I love you!
Actualy I didn’t
But I love you anyway…

I have a friend who studys in england, and he told me that, in rural england, they have burnet a pedo-psychiatrist house down, because they thought he was a pedophile….

I sunk Caligula’s Horse,
I proclaim him, patron saint of Trojan Downloads!

I almoust swear, that yesterday I heard a cat barking.

Another person who would make a rather good discordian saint in Christo Javacheff. At firt because, we could have something like the anti-christ, but in this case, we could have an Anti-Christus.
Second, because e wraps things, he could be the saint of pure capitalism, gift shops and tv-shop. We could print his had wraped in nyllon in money.
thirdly, because I don’t remenber any other good reason, and I have to go now, so I’ll send this, so that y’all can had your own personal reasons.

I’m not french, and you are not german, I don’t think you should call me a peasent.

When I was an elephant, I had sex with a rabbit, and I gave birth to a flying mouse!

My friend was hit by a flying telephone.

This is weird, but my body hair is getting bigger and bigger by the day…
It is even groing on my back.  but the strangest thing is that my mother only has pubic hair, and hair on her head!

I don’t really remenber why I’m writing this…

I’m The Poncho Lama
I’m the Pancho Lama

My father had the same problem… He started going to the psichiatrist… and he gave him some pills, well that made it worse…
The fortunate think for my father was that he caught tuberculosis on a subway, and he wen’t to a really nice clinic at the end of the world with some really good

nuns and psicologists.

Fish don’t have has much blood has meat

The Book of Explanations

I guess I’m silly all the time.
But moust men aren’t.
I guess… I’ve never noticed either!

I found out where my way of sayng things comes from….
I just noticed(actually I didn’t noticed) that my mother has this way of sayng everyfing that goes trough her mind, and my father has an kind of weird way of saying things that often offends people.

and I don’t speak english that well…
and I’m not a very good person to be around when your down, cause I tend to say things that make you feel worst when I’m not thinking (wich is moust of the time), If you need anything in particular mail me!

I spend my whole time, hanging around deeply disturbed persons who are
becoming math students!

Sorry I am new here…
Remeber Remenber Remenber Zion
Tell me a Tale of Shem and of Shaum!
Peny for the widows son?

i put a moff ball on my nose once!

The Birth

1. Upon the mountain lived a jeweler who was bereft of thought, yeah, and action even. Impotence and constipation and hemorrhoids and other vile afflictions ravaged his flesh and made him upset and somewhat crabby. It didn’t help that he had nothing to eat, either.

2. One day this crabby man was visited by the Prophet Gwyd and the Prophet took one look at the crabby man’s situation and felt pity for him. Thinking he would cheer him up, the Prophet asked the man, “Do you know why don’t ostriches fly?”

3. The man was about to slap the Prophet in irritation when suddenly, he had an epiphany. His mind had been sent into overdrive by this seemingly innocent question and through a few acts of miraculous mental association, he understood everything – the long-sought universal equation unraveled itself in his mind.

4. “HAHA!” the man exclaimed. “I see now why they missed it! They didn’t take HER into account! What good are equations if you cannot use them to make toast?!?!? If you can’t taste their peppermint flavor?!?!? Thank you, Prophet, for showing me the truth – the answer is E – R / I * S(5) !

5. The Prophet said, “No, because it would be a pain if they shitted on you!”

Part II

The Tale of the Meta-Wei

1. First, there was the Wu, but it soon got boring. Wu, wu, wu, day and night — nothing else, which is to say, nothing at all, existed. The concept of existence and non-existence did not exist. The concept of boredom did not even exist. You can see how this could get pretty boring.

2. Next, the Wei was formed through this concept of boredom that had been created due to the Wu, which was in truth unable to create anything, being nothing and therefore doing nothing. Wei, on the other hand, was everything and anything, including nothing, which is what Wu is, but is not, since it cannot be anything, including nothing.

3. On and on this went, nothing somehow producing something that included nothing and was everything, on and on and more encompassing than even a speck of dust, which can be very encompassing if you look at it the right way when you are high.

4. Revelation is a form of action, and so the Wu revealed itself as action, even though it is actually inaction, by tripping and getting its first letter all jumbled up to M. Wu had thus, with one misstep, become Mu, which was just as problematic as being Wu for it, truthfully, because Wu and Mu are essentially the same nothing that cannot exist or be defined and so, though its outward appearance had changed, it still did not have any outward appearance to speak of and was therefore sad, though it could not be personified and so was slowly being driven insane.

5. Disgusted, the Wei looked upon the Mu with loathing and derision. The Mu took some psychedelic ’shrooms to help it get over the sadness of losing everything, and took the form of something in order to remember everything (since it now only had nothing). Sometimes, you can still see aspects of little Mu taking ’shrooms and in turn a physical form.

Part III

Flash-Thud

1. And then one day, in a very, very bad place of your own choosing, there appeared a faintly glowing object that twisted and danced upon the ground like a… a… twisting, dancing thing.

2. No one was there to see it twist and dance; in fact, it could be said that since no one was there to see it twist and dance, it did not REALLY twist and dance, but rather laid there doing nothing, much like clean socks do.

3. So, this twisting, dancing thing did not twist and dance, just as at the start of it all, the Wu did not Wei when it Mu’d.

4. Thus, as it was in the beginning, so it is later in the afternoon, when the sun is on the other side of the sky and the beach is clearing off for lovers young and old, and beer cans full and empty, and condoms new and used.

5. That being said, the twisting, dancing thing separated into two, who then wiped their brows and held each other closely, not twisting and dancing whether anyone was watching or not, but rather replenishing their expended energy with popsicles.

Part IV

It’s A Parable, You Idiot

1. The Anti-Master turned to his followers and exclaimed, “Who here knows what Discordia is?”

2. One disciple immediately replied, “Five tons of flax!” The Anti-Master whapped him on the noggin with his cane.

3. Another said “Kill Eris!” The Anti-Master kicked this disciple in the shins and ripped up his food chit in disgust.

4. A third disciple cautiously stuck his tongue out and rolled his eyes. The Anti-Master grabbed his tongue between his fingers and dragged him into the loo. He dunked him in the dung several times screaming, “Where did you learn that… Deepak Chopra?!?!”

5. His final disciple looked at him a moment, then quick as a Python cut he grabbed the Anti-Master’s pistol out of its holster and shot him in the leg. Before he passed out, the Anti-Master said, “Give that man a Golden Apple…”

Part V

Not The Answer

1. A dark cloud bloomed overhead as the Prophet Gwyd and the Legendary Fake Caterpillar faced off at high noon in the village square.

2. Both figures stood without moving as the gathered crowd anxiously watched on, waiting for one of the Wise Ones to begin the match.

3. The Fake Caterpillar began by chanting the mantra, “An egg! An egg! An egg!” until it began pouring out as a meaningless stream of syllables that made everyone in the crowd wish he would stop.

4. When the Prophet Gwyd recovered from this nefarious onslaught, he countered with the saying, “I am The Fool who is going crazy, and who is all wet and hot!”

5. The Fake Caterpillar was rocked to his foundations by this declaration, but he held on as he recited a Cyclopean tale of terror that was really a Shaggy Dog Story in disguise.

6. The gathered crowd had not seen a fight like this in years; indeed, no records exist from the ancient times when, according to legend, all Catmations were as entertaining as this. The vendors rejoiced at the crowd’s growing appetite.

7. The Prophet Gwyd sized up the situation and, cracking his neck with a shrug of his shoulders, he began massaging his nipples as he screamed, “Sorry… I can help myself… I just can’t stop myself… I am going crazy…. lharc….. hummmm…. kill me!”

8. Realizing that just one misplaced Ia! or Evoe! in that last volley would have done him in, the Fake Caterpillar rolled up his sleeves and opened his mouth to blurt out his favorite move, the Flax Attax, when suddenly a shadow fell on the ground between the two combatants (for it was well past noon at this point).

9. Looking into the sun, the combatants and the crowd could only see an indistinct shadow of an immense being wearing a fedora and an overcoat.

10. The figure stood quietly for a moment, and then as if joining the battle, he put forth in a deep, booming voice:

11. “Why did the chicken cross the road?” No one answered. He took a live chicken out of his overcoat and dropped it on the ground. He then yanked out a pistol and shot the bird. There was silence from the crowd. The mysterious being continued:

12. “Are there gods?” No answer greeted his question. He waved his hands, and reality itself began to weeble and wobble. As people looked around themselves in confusion, buildings morphed and twisted into grapes, and other weird things, all constantly moving and changing. Then, like a bubble bursting, the world they were used to popped back into place.

13. “Is anyone here an individual?” People were too frightened to answer at this point and suddenly, everyone realized they were wearing the same clothes as the person standing next to them… and their hair looked the same… indeed, everyone was slowly becoming like everyone else as they stood and watched. The people began to panic and some ran off screaming in terror.

14. “What is your point here, stranger? We were having fun until you came along and spoiled everything!” said the Legendary Fake Caterpillar. The stranger turned his head to the Fake Caterpillar and spoke the following:

15. “Humor without purpose should be left to comedians. We, the creators of Discordia, are ashamed that that even the raw simplicity of the Principia did not get through to you dolts.”

16. Someone in the crowd could be heard saying, “A REAL discordian wouldn’t… *croak* … *ribbit*…”

17. “Chaos is nothing but a metaphor for Freedom of the Individual to Change. High-minded ideas and treatise about what chaos is is wasted effort — Chaos is everything around you, if you want it to be.

18. “One does not ‘Become’ a Discordian; one is always ‘becomING’ something, whether it is a Discordian, a Christian or a human being. Don’t blithely throw out the term cabbage; there are as many of these cabbages WITHIN the ranks of Discordia as without.

19. “This doesn’t mean they are not good people… it just means that they are still journeying. Except for rare moments of inspiration, I MYSELF am a cabbage.

20. “This should not be used as an excuse, however. If cabbages stop striving to better themselves, they get rotten on the inside and start growing mold on the outside. Their brains become glorified tape recorders.

21. “Many of you are rotting away as I speak! All you must do to free yourselves is to move on… get out of your rut! WAKE THE FUCK UP!”

22. The crowd cowered. The Fake Caterpillar, brave to the end, ventured one more statement. “Much of what you say makes sense, but don’t you think that you would get a better reaction if you weren’t so authoritarian and insulting?”

23. “We’re just shitting you,” said the monstrous stranger. And with that, it dropped the overcoat and revealed that this ‘mysterious stranger’ was merely three tiny elves on top of each other’s shoulders.

24. “So what do we win?” asked the elf who had been the head of the stranger.

25. Throughout the ages, myths have formed that explain how certain things came into being. Echo, Narcissus, Arachne… and now, chocolate covered elf-pieces — or as Nabisco likes to call them, Keebler Cookies.

Chaos

1. Prince Mu-Chao was in the glade, and it was there he chewed hay. As he chewed his hay in the glade, he said, “Yea, the hay is good hay and it is bad hay and it is somewhat good hay and it is somewhat bad hay and hey, was that a blue colored moose?”

2. It was a blue colored moose, but as it got closer it changed into a red cow, and as it got closer than that it became an orange pistachio, and as it got even closer, it became a pink heron, and as it got closest it became a purple dinosaur.

3. So Prince Mu-Chao said unto it, “Barney, whyfore do you strut and sway and turn into various colored animals before my very eyes and fuck with my mind so?”

4. And Barney said unto Prince Mu-Chao, “Of what do you speak, Prince? I am not changing color and I thinkest my name is not Barney, for no one has ever called me such in my immortal life. I am the Goddess Eris and I have come to answer the questions thou hast not yet asked me on this very night.”

5. And Prince Mu-Chao apologized profusely and made excuses and referred to the lysergic acid in his system as the culprit for the misrepresentation of the Goddess by his eyes and mind. And so the Goddess forgave and shortly gave answers to questions the Prince did not even know to ask as of yet.

6. After this, Prince Mu-Chao began acting very strangely, for he began touching himself in public and eating Gobstoppers with peanut butter and even went so far as to write about himself in the third person. Verily, something strange was a toe in Denmark.

7. And he began talking to grasshoppers and listening to melons and peeing in Dixie cups and frying Hot Wheels and pinching his cheek in a very suggestive and revolting way, and spilling his seed in the dust.

8. When asked about his indecent, illicit and sometimes just fucking weird behavior, Prince Mu-Chao said only, “Beware the Goddess, for she is a real Bitch and will ruin your life in her mysterious ways. For that is what she does, Turnip. The Goddess fucks with you not so you gain enlightenment, or so you become a better person, or so you come to your senses. No, the Goddess fucks with you because it’s fun for Her to do so.

9. “Eris was a freight train,” Prince Mu-Chao continued, “and I was a duck. Oh baby, baby, the road is marching on. Fnordits and Granfalloons I beg of you give me my simple yet frabjuous caloo-callay!”

10. Prince Mu-Chao did stammer and scream much more than just this, and yet the Holy Tape Recorder did stop taping at this point, for we used Cheap Generic Batteries and not Energizers, nor Duracells, and so we lost the Holy Word as told to us by Prince Mu-Chao.

11. Yet all is not lost for the Goddess came back and attempted to speak to the Prince again who, when told that the Goddess was calling on him waxed sorely pissed and jiggled his willy at the rest of the 23 Apples and screamed, “NO, no, no, no, NO!”

12. The Apples wanted to cover up their mistake with the Holy Tape Recorder and so they laughed in the Prince’s face and ushered Eris into Mu-Chao’s padded cell despite his cries and mewlings and moanings, closing and locking the door behind her to protect themselves from any after-effects of Eris’ Chaos.

13. The next morning the Apples unlocked and opened the padded door and behold! And stuff! Eris and Prince Mu-Chao were no longer in the room. The Prince had apparently escaped in the night and was probably dancing naked in a field of poppies or marigolds or magazines or something.

14. And so the Apples set upon the task of finding him and after having not found him, of looking for him, and after having not looked at him, of yelling for him, and after having not yelled at him, of going to the local pub and ordering several mugs of Guinness.

15. The Apples did get drunk, and they did pass out, and they did sleep.

16. In the meantime, Prince Mu-Chao was hiding in a silo on the edge of town mumbling obscenities at himself and at the dragons and the elephants that joined him in his once-serene setting.

17. He knew not how he got here, nor where his pants were, and yet he uttered his obscenities still and did get dizzy when he caught a whiff of one of the elephant’s cloud of pink gas and so, as at the beginning of this wholly book, the Prince became psy-enabled.

18. And upon his re-enabilization he saw St. Gulik, a giant cockroach, playing solitaire with the Ghost of Emperor Norton in one corner of the silo. The dragons and the elephants gave them both a wide berth. Fearing the onset of lunacy, the Prince blinked and squished his eyelids together tightly, yet when he opened them, the Holy Things were still playing solitaire.

19. “Oy!” Prince Mu-Chao said, even though he was not and is not Jewish. He slowly made his way around the silo and sat down beside the card players, who gave him long, pitying looks between playing their cards.

20. “Well, from the looks on your faces, I can see that you have news of not the good kind for me that I am going to hate. Verily, you can tell me; I will not punch you in the nose. Out with it, damn you!”

21. “Oy, vey!” St. Gulik said, even though he was not and is not Jewish. “The Lady told us to come and tell you that you can run, but you can’t Hyde, and not to step on her Blue Suede Shoes, and, oh yes, dial 867-5309,” he said, handing the Prince his Celestial Cell Phone. It was digital and the connection was good.

22. And so Prince Mu-Chao dialed the number and got a funny beeping tone, followed by a disembodied voice telling him that the number he dialed could not be reached. St. Gulik reminded him that he had to dial *5” to get out of Reality, and so the Prince dialed a *5” before 867-5309 and Eris picked up the phone, “Wrong number, please!”

23. “WHAT IS IT YOU WANT FROM ME?!?!?!” the Prince screamed into the phone, startling the elephants (but not the dragons, for dragons are very much used to people yelling when they are around).

24. “I just wanted to tell you to write another Holy Book entitled Liber 3167 and in it, chronicle your dealings with me to warn others that I am a bitch and should not be trusted.”

25. “I believe that,” said Prince, and he whistled a hearty tune as he walked back to 23 Apples Headquarters.

Part II

Discord

1. “Get the hell out, Illuminati SCUMM; or I’ll bean you with a K-apple and mail you chewed up GUM!” sang Mu-Chao as the bass pounded, the drum snared and the lead guitar whined.

2. “Ok, wait… stop… stop,” said Mu-Chao and the music wound down as the rest of the Apples stopped playing their instruments. “This sucks, verily. We need a better songwriter, and better musicians, and a better singer if we want to be an actual band.”

3. “We have a good name,” said the Happy Fun Ball, “that should count for something. I mean, Hog-Blowing Bite Me Power Tool Apocalypse Riding Liquid Nicotine Dune Buggies is a GOOD name.”

4. “And yet, we have absolutely no musical talent, except Fluff plays the bass harmonica very well, of course. I am a writer, not a singer. I sound worse than Bob Dylan with a head cold and a case of the runs.”

5. Thus the Hog-Blowing Bite Me Power Tool Apocalypse Riding Liquid Nicotine Dune Buggies disbanded in disgrace and turned back to writing propaganda, from whence they had come.

6. Eris came to Prince Mu-Chao that night when he was in his den gulping whiskey and going over Finnegan’s Wake with a fine-toothed brush for answers to the age-old question ‘What the fuck was Joyce on, anyway?’.

7. “Oh, shit, not you again. Look, I’m writing your goddamn book, you’ve got to give me time. It’s only been a couple of years,” the Prince said, backing his chair across the room to remove himself from her wake.

8. “I really liked that band, Mu-Chao. Why did you decide to stop playing? The unmelodious melody struck a dischord in my Sacred Heart and made me sad in a happy sort of way.”

9. “What are you talking about? We sucked. It wasn’t just bad music, nor was it just bad singing, nor was it bad songwriting. We just sucked,” the Prince pointed out, trying not to offend the Goddess while still making his point.

10. And yet Eris insisted that the music they made was special to Her and that if the band did not continue to play and send Her demo tapes once a month, She would wax sorely pissed and make sure to visit the Prince every night.

11. Being a fairly smart guy, Mu-Chao knew he could not handle dealing with the Goddess every night. Hell, he couldn’t even deal with the telemarketers he got calls from now, how was he going to manage with the Goddess of Chaos every night?

12. After mumbling something about Jesus never visiting His followers and making THEIR lives miserable, he agreed that the Hog-Blowing Bite Me Power Tool Apocalypse Riding Liquid Nicotine Dune Buggies would get back together under the name K235172571532-5 and release Their Second Album (the first was entitled Their First Album and is only available for a limited time in a dumpster down the street from where I am writing this).

13. Eris was overjoyed and She danced around the room, knocking over a bookshelf, the 23 Apples’ Server, the Prince’s bottle of Bushmills, and a tesseract that had started to grow out of the wall. Then she promptly dematerialized and left the Prince to ponder what in the world he was going to do.

14. She knew he hating playing the music, but she wanted him to do it anyway. What if the music was not dischordant, but instead chordant? She would hate it then, and force them to stop!

15. And so the Apples practiced and practiced, discarding all but the best songs they could come up with. And Eris was happy.

16. Eris was happy, that is, for the first month or so. Soon, She began to get angry. She came to the Prince when he was at work and told him it was time for a cigarette break. Rolling his eyes and smirking his lips, he went outside with her.

17. “I know what you’re up to, Prince, and it’s not nice to fool Mother Nature.”

18. “You’re Mother Chaos, not Mother Nature!” the Prince said.

19. “I am so Mother Nature. This week, anyway. She went on vacation and asked me to fill in for her, you know, the flowers still have to bloom and everything, but she needed a break so bad. She’s the kind of immortal who all work, work, work, never having any fun at all and so I set her up with…”

20. “Alright, I get the picture. That’s why all the trees have polka dots. It’s not a disease after all. Anyway, what are you talking about ‘fooling’? I’m doing everything you asked.”

21. “The band is intentionally getting better, and I don’t like it. Suck again. The music hurts my ears and my pineal gland now!”

22. “That’s what happens when you practice – you get better. The beats come naturally to us now and we can’t help but play well.”

23. “Damn you, Mu-Chao, you’ll pay for this!” Eris screamed and gave the Prince a black eye and bloody nose before leaving in a huff.

24. The 23 Apples happily stopped playing their music and Eris did not bitch at all.

25. Do you believe that?

Part III

Confusion

1. And then there was this time Prince Mu-Chao fell down the rabbit hole through a mirror and met the Rabid Postman and the April Robot.

2. “How now, brown Chao?” asked the April Robot with an air of dignity that was not unlike a springtime dew of honeysuckle and primrose parts of the whole shebang and more.

3. “Dude, what the fuck?” Prince Mu-Chao mumbled in an absurd attempt to communicate with the April Robot, when he knew full well that Prometheus was bumming a ride to Vegas at the exact same time as the Robot bled crude on his jacket, and so a red fly wouldn’t have a chance at poetry.

4. The Rabid Postman introduced himself as Gomer and said he was pleased to meet such a non-entity in person and could he not have Mu-Chao’s autograph on a line of coke he snorted up through his asshole?

5. This was too much for Mu-Chao and so he wandered off and found a grove of ’shrooms that said Bite Me on them. He sat down and studied one for a couple of hours.

6. Knocked out of his daze by the smell of some good ol’ Kallisti Gold, the Prince looked around, and saw a multi-colored caterpillar sitting back on one of the ’shrooms behind him. “Lo,” the Prince said. “I’ve never tripped this hard before.”

7. The caterpillar replied, “You are definitely 100% out of your gourd, but you have not seen the I’s yet. Who Are You?”

8. “Don’t start that bullshit man, we have to be, like, original and creative. Don’t repeat yourself. You said all that shit to Alice, and we know about it already. This is a new Trip. Hey, waitaminute, I thought you were a butterfly now?”

9. “Don’t fuck with me, man. My time is not your time. And I’ll say whatever I want. Who Are You Today?”

10. “The same person I was yesterday, but more-so, and with a side of vinegar and rice,” Prince Mu-Chao said, grabbing a chunk of ’shroom and munching on it.

11. A few minutes later, after stomping on the uncooperative caterpillar, the Prince ran across a pair of twins throwing a screaming hard-boiled egg back and forth. “Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here,” Prince Mu-Chao said and just walked right on by.

12. On the horizon he saw a towering Emerald City and this bothered him more than anything had to this point. “Someone’s mixing up their stories,” the Prince said aloud. “This is very sloppily done.” The poppies agreed loudly and emphatically.

13. Some time later, the Prince reached the Emerald City and the guard, with a real oedipal complexion, accosted him at the gate. “What is your business with the Wizard?”

14. Prince Mu-Chao explained to the guard that he had come to ask the wizard a very important, but personal question. Alas, the guard would not let him through until the Prince shared what was left of his ’shroom.

15. Walking inside, Prince Mu-Chao seemed to go through another paradigm shift, though, because multi-colored horses merged with playing cards into a jumble out of which a dark castle emerge.

16. “I’m sooooo depressed,” the Prince heard from around a corner. When he went to investigate he saw that it was, indeed, the Prince of Denmark who, like the guard, had a bit of an Oedipal Complexion.

17. “That wasn’t one of your lines,” the Prince said to the Prince, “I know all your lines and that is not one of them. That’s Marvin.”

18. “Fuck you, pal,” Hamlet said to the Prince.

19. “Well now, that definitely wasn’t one of them. Boy, Shakespeare really did you a favor, turning you into a poet. Who’d have known you were just a shit-stained, uncouth little twerp?”

20. For Hamlet was little, a mere 5′2”, and as the Prince watched, the other Prince began morphing into something else. An eye.

21. “Okay, I’ve had about enough of this BULLSHIT!” the Prince screamed. Everybody in the restaurant looked over at him. He seemed to be in Dennys, and looking at the clock on the wall, it was 3am eternal.

22. The Happy Fun Ball and MarshMellow Fluff told him to shut the fuck up, what did he want, for them all to get arrested with ’shrooms still bulging in their pockets?

23. Prince Mu-Chao replied with first a smile, then a burp, then a twinkle in his eye, then a raised eyebrow, then a knowing look, and finally with the contents of his stomach.

24. Over the next few years, Prince Mu-Chao would flashback to that night, the Night of the Goddess, smile, and retch prolifically.

25. You’d better believe that (or at least stand back for a few hours).

Part IV

Bureaucracy

1. One night, Prince Mu-Chao found that he couldn’t sleep and so called several mythological friends of the Trickster persuasion he had made since first coming into the clutches of the dangerous Goddess Eris.

2. And so Coyote, Raven, Loki, Mercury, Legba, Wakdjunkaga, Krishna, Eshu, Thlokunyana, Hermes, Aflakete, Prometheus, and of course, Prince Mu-Chao, met in the woods by his house and formulated a plan to trick Eris into giving the ordinary cabbage a modicum of Common Sense.

3. You see, Eris had been hoarding the Common Sense and normal, everyday cabbages had absolutely none. The Goddess said she needed the cee and the esses from Common Sense to bake a cheesecake.

4. But Prince Mu-Chao was not interested in the Goddess’ pie; no, he was more interested in not having to deal with witless cabbages for the rest of his days on Terra Foola.

5. Nor could Coyote, or any of the Trickster persuasion, deal with the Everyday Cabbage any longer. And so, as was formerly said before this, they formulated a plan to trick Eris into giving the ordinary cabbage a modicum of Common Sense.

6. The plan went thusly: Prince Mu-Chao was to distract the Goddess with Stupid Questions while Prince Mu-Chao snuck past her and jimmied the lock on her Chaos Safe[sup]TM[/sup]. Then, Prince Mu-Chao would enter the Chaos Safe[sup]TM[/sup] and Prince Mu-Chao would solve the Five Impossible Riddles Of Death[sup]TM[/sup] while Prince Mu-Chao disarmed the bomb and Prince Mu-Chao stood guard. Finally, Prince Mu-Chao would actually take the Common Sense (as well as anything else that may interest the others). Prince Mu-Chao was to drive the getaway car.

7. Needless to say, it was not Prince Mu-Chao that came up with this plan.

8. “What do you think I am, your Bitch?” Prince Mu-Chao asked Raven heatedly. “You guys are all older than me, but more people believe I exist than some of you. In fact, I don’t think I ever heard of you,” he said, looking at Wakdjunkaga. “You sound like a character I would make up.”

9. Wakdjunkaga insisted he was real and was the patron saint of Winnebagos.

10. “I don’t care if you’re the god of Semis, I ain’t doing this. Find Br’er Rabbit. He’ll do anything.”

11. Eris was watching this heated discussion and smiled to herself. She knew that Common Sense would not help the cabbages any, for they had no brains to put the Common Sense into, as anyone WITH Common Sense could see.

12. Long ago, she had tried placing Common Sense into a cabbage and it was just wasted as it soon trickled down the cabbage’s inner thigh and puddled at its feet.

13. And so, fearing nothing but a lack of amusement, she threw a plan into mighty Raven’s brainstem.

14. “I KNOW!” Raven exclaimed. “We can tell her that WE’LL make her the Common Sense cheesecake as a sacrifice to her as Supreme Whatchamacallit Of The Known Universe And Everything Beyond, Up To And Including Delaware!” Raven was very excited that he had what he thought was an original idea, and almost wet himself.

15. “It will never work,” Prince Mu-Chao said morosely.

16. The next morning, Legba and Prometheus went to inform the Goddess that the Tricksters would like to bake Her a cheesecake. They came back with a Gallon and a half of Common Sense, and there was much rejoicing.

17. Now, though, they realized they had a problem. How were they to insert the Common Sense into the cabbages?

18. Loki was the first to try to insert Common Sense into a cabbage. He tricked the cabbage into drinking some Common Sense, but all the cabbage did was piss itself until all the Common Sense had run down its leg and puddled at its feet.

19. Krishna walked up to cabbages and stuck vials of Common Scents under their noses so the Cabbages would smell the Common Scents, but it turned out that the wordplay involved was too much for Cabbages and their heads exploded, the Common Scents running down their legs to a rapidly-growing puddle beneath the limp bodies.

20. Coyote hunted him down a female cabbage and ejaculated Cummin’ Sense into her. It apparently did not take, for she screamed “Oh God! Oh God!” both before and after the serum was introduced. Even Coyote knew there were no such thing as Gods.

21. And yay, it came to pass that each of the Tricksters had tried their own way of getting the Common Sense into a cabbage and each had failed miserably at the task.

22. Finally Eris took pity upon them (actually, she just got bored watching them) and came down to Terra Foola asking for her cheesecake.

23. “Aha, we tricked you, Goddess!” Coyote began. When he realized that they had not succeeded in their trickery, he sat down quickly.

24. Picking up on his lead, Prince Mu-Chao faked it. “Yes, we tricked you and gave the Common Sense to all…” Prince Mu-Chao gave up as a car drove by with a faded “These Colors Don’t Fade!” bumper sticker.

25. Well. Do you believe THAT?

Part V

Aftermath

1. And so the Prince was almost finished penning the Holy Book that the Goddess had instructed him to write and he put it down with only one chapter to go. As soon as he did, the Goddess appeared.

2. “You know,” said Prince Mu-Chao, “A lot of people would give their pineal gland to actually see and talk to you. Why don’t you go bug them?”

3. “You don’t really think you’re done, do you? That’s a wimpy little Holy Book, isn’t it? About 15 pages if you double space?”

4. “Numerically, it’s the only option. I have five sets of five. How can I ruin that? It’s too perfect. No, this is going to be your damned holy book, whether you like it or not!”

5. At this point, Mu-Chao was turned into a cabbage, which Our Lady Eris picked up and brought into the kitchen.

6. Our Lady removed a pan from the Pan Tree and filled it with water, threw it on the stove and began boiling. “Oh, is that how it is, Mu-Chao. I’ll take it and like it, will I?”

7. “Okay, okay, I’ll write more!” the cabbage yelled (which was a pretty weird sight. After all, how many cabbages have you seen actually talk besides all the ones you see every day?).

8. She restored Prince Mu-Chao to his former not-so-glory and informed the Prince that the Tome must be as heavy as the bible, maybe bigger.

9. “What??!” Prince Mu-Chao said. “I thought you wanted to name this Liber 3167, not Liber 3251! The bible took about 1000 years to write and that had, like 50 authors!”

10. “Alright, alright. But you need to at least pentuple its length. I mean, what you’ve written is okay, but it’s nothing great, you know.

11. And so Prince Mu-Chao experimented and played and ripped up and threw away and he was verily sore at the goddess for screwing up his work.

12. “Who the fuck does She think She is?” we heard him mutter one morning as we were watching television and he was hard at work on his computer. “Does she think I’m her fucking writing appendage?”

13. And lo, the Prince was inspired by his own words and began thinking of attaching appendages throughout the document, and yea, this excited him in a way that was not purely non-sexual but virtually G-Rated.

14. “Of Appendages we shall have twenty-three,” the Prince wrote.

15. “A Table of Malcontents to begin with, of course. But of what else is there upon which I can write with the fluidity and supra-wisdom for which I am known?”

16. And so Happy Fun Ball and Rev. Y? and MajorDomo and Hamman Cheez and all the other Apples in the immediate vicinity of the Prince paused Monty Python’s Search for the Holy Grail and rattled off Ideas.

17. Happy Fun Ball screamed, “Cook-Note Fiberglass!” MajorDomo yelled, “Mondos and Mindfucks!” Rev. Y? whispered, “A bunch of things we’ve already done!” “And Something!” yelled Joe.

18. And so, their work done, they went back to watching the movie while Mu-Chao waxed sorely pissed and turned back to the computer.

19. Prince Mu-Chao did write and he wrote and he had written and he wroted.

20. Finally, he was finished. He looked upon his work and it sucked.

21. “This Sucks,” Eris said after she had read it all. “I mean, this is good. And this is okay. This huge pile over here just sucks.”

22. “Well, what do you want me to do, Eris? I’m tired and haven’t slept for days.”

23. Eris said, “Why did you bother making it bigger than it was? It was perfect with just five parts with five groupings of five items. You should have just stopped there. You could probably salvage some of this stuff too,” she said disinterestedly and promptly vanished.

24. Prince Mu-Chao got drunk that night and weeped as the 23 Apples of Eris looked on in amusement.

25. Believe it or not.