The 23 Apples of Eris

Cooknote Fiberglass was made insanely popular by the Discordian novel ?!?!? written by Professor Mu-Chao that has yet to be published, mostly because it is not yet written. Below is a chapter and a half we now possess that seems to explain Cook-Note Fiberglass almost not at all.

Although Sink is the unofficial game of Discordia, Cook-Note Fiberglass is its masterpiece of complexity. Cook-Note Fiberglass is infinitely more complicated than Sink, though not necessarily more fun to play. A normal game of Cook-Note Fiberglass can take the players up to a month to finish, and even then the winner of the game is sometimes hard to determine.

Never before have the rules to Cook-Note Fiberglass been written down and this tradition need not be broken now. To tell you the truth, this narrator is unsure whether the rules to the game are clear enough for publication. What can be published here is a general overview of the game to give you a feel for how the character’s minds are working and let you follow the action a bit when they play this in later chapters and in inevitable sequels to this ground-breaking novel.

Energetic and mind blowing, the game developed one night when Professor Mu-Chao and Happy Fun Ball were sitting around the house with nothing to do and feeling especially close to Eris. Lying on the table beside them was one of those cheap chess and checkers combination games. Eight hours and five cannibalized board games later, they were well on their way to creating Cook-Note Fiberglass.

It may have been born on that long-ago night, but it is still an adolescent due to its resounding intricacy, complexity, and inherent incompleteness. Victory is achieved when all of the opponent’s pieces are removed from the board. Even the opponent themselves must be removed from the board – as long as they keep in contact with the board when their last piece is removed, they are still in the game (according to a global rule created by Chaostic Fibrations about six months after she was introduced to Cook-Note Fiberglass).

The players start with chess and checker pieces, as well as any other pieces brought in from other games to a maximum of 46 pieces (and/or cards – playing, tarot, post, etc). Set them up like normal, the chess pieces atop the checker pieces and the rest anywhere they fit – a second board may be necessary and can be used. Cards are held in the hand. Opponents can use all one color or just mix the colored pieces up between them, it doesn’t matter, but they must declare the color or concept they will represent.

Unless someone declares “Phobia” right off , the game starts just as you’d think it would – a player may move any of the pieces on their side of the board in the normal manner dictated by the original game that piece was taken from. Fun Ball once brought in Monopoly tokens, but that didn’t work too well. All they could do was patrol the border of the board getting two hundred points every circuit, since Mu-Chao made such careful use of his blocks. HFB kept landing on the square Mu-Chao declared as being Dealy Plaza with a 1000-point rent and a 5000-point penalty for a gaping head wound.

Occasionally, one of the players may declare a rule before the first round is over, but declarations usually don’t start until the second round begins. Unless both players agree to allow it, no rule may be repeated in any one game by either player, even if the rule was blocked or rescinded the first time. Naturally, this is where the game becomes too complicated to describe, because depending upon the rules, of which there are five allowed per round per player (three of which must be taken), the game can become infinitely complex. Due to the nature of the game, if you play on Monday and midnight rolls around, your position can totally change because someone can, say, state a rule that the board will be turned 90 degrees on Tuesday and players will switch remaining pieces.

There are many kinds of rules, some applying to the pieces, some applying to the board, some applying to the scoring system, some to the players, some that are understood by both players to be rude and obnoxious and not to be used under any circumstances, some not understood by either player or the scorekeeper, and some that are just slurs against the other player’s heritage. Happy Fun Ball enjoyed making rules like, “You can’t make another rule until you get me a beer, fucker.” Invariably, Mu-Chao would counter with, “Fuck you and your brother’s mother,” which is what he always said to Happy Fun Ball when he didn’t like a rule that had been introduced into play. But he got the beer.

Since bringing the game with him to the Randy Caboose Cabal, Happy Fun Ball had made addicts out of Chaostic Fibrations and Aries. Loki would play every once in a while, but he would get frustrated over the lack of momentum too easily. Much to Happy Fun Ball’s surprise he had never won a game against Chaostic Fibrations. Every time he would play her she would use a different gambit and the rules he had carefully developed between games to counter the rules that had smoked him last time went entirely to waste.

Sink, being a very simple and Zen-like game, was sometimes played between rounds to help the players develop their strategies. Sink was very relaxing and soothing, while the intricacy of Cook-Note Fiberglass was frustrating and mind-blowing but nonetheless amusing. As the game was being developed, Mu-Chao tried to keep track of the meta-rules that applied to the rules in the game, but the problem was that there were no restrictions on changing the meta-rules with normal, everyday declaratory rules on a global scale, which meant that it applied to all future games (The author does not fully understand this paragraph either, so don’t feel too bad).

Generally, the game descended into chaos early in and no one had any clue what rules still applied and what rules did not. Eventually, the game would have to be thrown by one player or the other if the bluffing got too much for them. Rhetoric is in no way discouraged and it is not considered bad form to lie, cheat, or bribe the scorekeeper with money, flax, hemp, or sexual favors to win the game. One was considered an extremely good player if they were able to successfully sucker their opponent into believing that they had lost by a smidgen when, in fact, they had won by a wide margin.

Understandably, the game did not spread like wildfire through the Discordian community because for all their talk, Discordians are at base pretty lazy people. Nevertheless, just about every cabal had at least one person who was intrigued by the concept of the game and many of them came to visit the Randy Caboose Cabal to play one of the Fiberglass Masters. Every once in a while, someone would beat Aries, but Happy Fun Ball and Chaostic Fibrations had never lost to another cabal.

The rules to Cook-Note Fiberglass don’t just change from game to game. Once someone declares a global rule (one allowed per player per game) and the opponent does not block it, it becomes a permanent rule of Cook-Note Fiberglass. Because of this, there are many prerequisites to playing. One must always be drunk or stoned when playing Cook-Note Fiberglass or be disqualified. One also receives extra points for wearing a funny hat, playing Sink in a sink at least once during a game, and making lewd comments to the opposing player.

Cook-Note Fiberglass in Action

“You can’t make that rule!” Happy Fun Ball said. “You’ll get negative points!”

“He’s right, you know,” Chaostic Fibrations said. She was the scorekeeper and she was notorious for giving large negative point values for uncreative and forceful rules such as “If I kill your shoe, all your pieces die.”

“What’s wrong with the rule ‘In 5 hours whoever is ahead wins’? I’m not that far ahead, you know.”

“Because it defeats the purpose of the game. The game is supposed to match memory and wit, and anyone who can’t remember all the applicable rules for a measly seventeen hours has no business playing.”

Oh, new people. Didn’t they ever think before they declared rules? Happy Fun Ball was playing with Pope Oscar the Grouch of the Former Night Saints Cabal. They arrived the night before toting a juicy monetary donation along with an even juicier liquid donation, and were anxious to start learning how to play Cook-Note Fiberglass. He was pretty good at it once he got over the stumbling blocks that everyone runs into.

When someone declares a straightforward rule that would help them win or end the game such as the aforementioned shoe gambit, the scorekeeper was consulted to rule on the effect that would have on the declarer’s score. This ensured that there were no obvious power ploys used to ruin the game. It was possible for the other player to make such a declaration if they were so far ahead it was hopeless for the other person to catch up, but it really depended on the scorekeeper. Some, like Chaostic Fibrations, were diametrically opposed to any such rule and would fine the declaring player an insane amount of points unless they withdrew the rule and made amends with a more creative rule.

“Okay, I’ll withdraw it and declare a different rule. All Black rooks now act as kings.”

“I’ll use my block,” Happy Fun Ball said quickly. Happy Fun Ball then declared his rule that all checker pieces controlled by Oscar had taken LSD and for the next 12 hours or so, he would have to move them in the reverse direction that he wanted them to go. At the end of the round, they would be placed into their proper place. Happy Fun Ball’s strategy was usually to confuse the other player so much that every move they made was a mistake. Unfortunately, depending on how drunk he was, this ploy sometimes backfired.

“Alright,” Oscar said and paused for a moment looking at the ceiling. “I’ll turn my queen invisible.”

This was a common ploy. In order to turn your pieces invisible, a scorekeeper had to be present. Upon declaration, the piece was removed from the active board and placed on another in a different location. If the player wanted to move that piece, they had to go to the location of that board with the scorekeeper and move it, then return and continue with the game or remove the opponent’s piece if the invisible one performed a capture. The main problem with this ploy was that your opponent was left alone at the board when you went to move the piece with the scorekeeper. This is bad because it is fully within the rules to break the rules and cheat.

Since that was his fifth rule in the round, Oscar walked into the closet with Chaostic Fibrations and set his piece in the correct block on the board that was already open in there. He made his move and returned to the real game board. Happy Fun Ball had saved one of his blocks, so no matter what Oscar declared, Happy Fun Ball had to block or lose 1,000 points. Oscar used his meta-rule and declared that if Happy Fun Ball blocked this particular rule, he would lose 1,000 points.