The 23 Apples of Eris

We do not adhere to any other copies of any other Discordian Manifesto either preceding, receding, or proceeding this document, especially not the one penned by Prince Mu-Chao while on an acid trip.

In fact, we do not adhere to any other document, written or otherwise.  We adhere to ourselves and only ourselves, and some forms of glue.  Screw the lot of you with your pernicious rules and regulations.

This is not a joke disguised as a manifesto and contrariwise, it is not a manifesto disguised as a joke.  This is slam-bang guerrilla ontology disguised as a jumble of letters and spaces, but not entirely.

The secret knowledge that this undocument will impart may or may not protect you from various Lovecraftian beasties and cabbages and the insolent THEY.  We make no guarantees to its veracity, quality or immorality.  We are only its humble authors.

Trip Five, or the POEE Baptismal Rite, is hereby decreed to be right in some sense, etc etc. ad infinitum.  Which is part of the problem.

They don’t want you to read this.  We tried to get it published in the New York Times, but THEY laughed at us and refused.  Who do you have to bomb to get your manifesto printed in the New York Times?

THEY try to convince you that nonsense is a waste of time.  THEY try to convince you that the Snark never existed.  THEY try to tell you that meaninglessness is meaningless.  You know better, don’t you?

THEY cannot believe that anybody would spend time producing something and not want to make a quick buck off of it.  As far as THEY are concerned, KopyLeft is a nonsensible notion that would be dangerous to the economy if it ever caught on.

THEY try to convince you that there IS an economy.  THEY try to convince you that money is real.  THEY try to convince you that the majority should rule, even when the majority is wrong.  THEY try to convince you that you are merely cannon fodder for politicians you didn’t even vote for.

THEY say there is no greenhouse effect.  THEY say there is no such thing as magic.  They say there is one god and He is White.  If you don’t like that idea, THEY tell you that your only other choice is Science.  THEY don’t dare mention the crazy bitch that actually runs this place.  But you know better, don’t you?

Our catma is the Pentabarf, our church is a bowling alley, and our Goddess is Eris.

Eris is a mean bitch you do not want to meet.  She is not a metaphor for impersonal forces. She is not a metaphor for impersonal forces. She is not a metaphor for impersonal forces. She is not a metaphor for impersonal forces. She is not a metaphor for impersonal forces. She creates chaos personally and on purpose, and does so because she is loopy.

BUT, when one embraces chaos as much as one does order and realizes that either one is just as useful and necessary as the other one and stops ordering chaos every time it is encountered, that person has what is called an EPIPHANY.

Epiphanies of this kind are translated to humans through their Pineal Gland.  This is also known as the Pipeline to Eris.

Like any pipeline, it can get clogged naturally or by terrorists (i.e. – people who threaten to use force to get you to do things).  In order to keep this pipeline clean, it is essential that you DO NOT EAT HOT DOG BUNS!

It cannot be stressed with mere capital letters or italics just how important this is to your well-being or sanity…

I’m… I’m sorry.  I can’t go on.  These ludicrous rants and raves have just… just… been done too much.  They are no longer amusing to me.  We have not reinvented ourselves as Discordians and our humor is growing old and stale.

* Insert misery and foreboding here *

We need to decide what it is we are… because I certainly don’t know any valid answer to that except for “ourselves”, and that sounds kind of new-age cliché…

REINVENT YOURSELVES IN YOUR OWN IMAGE.

Or don’t.  See if I care.

We don’t endorse, believe in, or even remotely agree with the insipid resolutions of any government, government branch, organization, or secret society that imposes their aneristic illusions upon the rest of civilization.  We will not stand by and allow Oreos to be eaten whole.  We will not stand on our heads and allow these jackals to repeatedly apply their warped sense of logic and righteousness to the rest of society.  And we will not create useless Manifestos without the powerful ontological might to back them up.  We will use the considerable psychological talents in our employ to destroy, assimilate, or otherwise dissemble or disable the aneristic leaders and their lemming-like followers, just as soon as tea time is done and the check is in the mail.  Our psychological and ontological talents and methods far-surpass anything our aforementioned enemy has in their arse anal.

Our methods and tools include but are not limited to Abnormail (and Jake Day), Operation: Mindfuck, Nortonian Emulata, the Pineal Gland, Frank Zappa, and five others that general readers of this manifesto are probably not cleared to hear about.  To illustrate the fact that we fear not the Greyface Aneristics that we demonstrate, remonstrate, and castrate against, we will describe each of the less classified methods mentioned above.  You may consider them threats, if you like, or Pez, if that’s more your flavor.

Abnormail is the unofficial communiqué between Cabals that Discordians employ.  Through it, ideas, ideals, schemes, schemas, fnords, fnordites, designs, developments, mindfucks, meanderings, dirty jokes, magistrates, root beer, cannabis tips, chain letters, homicide evidence, frumps, forms, documents, busyness cards, and other DisOrganizational MemoRios are disseminated, reseminated and inseminated into and throughout the Discordian Mindfield.  With the advent and increased popularity of the Internet, the once non-existent eAbnormal has reinserted a never-before seen dimension into Discordian communiqué.  With absurd ease, any half-rate goon who calls herhimitself a Discordian can go online and espouse herhisits views and claim to be “a Discordian”, or, for that matter, a “Discordien”. This can only further our cause.

Abnormail (and, by natural progression and selection, eAbnormail) has plenty of uses besides sharing information, though.  One of these is “Jake Day”.  One (or five, for that matter) declares a Jake Day upon any induhvidual who decides, in their infinite wisdumb, to say or do something that any Discordian Pope decides he doesn’t like (if a Discordian Mome decides She hears something She doesn’t like, well, Eris help you).  At this point, the Pope will contact all the other Popes Who Know They’re Popes and Probably All the Momes Who Know They’re Momes, Too, and they (or most of they) will proceed to Jake the Fuck out of the poor induhvidual who said or did the Jakeable Offense.

A Jake is performed as follows: Once all the Popes, Momes, Non-Prophets, Freaks, Drug Fiends, and Reverends who are in on the Jake agree on a day, they bombard the Jake-ee with multitudes of flyers, pamphlets, letters, stickers or some creative thingies that I can’t think of right now.  All these must (or should or don’t have to) in some or any way chastise, approve of in an over-the-top way, or go off on some tangent about Leprechauns or some such thing. Above all, Leprechauns or Knot, each Jake must or should or doesn’t have to have some enlightening effect on the induhvidual being Jaked.

To date, we have held 23 and one-half DisOrganization Almost-But-Not-Quite-Wide Jakes, and only three of the victims took their own lives (this is 6 better than our closest alternate reality where -3 people took their lives).  Five others became recluses, one went on a killing spree, and the remaining induhviduals were recruited as Liddell Deluded Dupes into the Randy Caboose Cabal of Minnesota and Massachusetts Proper.

Continue reading ‘Discordian Society Manifesto #00003’ »