Questions? Comments? Suggestions for Holydays? Email me: “mcqueen269, aol, com”
St. Tib's Day exists only to keep the calendar synchronized with Earth's rotation around the sun and should be celebrated occasionally and vigorously.
Celebration of the Apostle Hung Mung. Appropriate activities include thigh-slapping, laughing, ripping off other people's ideas, and hunting cabbages.
Celebration of the Apostle Dr. Van Van Mojo. Use as many obscure Discordian references as possible. Good places for this are parks, buses, and city council meetings.
Celebration of the Apostle Sri Syadasti. This holyday is celebrated by altering your own consciousness in any way that is permissible to your superego.
Celebration of the Apostle Zarathud. Appropriate activities include inappropriate activities. Zaraday should also be celebrated by studying the Pentabarf he has given, and by carving it into a stone tablet. If one so desires, you may insist upon having it planted in the local courthouse's lawn.
Celebration of the Apostle Malaclypse The Elder.
Holyday of the season of Chaos. Convince your friends to change their minds about decisions that they make through out the day.
Holyday of the season of Discord.
Holyday of the season of Confusion. Travel in a direction you have never gone before. Travel randomly. Stop and ask for directions to Thuddite Manor.
Holyday of the season of Bureaucracy. Have an accountant party. Invite every accountant you know to it, and make all non-accountants dress like accountants and talk constantly using accountant-like nonsense. Instead of business cards, the fake accountants should hand out Pope cards when introducing themselves.
Holyday of the season of The Aftermath. Thank Goddess it's getting toward the end of the year. Thank Goddess the aftermath of what you did all year isn't too bad. Well, not as bad as it could have been.
I have no idea what these holydays are for.
Celebrating the end of the world.
Celebrating something, anything, everything!
Honor the ECG Mascot (and Ek-sen-trik Discordian Brigadier and Patron Saint) by consuming something with or associated with pineapple. Creativity is encouraged. This is the only day the Order of the Pineapple can be presented.
Hug your friends. Hug your loved ones. Confound your enemies by offering them a hug. Hugs are free, hugs are healthy, hugs are good.
Honor The Mary, who is Patron Saint, Illuminated, of Bearers of Erisian Tattoos, and also Keeper of the Holy Chao Belly (rub it for good luck—with permission, of course). This is a good day to do something for a Mary, do something Merry, or even to Marry someone. (If you are merry about marrying a Mary, you earn extra points.)
A day to love your pet, or someone else's.
Do you love Jesus? Would you like to love your neighbour? Then this is the holiday for you! Tell your Fundamentalist Christian neighbours that the tradition-breaking, authority-challenging, logic-twisting, wise-cracking, trouble-making Jesus of Nazareth was really a proto-Discordian. Then ask them if they want to love you back. Be prepared to run.
Commit blasphemy against Goddess Discordia! Write your representatives and demand they outlaw “funny religions;” send one hour's salary to the most Aneristic organization you can think of; or eat a bun with a hot dog made out of the Sacred Chao. On second thought, recognizing a holyday wouldn't be blasphemist. So instead of actually celebrating it, call in sick to work or school, then spend all day sleeping, going fishing or having sex.
Recognize and credit your imaginary friend, whom you blame for everything on all the other days of the year. Or help someone anonymously, but in a way they'd never expect. (“Captain Tuttle” was the made-up buddy of Benjamin Franklin “Hawkeye” Pierce and “Trapper” John McIntire on the TV show “M*A*S*H.” They used the mythical captain's identity to get supplies and funds from the U.S. Military which were then sent to help an orphanage.)
Dance with a Cat, dance like a Cat, dance with somebody who has a Cat, or just do something having to do with Cats and/or Dancing (you are allowed to be creative in what you consider to be a “cat” and “dancing”). Or do something having to do with Feet—after all, cats have feet, and feet dance.
Even the scientific bureaucracy recognized our Goddess (and the Mythic Prophet Eristotle) by naming Planet X “Eris” on this date in 3172. As of this writing, they're calling this world a dwarf planet, but we don't mind. So celebrate our planet's mass!
A time to recognize impressive and sophisticated-seeming devices that are completely useless. See how many you can find in your home or office. See how many you can sell for a large profit to those who don't know what day this is. Those who work for major computer corporations should find this an easy holiday to celebrate. (This holiday was inspired by an episode of Hogan's Heroes that first aired on this date. The prisoners of war convinced members of the enemy's Military Bureaucracy that a prisoner-made rabbit trap was actually some highly important device known as a “gonculator.” The scheme worked because no one in the military establishment was willing to admit they didn't have the foggiest idea what the prisoners were talking about.)
Celebrated in honor of the death of Eristotle on this date in 1782 CE, and Emperor Norton I declaring the United States dissolved on this date in 1859 CE.
This is the anniversary of the founding of Chapter One of the ECG, which was officially recognized and approved by a California college Student Government Association on Setting Orange, 28 Aftermath 3147. Within a year after its official recognition, it was honored as Most Active New Club. Within that same year, both the Founding President and Co-Founding Vice President created so much chaos and discord at the college they were threatened with formal charges. Honor the ECG.
This is the 5th season, 37th day. Contemplate the number 537, Holy Number of Discordian Ek-sen-triks and Official Number of the ECG (who celebrate it using the Gregorian calendar on the 5th month, 37th day). Consult your pineal gland to try to discover the number's true meaning.
Upon completing 52 years and 11 days of studying the universe, Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst (under his alias of Kerry Wendell Thornley) became an ordained Minister of the Universal Life Church—on 43 Discord 3156.
A subtle Buddhist teaching that nobody without the Buddha Mind understands is that when the Buddha was enlightened, the whole universe—with all its sentient beings, inanimate objects and blunt instruments—attained Satori with him.
On 43 Discord 3156 the entire cosmos—people, stars, space rubbish and all—became an ordained minister and so anyone or anything is now legally qualified in most states to get drunk at weddings and giggle at funerals, spit holy water, christen puppies and preach salvation by fire and brimstone.
Only an ordained minister, however, can see how this is possible.
So, on Universal Ordination Day we commemorate the Ordination of the Universe by passing out as many Authorized and Authentic All-Purpose Discordian Society Ordination Certificates as possible.
Back in the old days, the world was on many conflicting systems of keeping time. While three-quarters time might prevail in one area, elsewhere it was spare time or springtime or due time or ragtime.
So on March 13th of 1884 a bunch of pundits from all over the world met in Washington, DC, and decided everyone should employ Standard Time (used by Standard Oil of New Jersey), based on Greenwich Mean Time (the time I was using in the meantime in Greenwich Village).
Far from perfect, this solution allows it to be one time in London at the exact moment it is some other time entirely in New York or San Francisco or Moscow.
So, on March 13th, we Discordians protest this confusing state of affairs by telling anyone who asks, any time, that it is 5 o'clock—because, somewhere, it is. If they check with another source or, say, note that the sun is directly overhead, we explain we only said that it was 5 o'clock because it is Daytime.
Discordian Eternal Time solves the whole problem of confusion about time by making it, in fact, 5 o'clock everywhere, always. But, unfortunately, most societies would rather do things the complicated way.
Celebrating pentagons, pentagrams, and other pentilaterals. The law of the five-day celebration is never wrong.
The holyday that started Pentaweek by ending Pentaweek is being ret-conned as so ancient that it qualifies for the dinosaur naming conventions.
Celebrating squares and other quadrilaterals.
The night before All Triangle's Day, marked by intoxication and trying to cut things into right-angled triangles.
Celebrating triangles, geometry's other beautiful shape.
If I were to suggest that between Confusion and The Aftermath there is a two-sided holyday existing within the calendar, nobody would be able to disprove my assertion provided I were careful to add that the holyday is too brief to be revealed even by our most accurate timers. But if I were to go on to say that, since my assertion cannot be disproved, it is an intolerable presumption on the part of human reason to doubt it, I should rightly be thought to be talking nonsense. If, however, the existence of such a holyday were affirmed in ancient books, taught as the sacred truth every Sweetmorn, and instilled into the minds of children at school, hesitation to believe in its existence would become a mark of eccentricity and entitle the doubter to the attentions of the psychiatrist in an enlightened age or of the Inquisitor in an earlier time.
Celebrating circles, geometry's most beautiful shape.
Not really a holyday so much as a calendrical event marked by a hangover.
The birthday of Charles Darwin. A day often used to remind people that they behave too much like monkeys.
Celebrating love and affection between intimate companions.
Do something kind to a friend or stranger for no reason at all (other than it being R.A.K. Day).
Celebrating women's economic, political, and social achievements. Also known as International Make Your Own Damn Sandwich Day.
A numerical calendrical event. Observed on 73 Chaos because a different calendrical system established it first.
The day is marked by the commission of hoaxes and other practical jokes, or sending someone on a fool's errand, the aim of which is to embarrass the stupid. After careful research, the origins of this holyday have been determined to be a hoax.
A synchronized global mass celebration of a better world and the active creation of desirable reality, under the premise that human awareness participates in the creation of reality.
Inspiring awareness and appreciation for the Earth's natural environment.
“You got pollution in my environment.”
“No, you got environment in my pollution!”
A tribute by fans of the late author Douglas Adams, who attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naïve incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.
An often-depressing calendrical event rarely celebrated.
In honor of Meher Baba, we believe in reminding religious people to be quiet.
Man's inability to live God's words makes the Avatar's teaching a mockery. Instead of practicing the compassion he taught, man has waged wars in his name. Instead of living the humility, purity, and truth of his words, man has given way to hatred, greed, and violence. Because man has been deaf to the principles and precepts laid down by God in the past, in this present Avataric form, I observe silence.
Of course, no one listened to Meher Baba.
Celebrating friendship. (In other calendars, this is celebrated on the first Sunday of August. Since we have neither Sundays nor Augusts, this will remain at 67 Confusion.)
This holyday, and its observance, springs from a romanticized view of the Golden Age of Piracy. Arrgh.
Dedicated to peace, or specifically the absence of war, such as might be occasioned by a temporary ceasefire in a combat zone.
Our beliefs are often inconsistent with reality. On this day, we celebrate all beliefs as possibly absurd.
James Ussher (1581–1656), Archbishop of Armagh, Primate of All Ireland, and Vice-Chancellor of Trinity College in Dublin established the first day of “creation” as 23 October 4004 BC in the proleptic Julian calendar. We now know this to be incorrect: the universe will not exist until Next Thursday.
—Kansas Board of Preventing Education
1. Correctly converted to Gregorian and then to Discordian as 45 Bureaucracy -2837 YOLD, which is also the Day of Peace, so we celebrate Usshermas on the incorrect date, which is torpidly absurd.
Celebrating the wonderfully chaotic variations on gender, in our species and others.
Intersex Awareness Day is the (inter)national day of grass-roots action to end shame, secrecy and unwanted genital cosmetic surgeries on intersex children.
Costumes, scary stuff, candy. Best holyday ever!
Celebrating men's contributions to community, family, marriage, and child care; improving gender relations; promoting gender equality; and highlighting positive male role models.
The traditional recorded celebration of Boxing Day has long included giving money and other gifts to those who were needy and in service positions.
A calendrical event, marked by quiet reflection on the past year, quickly forgotten promises for the next year, intoxication, and counting backwards.
This day is a non-event.
Celebrating the use of tools. Use them, make them, give them as gifts. A person can do anything with the right tool.
Known in the United States as Women's Equality Day and used to commemorate the passage of the 19th Amendment. Since we recognize International Women's Day (67 Chaos), we'll use this one to celebrate the social construction of gender by redefining our gender roles and showing ourselves and others how much we all have in common. (Yes, I'm using this calendar to advance my political agenda. Maybe next year, you'll recommend some holydays of your own.)
The Day of Discord has a long tradition of being a Discordian gathering day. Some say that, whenever two or more Discordians gather in Her name, the Day of Discord is there. Others say a bunch of stuff, most of it too childishly obscene to repeat here.
The official dates for this calendar were supposed to be based on International Dadism Month before we realized it had several days that conflict with existing holydays. We then decided, in classic Discordian fashion, to re-roll the dice and pull something else out of the hat. (Actually, we just squeezed them into areas that didn't have a lot of holydays, which is also classically Discordian but not very fashionable.)
The Days of Discord are commonly abbreviated as follows:
|Astv.||As Seen on T.V.|
|Abv.||All of the Above|
|O.P.S.||Other, Please Specify|